


Sectumsempra

by MIZUM0NO



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 56,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29432463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MIZUM0NO/pseuds/MIZUM0NO
Summary: Part six of the series starting from 'The Potions Master'In which the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor swears to stand by the Potions professor through everything, even when it may cost her more than she bargained for.(The story will follow in accordance with The Half-Blood Prince, set in 1996-1997)
Relationships: Severus Snape/Reader
Comments: 60
Kudos: 61





	1. Narcissa’s Troubles

1st July 1996

"Have you ever been to Spinner's End before, Narcissa?" 

"Never."

"Me neither," The woman watched as you shifted uncomfortably, leaning your head against the wall of a rundown train station. "Until yesterday, that is."

The woman named Narcissa Malfoy nodded, before looking away. It was clear that she was not keen on starting a conversation with you, not with so much on her mind and the thought of her sister _Bellatrix_ being there to follow the both of you to Severus' house, possibly intending to foil her plans there altogether. But you understood, even though you were unclear on what her and Severus had been planning, even though you were worried of what she was going to ask of him, even though you were doubtful of what her intentions even were, you understood. You understood and respected her enough not to pry. She had only told you and Severus that whatever it was, it was important, and that her and Bellatrix had been having it out for a while. She needed you to bring her to Severus' house to speak with him privately, and she distinctly told you that the whole plan was to be unknown to The Dark Lord, which made it all the more important. _Some secrets are better left unknown,_ you realised a while ago, and you wondered then if this was one of those instances where your meddling would only cause problems for her. _As if she hadn't been through enough already, it would be rude of me to make her go through more of this._

"Coast is clear. Let's go, _Cissy, little Ravenclaw."_ Bellatrix's voice interrupted your thoughts, and you gave the two sisters one last glance, Bellatrix's eyes gleaming at you, before you briskly walked forward, and apparated straight to Spinner's End with a faint _pop_. The two of them followed suit. 

You were already waiting for them when they appeared, your eyes suddenly cold and dark. Bellatrix cracked a grin. 

Taking a deep breath, you looked around, before saying, "We have to travel quickly. There are Aurors everywhere looking for Bellatrix, and we are only truly safe when we have entered the house. So, stay close to me, and stay on guard, alright?"

Narcissa gave no response, but you did notice her sticking to you more closely while you walked, keeping less than an arms length away from you, while her eyes travelled everywhere throughout the journey. Bellatrix, on the other hand, chose a different approach. She had slung her arm around your shoulder, and she had taken a very keen interest on the gold band on your ring finger.

 _"You married him,"_ She pointed out, taking your hand in hers. "How disappointing, _little Ravenclaw,_ you could have done so much better."

You stiffened at her remark, but chose not to say anything. The air was warm and it left a sour taste in your mouth, but Bellatrix took it as a sign to continue. "Is he really that good to you, _Ravenclaw?_ What is this house he is living in even like? You would know a beautiful property when you see one, your parents—"

"It's alright." You cut her off, desperately wanting to stop the conversation, but she only grinned back at you. 

"Of course you would say it's alright, you had slim pickings. After The Dark Lord burned down your apartment as a punishment for what happened at the Ministry, you had no time to run to another one of your homes, did you? I would know, the punishments I suffered were much worse. Much like your choice in men, you—"

But Narcissa had stopped suddenly, and remembering where Severus' house exactly was from his directions, she broke out into a run. Your eyes widened, and you hurriedly broke out of Bellatrix's hold to catch up with her in case she attracted unnecessary attention. 

"Wait!" Bellatrix's harsh cry was loud, very loud, and apparently, something had heard her. It yelped, and right as you saw a scurry of orange and dark fur past your line of vision, a flash of green light from Bellatrix's wand had emanated, and the fox gave one last yelp before it fell back to the ground, dead. 

You stopped to take a sharp inhale, already hearing Narcissa's footsteps walking further and further. "Just a fox, Bellatrix. You didn't have to kill it."

"I thought perhaps an Auror—Cissy, wait!" She replied, apparently noticing Narcissa was so far ahead then, that she was already scrambling up the bank the fox had fallen down from. It was obvious that Narcissa was very unpleased that Bellatrix had tagged along on what was supposed to be a trip that only you and her were supposed to take. You caught up as the two sisters then ensued in an argument, with Bellatrix insisting on Narcissa hearing her out, and Narcissa telling her that _she had made her decision,_ whatever it was. You chose to steer clear of their conversation, but when a rustling of leaves in the distant air caught your attention, you had no choice but to hold onto Narcissa's elbow then, and began guiding her back to the path to Severus' house. 

Past the murky river, over the old, rusted railings that creaked and moaned as you jumped over them, the three of you then ended up in front of the rows and rows of dilapidated brick houses, their windows dull and blind in the darkness.

Bellatrix stepped on a piece of broken glass from a streetlamp, and turned her nose at the stench of rubbish from the river. "He lives here? _Here?_ In this Muggle dunghill? Oh, _Ravenclaw,_ what have you gotten yourself into?"

But you and Narcissa were not listening, with you being the one already leading her forth to squeeze through gap in the rusty railings, and down to the road that led to the final stretch of his house. She did not protest, she did not complain, and you listened as her cloak swished in the wind behind her, while you pulled yours closer to your figure. Bellatrix staggered behind, still calling out for her sister's name. It seemed as if the sight of the street and the surroundings around her had reminded her again of her purpose of following the two of you.

"Cissy, you must not do this, you can't trust him—"

"The Dark Lord trusts him, doesn't he?" Narcissa fired back, her eyes glowing with a ferocity you had never seen before. But then Bellatrix's eyes gleamed around once more, while she panted, before admitting that she had thought The Dark Lord was _mistaken._ Your jaw clenched, averting your gaze when Bellatrix looked to you for support. When Narcissa refused to listen, Bellatrix tried once more, but it was clear that she had been on her last nerves, when she suddenly drew her wand and held it threateningly in her sister's face. 

"Narcissa..." You drawled, not intending to witness a murder right then and there. But Bellatrix merely laughed in her face, taunting her. Narcissa's voice rose to a tone of hysteria, and with a swift swipe down with her wand, there was another flash of light before Bellatrix finally let go of her arm, rubbing her wrist as though it burned. "...That is enough! Severus is expecting you, and I cannot bring you in if the two of you are engaging in battle now! Follow me!" 

And so you swept away, a little more than irritated this time, while Narcissa followed you again, leaving Bellatrix a little further behind once more. Your footsteps had gotten quicker, and you took longer strides as you neared the familiar cobble steps and passed the boarded and broken windows. You noticed her suck in a breath as she saw the state of the place, but she still chose not to say anything in your presence. But you already knew what she wanted to say, anyway. 

You rapped the door in the rhythm that Severus and you shared between only the two of you, a secret code to tell him that it was _you_. Bellatrix caught up soon after, and when you heard him shuffle behind the door and saw his figure staring at you when it opened, you sighed and entered. Narcissa threw back her hood, and Severus gave her a look-over before he deemed it was really her, and sidestepped to allow her in. Bellatrix followed without invitation, and you could already see the reluctance he held for her on his features, before you held his hand tightly as a reassurance. 

"Narcissa," Severus said as he quickly pressed a kiss to your temple. "What a pleasant surprise!"

You gave him a tight-lipped smile as you proceeded to retreat to the bedroom upstairs to give them some privacy, but Narcissa stopped you before you could. "(y/n), are you not...?"

"I believe my husband has only requested of me to bring you to our home, and my job is done, Narcissa. Please, make yourselves comfortable, I shall give you some privacy."

Bellatrix snickered, but Severus shook his head. "My love, we've talked about this..."

"...And we have come to the conclusion that the less I know, the better. Sev, this is your life—"

"This is our life, now, my love. What affects me will affect you just as much, so please," Severus' voice lowered, as he held you close to him then. "Can you do this? For me, at least?"

You sighed, considering your options for a minute, before nodding softly. He was right, he was right and you were _worried,_ so of course you had to say yes to him. Narcissa heaved a small sigh of relief at the fact of having _two_ Hogwarts teachers to listen to her plea then, thinking that it was a blessing that whatever she was asking of him, you would be involved in it as well. It reassured her worries for Draco for just a little bit.

Though, you choosing to stay and sitting on Severus' lap while the sisters sat on the other piece of furniture in the room, the threadbare sofa, was not easing the tensions one bit. Bellatrix, as far as you could tell, was still very annoyed at the fact that The Dark Lord had seemed to finally _trust_ Severus again, something that had taken him months to achieve, and that even _you,_ his wife, were trusting him. She was finding it difficult believing that The Dark Lord was treating _him_ as his right-hand man, and not her. However, that position did not appeal to you the same way it appealed to her; if you could have it your way, you wanted Severus as far away from The Dark Lord as possible. But things were as they were, and so there you sat, on the lap of your husband, while Narcissa nervously darted her eyes around the tiny house that resembled more of a padded cell than anything. 

"So, what can I do for you?" Severus asked, his hand moving to rest on your thigh. 

"We...we are alone, aren't we?" Narcissa seemed even more nervous suddenly, as she felt your eyes on her. She had felt that you were judging her. 

"Yes, of course. Well, Wormtail's here, but we're not counting vermin, are we?" 

You cleared your throat. "Severus."

He gave you a brief glance, as if to ask what he needed to apologise for, before taking his wand and pointing at the wall of books behind the two of you. The hidden door that led to the staircase above flew open, revealing the small man that had come to reside with the both of you too. Before Wormtail could greet the two women and you, Severus had already cut him off and ordered him to serve the guests drinks, very much like how he would treat a house-elf. Wormtail winced, and squeaked that he was not _Severus' servant,_ before looking to the goodness in your heart to help him out. You stared at him, but said nothing, and let Severus deal with him. 

As you helped pour the elf-made wine into the glasses and offered two to Narcissa and Bellatrix, Severus downed his own in one gulp, as if to steady his nerves of what Narcissa was about to ask of him. You refilled his glass, before taking yours and swirling it around, but not taking a sip. 

Narcissa began, her eyes darting between yours and Severus' as she explained of her plan, but with the frequent interruptions and accusations by Bellatrix of Severus' untrustworthiness, the woman was slowly going insane and Severus was growing more and more irritated. You sighed, deciding to take matters into your own hands before Severus lost his temper once and for all. Moving his hand away from your thigh then, you stood, and beckoned for Bellatrix to follow you to the kitchen. She hesitated, slamming her glass down on the table to glare at Severus, but you cleared your throat loudly and with a soft _please,_ beckoned her over again. It was enough to convince her this time, as she sent the man one last leer and stood up to follow you. You caught Narcissa's tearful eyes thanking you silently before you left. 

"Bellatrix, you have to understand, Severus—"

"Where was he when The Dark Lord fell? What has he been doing all these years that he's lived in Dumbledore's pocket? Where was he even, when you and I and almost everyone else battled to retrieve the prophecy for The Dark Lord? And why, is Harry Potter still alive, when he has had him at his mercy for five years?" Bellatrix cut you off, her voice carrying far beyond the kitchen to the sitting room, where Narcissa and Severus were whispering softly. The colour was high in her cheeks, as she faced you closely. 

You licked your lips, deliberating your thoughts for a while before you replied. A filthy rat scurried past Bellatrix's feet when you spoke, and you stopped her before she could reach for her wand then. "Severus can be trusted, Bellatrix. I wouldn't be with him and still work for The Dark Lord if he wasn't, you know me. You know me inside and out, and you're my _best friend,_ aren't you? The Dark Lord has asked those exact same questions you have asked, and if Severus could have answered for those then, so could he with you now. His answers have been enough then, so they would be enough now. If you wish to press further, _please,_ only do it when he is finished with Narcissa, will you? Allow him and your sister this moment, at least. Can you do that, _Bella?"_

It was clear that the nickname did wonders for the woman, as for the first time that night, her eyes shone with a different kind of light as she looked at you. You held onto her injured wrist, rubbing your thumb fondly over it and for a brief moment, her eyes fleeted down to your hands, and she sucked in a breath. You let out a soft smile, as if to seal the deal with her. "Severus is The Dark Lord's man through and through, but you are his most faithful, most loyal, you must remember. Don't let your jealousy over him cloud your judgement, Bella. You know what you are, and I know what you are, and is that not enough?" 

She muttered in agreement, and your hands moved from her wrist then, to lay over her shoulder for the first time. You led her back to the sitting room, just in time to see Narcissa on the dusty floor, clutching onto Severus' hand as tears filled her eyes. Your hold around Bellatrix tightened, as Severus made eye contact with you, before looking straight at Bellatrix.

"Certainly, Narcissa, I shall make the Unbreakable Vow," he said quietly. "Perhaps your sister will consent to be our bonder."

"Severus, what are you doing?" You asked in a low voice, already releasing Bellatrix to walk over to him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

_Just trust me, my love. Put your faith in me and let me do this._

_How am I supposed to put my faith in you when you are making an Unbreakable Vow like this?! Just what has this woman said to you?_

_Just trust me._ And with that, he grasped his right hand with Narcissa, and you watched as Bellatrix approached your side to pull you back. You struggled to be free of her, but she had already returned to her usual maniacal grin, and pulled out her wand. 

"No! I will not have—" You started, but Bellatrix had come so close to your face then, and cut you off before you could speak any further.

"You said it yourself, Ravenclaw, that Severus Snape is to be trusted. And am I not honouring your wishes, to trust him now?" She waved her wand in the air, and you swallowed. "We are not about to contradict ourselves, are we?"

You could have said something. You should have said something, anything, to make a difference. Because if you did, maybe things would have turned out so much more differently, maybe things could have turned out for the better, or the roles could have been switched, but you said nothing. You said nothing at all, as you watched in absolute _horror_ as Bellatrix placed the tip of her wand on their linked hands, her other hand holding your hand to keep a hold over you. 

Narcissa spoke, and a thin tongue of brilliant flame issued from the wand and wound its way around their hands like red-hot wire. You struggled once more, but Bellatrix's hold was deadly. Severus nodded to Narcissa's request of watching over her son Draco then, while he attempted to fulfil The Dark Lord's wishes, and a second tongue of flame shot when he agreed to protect the boy to the best of his abilities. You nearly took out your own wand to hex Bellatrix when Severus agreed to the final request of _carrying out the deed that The Dark Lord has ordered Draco to perform,_ knowing that whatever it was, it was not something to be messed around with, but once again, the third tongue of flame shot from the wand, as the woman's astounded face glowed red. You felt like your heart just died in your throat when she finally let go. 

Narcissa then turned to you, a remorseful look on her face, and you almost marched right up to slam her against the wall of bookshelves, when Severus detected your intentions and immediately grabbed you from behind. Bellatrix stiffened, but you caught her trying to calm herself down as you then turned towards Severus, a murderous look in your eyes. 

"(y/n), this is my son we are talking about..." Narcissa tried to reason, but you were having none of it.

"And this is my husband you are sacrificing! Do you think his life means any less than Draco's? Do you think he has no one that _needs_ him like you need your son, Narcissa?! I invited you in here, under the impression that under my house, you would not make such an unreasonable request of my husband! But you are—you are—"

"I wanted it to be _you._ I wanted it to be you I made the vow with, because you had a more intimate knowledge of the students in the school, and you would...you would..."

"She would be an easier target, that is. And I am not allowing her to carry out what you have asked of her, Narcissa. The vow has been made, and we will speak of this no longer." Severus cut her off, and upon hearing his words, a whole other surge of rage filled you altogether. This time, though, the rage was directed towards _him._

You breathed deeply, allowing your voice to be as calm as possible as you faced Narcissa once more. Her face was tear-stricken, and she visibly backed up to the wall when you approached, but you balled your fists and held your anger in. "I think...now that you have gotten what you were looking for, Narcissa, you should leave. You have overstayed your welcome here."

"My love—" Severus tried to call out, but you were insistent.

"Leave! And never come back here again!" You yelled, and the woman actually _shivered_ , before she nodded her head, and with two quick strides, walked out the door, Bellatrix following suit. Though, before she left, she caught Severus’ eye once more, and under his disapproving gaze, she leaned close to you, her mouth inches from yours, and pressed a taunting kiss to your cheek. She giggled as Severus growled. 

"You are very cute when you are angry, _my little Ravenclaw."_ Bellatrix managed, before the door was shut, leaving Severus in the small, stuffy sitting room alone with a seething and _very angry_ you.


	2. Still Outside

1st July 1996

With the door locked and the enchantments around the house backed up again, Severus took a small gulp as he faced you then, your eyes fiery. 

You slammed the glasses that Narcissa and Bellatrix had been drinking out of on the table, and they shattered into tiny little pieces under the pressure. "I don't understand what part of _making decisions like these together_ you don't understand, Severus! We agreed, for both of our safety and peace of mind—"

"We _agreed,_ to ensure that it puts neither of us in a difficult position with the other," Severus corrected. "This doesn't count."

"Oh, yes it does! Severus, what do you think is going to happen? The Dark Lord has given the boy a task, and if Narcissa thinks it's too much for him—"

"Narcissa coddles Draco. He will be fine, and—"

"LET ME FINISH!" You screamed at him, and Severus knew the scurrying behind the hidden bookshelf wall was Wormtail trying to get away from you. You getting angry was infinitely scarier than Severus getting angry, and he did not want to have an early death because of it. "He will not be fine and you know it! Severus, you know I have always respected your privacy, and I understand if you don't want to tell me what this mission is about, for my own safety and yours, but...but we have to talk about these things! You can't just make Unbreakable Vows the moment I disappear for a second! We share a life now, and I cannot have you die on me because of all the stupid decisions you are making out of the good of your heart. You are a very selfless man, I know, and Narcissa and Lucius are your friends, but _I am your wife._ Please, if not for the sake of your own life, think for the sake of mine, Sev. You need to afford to be selfish too, to save your own neck."

Severus cast his gaze downwards, slowly realising that you were right. He knew you were right and he knew that it had been sort of a foolish move, to make that Vow with Narcissa so blatantly in front of you, but he had been blinded by the rage that Bellatrix had accused him of doing nothing and what it caused, as well as his guilt towards Lucius being captured and sent to Azkaban. And now not only did he put himself at such a risk, he had made his wife mad at him for it too. He mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"I'm not looking for apologies, Severus," You sighed, rubbing the bridge of your nose. "What is done is done. You can't undo the past, but you can change as you go, and I am going to be that change. I'll look out for Draco with you, I'll protect him too, and...whatever it is that you have to do should he fail, I'll...stand by you."

You would never know how grateful Severus felt then, as he approached you, and pulled you close to his body while his lips travelled to your forehead. He pressed a kiss there, then to your cheek, and your other cheek, before they finally landed against your lips, his form of an apology and word of thanks. You were still quite upset with him, and the frown you had on had not disappeared despite his lips being pressed against it. 

But then in a low voice, Severus voiced out his worries too, and what had been bugging him the whole time that the two sisters were in his house earlier. "You're awfully close to Bellatrix, aren't you?"

"I was the one who broke her out of Azkaban. I think she sees my mother in me," you said, your eyes fleeting towards the door. 

Severus sighed. It was not the answer he had wanted. "She likes you. She never likes any of us."

"I know."

"And you are playing a dangerous game with her, my love."

You stiffened. "Bellatrix and I are friends. What games are you suggesting, Severus?"

"You know what games."

A deep sigh, a resolve made as you shook your head against him, only holding him closer. You knew what he had meant, and you knew that subconsciously, you had been using it to manipulate her, to get her to do what you wanted, and you knew that the moment she realises it, you were done for. But you needed to play that game with her, for it was the only thing that stood between you and Severus' safety at times, and you were willing to risk it all just to make sure that he was alright; even if you had to appeal to the eyes of Sirius Black's killer, and what was probably the woman who had committed the most heinous of crimes to the Wizarding World, without showing any sign of remorse. 

There were so many words left unsaid, so many words needed to be said, but the both of you chose not to speak any further, only holding each other in your arms then, swaying on to the gentle breeze that had filled the dingy sitting room of Spinner's End.

11th July 1996

"Horace Slughorn's coming back to teach, at Hogwarts. Dumbledore plans to make _me_ your teaching partner in Defence Against the Dark Arts now. He figures we both could make the most of this, since we do have more knowledge than anyone else of what is actually going on," Severus said to you one morning, as he flipped through a copy of the _Daily Prophet_. You set down the plate of eggs in front of him and moved to place some on Wormtail's plate and hand it to him in his bedroom, but Severus stopped you before you could. "He's vermin, he should be eating the rats on the streets. You don't have to serve him and treat him like he deserves your cooking, (y/n)."

You pulled his hand away from yours gently, and shook your head. "He's going to be with us for a while, Severus. It would be good for you to start treating him more nicely. You know I despise him as much as you do, but he is a guest in this house, and he has proven to be somewhat useful, at least. Please, let me do this."

Severus grunted, and gave you a disapproving stare as you disappeared out of the kitchen for a minute, before returning later on and sitting in front of him as you helped pour him his tea. You watched as he lit a cigarette between his lips, before pulling it away with his fingers, and carefully blowing out the puff of smoke away from your face. "What was that you said earlier, about Horace Slughorn?"

"Right. I will no longer be teaching Potions anymore. He is going to take over for me. Dumbledore's planning on getting him into the Order, I think, and this is just a step in the plan." Severus took another long drag, and the small room filled with the intense smell of dizzying cigarette smoke before you opened the windows just a little bit. 

"And are you happy about that? Are you ready to leave Potions?"

"Of course I am happy. I finally get to teach what I've wanted to teach for years, and I get to do it _with you,_ " he said, before deliberating for a moment. "It just feels strange, to be finally leaving Potions after so long. And to see Slughorn again..."

"You know, I don't remember much of Slughorn," You added, taking a sip of your tea. "You took over for him after the war, halfway through my third year, I think."

Severus turned to you, and he pulled the cigarette away from his lips for a moment, before cracking a grin as he shook his head. "I was your teacher? From your third-year?"

"Yeah, I remember seeing this fresh-faced, twenty something year old new Potions teacher replacing Slughorn, and I remembered asking myself if you would even be any good. And you sort of were, you used to call on me in classes even though I never raised my hand, and taking away House points from Ravenclaw even when I answered you correctly. You used to say, _Acting dumb is just as much cause to take points away as actually being dumb,_ because I knew the answer and clearly hadn't bothered. Then you would tell me to raise my hand the next time, and I remembered hexing you very angrily in my mind."

Severus chuckled, remembering the idea quite fondly, and prompted for you to continue. "I advanced to the NEWT level with you, and my year had the lowest number of students who did. You only let those who achieved an 'O' in the OWLs to advance, and there were probably around five or six other students who did, I remember. But you were softer, kinder, to us sixth-years then, you were very different from when you were teaching the whole class in fifth year. We used to dare each other to get you to smile, you know, and you were aware of our little game. You went out of your way to scowl more, to go even harder on us, to the point where I think you whacked me really hard with your textbook one day, when I told you a very lame joke in class, that I had headaches for a week. But we worked hard enough, and you did crack just a tiny, little tiny, fragment of a smile on graduation day, when the group of us huddled alongside you and practically begged you to take a photograph with us. Everybody hated you then, for not allowing them to advance to NEWT level Potions and foiling their dreams of being an Auror or Healer or whatever it was, but our group knew you better. And our group had grown quite fond of you, Professor Snape." 

You caught Severus letting out a smile, a real smile, as he reminisced the times where he was still teaching his earlier batches, and realised that he really had not changed that much since then. He was a little nicer to the older students, and he did favour those that made it up to NEWT level Potions just that little bit more. "And you wasted all my efforts on you, by achieving perfect scores in all of your NEWTs, and going straight to play for a Quidditch team instead of becoming an Auror."

You laughed, and lightly slapped his hand as you stood then, and retreated upstairs for a while. Severus took the time to light another cigarette, and he puffed it out and stared at the rare sight of the birds outside of his window while he awaited for your return. 

"Found it!" You hollered, and Severus narrowed his eyes at the large object in your hand, trying to see what it was. You encouraged him to open his legs, and sat between them, as he rested his chin atop of your head and your hands flew to open the very dusty photo album. Flipping past a few photographs of your old teammates from the Falmouth Falcons, you finally landed on the page of your graduation day, and you scanned the page briefly before you found the exact photograph you had been talking about earlier.

Severus went even closer, and there he was. You were standing right beside him in the photograph, dressed in your graduation robes and clinging onto another girl beside you as you grinned, and when the photograph moved, there was a flash of when you looked up towards him, while he scowled at the camera, his hands around his figure. Though, even Severus could recognise it, the younger him could not hide it as well as he could then, but in his eyes, was a distinct look of _pride_ that he had for the group. He let out a soft smile at himself. 

The man let his fingers roam over the photograph, and at the sight of you looking upwards to him again, with unmistakeable _adoration_ in your eyes, Severus chuckled. You noticed, and your cheeks grew red. "I always did fancy you, just a little bit, even in school."

"My, my, (y/n), fawning over a teacher? How scandalous," Severus teased, and you pouted at him cutely before he pressed a kiss to your cheek, apologising. "But you have made me realise, through all this, how _old_ I am. Merlin, look at you, it's hard to believe that this very student right here, would one day turn out to be the love of my life. I saw you grow from a feisty and hard-headed third-year Quidditch player, to one of the most sophisticated and clever young women I had ever got to know of, of course I was proud of you then."

You smiled against him, leaning back into his chest. "And one day, that Quidditch player married her Potions professor. She married her childhood crush."

Severus clucked his tongue, and you giggled as his hands sat you up to face him, before he took your lips in his softly. "How did you get so lucky then, my love?"

"Must be all the Potions I made for you, made you fall for me eventually."

13th July 1996

It was nearly shortly after midnight when the door from the back of The Burrow knocked, and you looked up from the book you had been reading for a second to see Molly cross the kitchen table you were sitting at, to inquire who had chosen to visit at such an ungodly hour. Tonks was beside you, a large mug clutched between her hands. 

The door creaked open, and a soft smile found its way to your face when Dumbledore walked in with Harry in tow. His eyes lit up when he saw you, and his feet carried themselves to your side after he was done being pulled into a hug by Molly. This time, though, he did not pull you into the embrace that nearly crushed your bones when he saw you show up at Privet Drive a year ago, no, he only accepted hand you offered and allowed you to ruffle his hair for a minute. Tonks greeted him with an ill expression on her face, and you faintly remembered her telling you that she had been up for more than forty eight hours, explaining why she looked so terrible then. 

Dumbledore and Tonks left soon after, while Molly sized Harry up and down, tutting as she spoke about how tall he had grown once again over the short period of time that he had spent with the Dursley's. Then, as she proceeded into the kitchen to whip up scraps of the previous night's dinner, you invited him to sit right beside you and closed the book that you had been reading. Harry's cheeks grew a faint red when he saw that it had been a copy of _Guide to Advanced Occlumency._

"You came early," You started, studying him. "Dumbledore said you would not arrive until morning."

"Would you have been here if I was to arrive in the morning?"

You chuckled. "No, I was only supposed to deliver another report after dinner, but Tonks sat me down and we were so engrossed in whatever she had to say, that I lost track of time."

"Well, then it's a good thing that I arrived early, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," you replied, watching as Molly set down a bowl of steaming onion soup in front of the boy. She sat down across the both of you, and practically beamed as she began telling Harry of Arthur Weasley's promotion. You listened lazily as Harry ate beside you and the book rustled in the night breeze, all while Molly's own voice slowly drowned out and your thoughts drifted to Draco again, and what exactly Narcissa had asked of Severus to do. It troubled you to no end, but of course, you had no one to confide that in, aside from Severus, who was already busy reassuring you every night and then that it would all be fine. You knew that it would not all be fine, but you never had the heart to tell him so. 

Then, Arthur Weasley came home, and Harry could feel you visibly tense as he stepped over the threshold and made eye contact with you. Although there was no hostility between the two of you, just the knowledge that the _Death Eaters_ had been causing enough trouble for him at the Ministry and you being a part of them was enough to put the both of you at very clear differences. Not to mention the fact that his suspicions about you being a Death Eater initially were right, it just became natural that every time he entered a room, you would be the first one to leave it. But right then, with only the four of you there, you could only give him an awkward nod, before standing up from where you were. He blinked his eyes in response, but said nothing. 

"I should go," you said aloud, smiling at Harry once more before you grabbed your travelling cloak from the hanger on the wall. Arthur continued watching you, his eyes scrutinising on the Dark Mark that was very visible on your arm due to the fact that you had been wearing a rather shorter-sleeved shirt, and you knew he vehemently disapproved of the idea that a _Death Eater_ was in his house. 

"Oh, but you had agreed to wait for Severus here, haven't you, dear? He'll be worried if he shows up and you are gone!" Molly interjected, but you only shook your head. "And it is not safe out there, you know!"

"I will be fine, Molly. Severus must have forgotten, he has been very busy these past couple of days, so I don't blame him if he has. But just in case he does show up here later on, will you tell him that I have safely reached home, for me?" You grabbed her hand in thanks for her hospitality, and she nodded, though there was an emotion that you could not place behind her eyes. 

Before you left, though, you could distinctly hear her final conversation with her husband as she sent Harry up to bed. 

"You're chasing her away, each time she comes here! You know how _fragile_ she already is, Arthur! Poor thing has been manipulated into joining them because of that _Severus Snape!"_

"It's not my fault she feels uncomfortable around me! This is my house, Molly, did you expect me to just leave the moment I saw her?"

"You could have at least extended her your welcome!"

"Why would I want to extend a _Death Eater_ my welcome?! It's already good enough I don't chase her out of my house each time she comes in with that frightening mark on her arm, and if she's managed to hide all these things from us for so long, who knows what else she could be hiding? I'm telling you now, Molly, that girl is a ticking time bomb to us and our children. If Dumbledore hadn't assured us all that he has his full trust in her, you know none of us here would actually welcome her at all! And her parents—"

"Arthur!"

"It's true, Molly! You know their side of pure-bloods, she's the same kind as that Lucius Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange! Pure-bloods with too much money and power, they wouldn't want to have a single thing to do with us, not if they don't have anything to gain from it! Just you wait, if she dies in the war without an identified killer, nobody would—"

But you had already disapparated from there the moment he began that next sentence, bitter tears welling in your eyes as you marched right up to Spinner's End once more and stepped past the entrance to lock yourself in and away from the knowledge that even your supposed family, even _the Order,_ had failed you once again.


	3. The Weapon

31st July 1996

"Are you ready to go?" Severus asked from the small sitting room, while you put on your travelling cloak and hurriedly grabbed the present you had prepared from the bedside table. 

"Just a second, we need to make a small pitstop at The Burrow, then we can go pick up the new weapons Dumbledore ordered from Romania," you replied, coming down the stairs and meeting him halfway. 

Severus sighed when he saw the bundle stuffed into your cloak, shaking his head. "You didn't have to give the boy a present; not after what the inhabitants of that house have said about you."

"I know, I know, Severus, but it'll be really quick. I promised him I would come for his party the other day, I'm already disappointing him enough that I'll only be there to drop off his present and leaving immediately after. It's the least I could do." 

Severus intended to wait outside as you stepped into the threshold of The Burrow, but with Molly insisting on beckoning him in and you agreeing that it would be better if he stepped in for a while, he had no choice but to enter as well. When the both of you did, however, it seemed as if the celebrations and noise inside the house came to a standstill. Everyone was looking at the both of you, in matching black robes and looking more and more like Death Eaters, if possible, and it seemed as if the festivities had died the moment you showed up. You and Severus stared back, and inside your travelling cloak, your hands were already shaking with nervousness and doubt of what they were going to say to you. The silence dragged on forever, as your eyes swept over Arthur and Molly Weasley, to their children and Hermione, and then to the other members of the Order.

And you were just about to leave, really, to turn around and leave to escape the tenseness of it all, when Molly finally broke out of her trance and clapped happily. "Two more guests! Oh, Arthur, help me conjure up more chairs, will you?"

Arthur made a move towards the table, but you stopped him before he could. "Please, it's alright. We only came to drop off Harry's present, from the both of us. Is he upstairs, Molly?"

"He's just changing from his Quidditch robes, he'll be coming down soon. Would you like some cake, dear?" She smiled at you.

"No, thank you. Severus and I best be leaving now—"

"(y/n)!" Before you could finish, however, you were interrupted by a familiar voice to your right. You whipped your head around, and found that Remus had just entered through the back door, grinning widely at you. Though, his appearance betrayed the happy expression he was donning, as he looked gaunt and grim, worser than ever as his hair grew with more streaks of grey than brown then. You noticed a few more frays and patched up holes on his robes, and you quickly tore your eyes away from them in case he noticed. 

Severus could hardly believe his eyes when the man took quick strides towards the both of you, before you allowed yourself to smile fondly at him when he swept you off of your feet and hugged you in midair. You laughed softly against him when he let you down, before noticing Severus' glare and stepping backwards quickly to allow for more space between the two of you. "Remus, have you been well? I haven't seen you since the wedding."

He shrugged. "Could be better. Listen, I have something I want to speak to you about. Would you mind staying for a while? Severus, you can go grab a plate, let me steal her for a bit."

Severus looked like he was about to hex Remus, but with your pleading glance and assurance that it would only be a while, he begrudgingly sauntered off, trying hard not to strain his ears on what the two of you could be talking about as Remus dragged you to the far side of the kitchen. On your way there, you spotted the familiar pink-coloured head of Tonks once more, only this time, she was staring at the both of you, her eyes locked at where Remus was holding your arm. You consciously removed yourself from his hold then.

"They've found Igor Karkaroff's body in a shack up north," Remus announced, dropping his voice lower as Ginny passed the both of you. "The Dark Mark had been set all over it—well frankly, I'm surprised he stayed alive for even a year after deserting the Death Eaters. Sirius' brother—"

"What are you asking of me, Remus?"

He looked uneasy. "I'm just saying..."

"The Death Eaters are now a very large organisation, Remus. It's no longer just me, Lucius, Severus and anyone you knew of previously anymore. I don't have control over most of the aspects of what is going on, and aside from the weekly reports I send to the Order, I have no information to offer you."

But Remus gave you a weird look, before he shook his head. "You don't get it, do you?"

Tonks was approaching the two of you then, and she stiffened even further when Remus dragged you away. "What do I not get?"

"I'm worried about you! Y-You just disappear every couple of weeks for days at a time to meet with _them_ , and each time you come back, it's only Severus that gets to see the state you are in. How am I supposed to know if you come home fine, or if I'm just supposed to wait for the arrival of news that they've found your body like Karkaroff's at a deserted island somewhere?"

You paused, your eyes searching his, and for a moment, they gleaned with concern once more, but he quickly looked away. He added, "Maybe I'm just being too paranoid, or...I don't know. I've lost Sirius and James and Lily and Peter, _I can't lose you too."_

"Oh, Remus," You pulled him into your arms then, and he sighed as he allowed his head to rest on your shoulder. "I'll be fine. I know that you're worried about me, and so am I about you. Working with the werewolves, I can't imagine just how harrowing that must be for you. And I promise, I am doing fine, well, as fine as anybody can do right now. We're all in the Order, we all stand a chance of getting hurt, Remus. James and Lily knew that, Sirius knew that, and you should know that. Please, don't spend so much time worrying about me, and take care of yourself too, alright? Our main priority has and always will be to protect Harry, but you need to look out for yourself as well, because I cannot lose you too."

Remus held you tighter, inhaling your scent for a moment, before he let out a soft chuckle. "You've always been like this. I don't know what I'm so worried about. I have nothing to be worried about, right?"

You did not know if he was trying to convince himself or you, but you chose to assure him anyway. "Absolutely nothing. But promise me this, Remus, for neither of us to not be worried for each other, neither of us are allowed to _die,_ alright? No dying, no matter what."

"(y/n), you know that—" Remus tried to correct you, but you were already holding up your pinky finger to him, frowning. He looked around, ensuring that nobody was looking at the both of you commit such a childish act, before he sighed and intertwined his own finger against yours. 

"Promise. No dying."

Harry had already strolled down the stairs by the time the two of you returned to the living room, and although his eyes lit up at the sight of you at his birthday party, you knew he was feeling just as crestfallen when you presented your gift to him, before Severus was already pulling you away to leave. He then asked if he could open it with you, in a spur of the moment of decision to get you to stay longer with him, and although Severus was already pulling you by the waist and looking very annoyed, you did not have the heart to tell him no. 

And so you led him to the lawn for a moment, away from the crowds inside the house, where Severus waited at the edge while you stood with Harry, ready to disapparate anytime. You encouraged Harry to quickly unwrap the present, and hid a soft smile for yourself when he gasped at the pair of new Quidditch gloves and a pair of glasses. 

He held it up, and you took it gently to explain what it was. "I understand that you did not fancy the Quidditch goggles that much, but your glasses do fog up and reduce your visibility whenever weather conditions are bad. So, to prevent you the hassle of having to ask Hermione to enchant them for you every time you have a game, I got a few of my friends in professional Quidditch to make you this. It repels water, strong winds, insects, whatever it is that could distract your sight from the Snitch, and it doesn't break when hit by a Bludger. Also protects your eyes as well, if you wanted to know."

Harry did not know what to say, as you handed him back his gift. The Quidditch gloves were made of a very premium type of dragon skin, he knew, and they must have cost a fortune, but at the sight of the glasses that you had made for him, he was so fascinated and grateful that he could not put his gratitude into words. So he did all he could do then, and threw his arms around you. You laughed softly, and patted his back in return. 

"Professor, I don't know—How can I thank you for this?" He asked, already trying the new glasses on. 

"Just keep yourself safe, Harry, that's the best thing you can do for me. And if you really want to," You paused, thinking if what you were asking of him would be too much, but he nodded at you firmly. "Would you look out for Remus and Tonks for me? Just make sure the two of them are alright and check in with them once in a while, and that they are taking care of themselves. I know, it's an odd request, and—"

"I'll do it, Professor. Of course I would," Harry grinned at you.

1st August 1996

A few weeks before the new school term, and much to your disdain, you were roped into another Death Eater meeting, with The Dark Lord himself involved this time. Though, when you arrived at the place, you were quite taken aback when you found that only he was there, waiting for you. A strike of fear shot through your heart at what he had deemed was so important that he had to speak to you personally, with no one around to witness anything should he kill you then. 

Taking an uneasy seat and controlling your trembling hands around him, you could tell that he had been trying to read your mind, and you struggled to block out any thoughts then. When he proved unsuccessful, you knew he deliberated punishing you for it for a moment, before deciding there were more important things to be settled and moved on. 

"My little Ravenclaw, do you know precisely why I have picked you, of all people, to be the one under my control?" His voice drawled, cold and terrifying. 

"No, my lord."

"But are you honoured, that you have been given this rare opportunity, Ravenclaw? It is of an utmost honour, you know."

"Yes, I am," you replied, steeling your nerves. "Very honoured."

"You have an intimate knowledge of the Hogwarts grounds, am I correct?"

"Yes."

"And you are a Ravenclaw true and true, correct?"

You did not know if he was joking, but he had brandished his wand then, and with a swish of it, he had forced you to nod in front of him. He grinned, and continued. "Your parents thought of it as a curse, an insufferable curse that has hindered you from achieving your true potential. And it may be true, you could have been so much _more_ had you been in Slytherin, and I could have reached you sooner but...here you are. And what you have been given, has secretly been your blessing all along."

You kept silent, while he caressed the edge of his wand for a moment, before speaking once more. "There is a weapon, hidden in Hogwarts. It is of utmost use to me, and it would set us back a great deal should Dumbledore...acquire it."

"If I may ask what it is, my lord?" You were choosing your words carefully, and so was he. 

"What is important is that you know how crucial it is to me, and you ensure you guard it at all times. Knowing what it is is none of your concern, until the time comes, of course. It is your purpose now, your sole purpose to me, to guard whatever that weapon is, and make sure that Dumbledore is unaware of the weapon I have hidden in his own castle."

"How am I supposed to guard it if I don't—"

But he had waved his wand, and it was as if a slap rung in the air when your cheeks turned bright red and a steady stream of blood trickled down. "What were you saying, little Ravenclaw? Were you on the brink of defying my orders? I will have you know that Severus Snape is on a very important mission now too, my dear, and you wouldn't want anything to happen to your _husband,_ do you? Not while both of your lives are in my hands."

You bit back the resentment, the fear, and the absolute hatred you had for him, and kept your eyes on his. "No, my lord." 

"Very good. Your father would have been very proud, from where he is in Azkaban right now, of course. Because you see, _little Ravenclaw,_ " The Dark Lord got up, and encircling the chair that you were sitting on, the hairs on the back of your neck immediately stood when he leaned down close to your face. With a caress down your cut cheek, he continued. "That weapon, how should I say this, is sort of a _crown jewel_ to my collection. Should anything happen to it, you can count that I will not take so kindly as I have for your failure at the Ministry, dear."


	4. We’ll Be Alright

3rd August 1996

The last time you visited Diagon Alley had been ages ago. Between everything that you were caught up with and the very busy schedules each of the members of the Order had, it was difficult to find time to squeeze in for new supplies for the new school term. However, you had had a rare off day then, and because Severus had been swept up in another task for the Order, you decided that you would do his shopping too, considering he had to purchase an assortment of new items for his new position as your fellow Defence Against the Dark Arts partner. 

Though, when you did arrive at the place, you did not remember it being as gloomy as it was then. The previously bright and rowdy atmosphere that you so loved when you were younger, had turned sombre with the boarded up windows and shops shut down due to the economic downturn caused by the rise of The Dark Lord. Every shop you passed, saw large Ministry of Magic posters that provided all the frankly, useless information on how to deal with the Dark Forces, while many others also carried posters of wanted Death Eaters, Bellatrix's face being the prime focus on all of them. You paused to study one such poster for a minute, and at the sneering photograph that greeted you, you quickly looked away, and set out on your task to purchase the new supplies for Severus. 

After a brief stop to gather new quills and books that Severus would need to catch up on to teach the students, you remembered that he did say he needed a new travelling cloak, for he refused to use the very expensive one you purchased for him a while ago on one of his birthdays, from Twilfitt and Tatting's. _I want an economic one, where I don't have to worry about you killing me if I accidentally rip it or conjure a hole through it when I travel,_ you remembered him saying, and softly smiled to yourself. So you headed to Madam Malkin's shop then, your mind already picking out which cloak he would probably like from the shop. 

In fact, you had been so absorbed in your thoughts for a minute there, that you failed to notice the terse atmosphere that you had just walked into. When you lifted your head up, however, you were greeted with the sight of Harry, Ron and Hermione. Harry and Ron had their wands drawn, and you followed their line of vision to see who they were glaring at. _Draco Malfoy,_ your heart fell to your stomach as you remembered just the conversation you had with his mother weeks earlier. Draco was, as per usual, taunting and insulting them, and in any other circumstance, you would have been the first to whack him on the head for doing so, only you were not at Hogwarts and _Narcissa_ had strolled out from behind the clothes racks. 

"Put those away," She said coldly to Harry and Ron. "If you attack my son again, I shall ensure that it is the last thing you ever do."

"Now, I don't think threatening _children_ is a very nice thing to do, Narcissa." The woman whipped her head around in shock, and her lips went dry when she made eye contact with you. The Gryffindor trio could tell there was a sudden shift in power dynamics in the room as the woman suddenly looked _terrified_ in front of you. Harry wondered for brief moment just what exactly you had done to command such behaviour from the woman in that manner.

"(y/n)..." She watched as you stepped forward, shielding Harry from her view. 

Harry felt emboldened by this, and spat, "Really? Going to get a few Death Eater pals to do us in, are you?"

The boy was taller than you then, and you knew he could easily see past you, but he still winced when you kicked his ankle roughly anyway. "Harry, back off."

"Professor—" He reasoned, but you glared, shaking your head at him. Narcissa had taken much offence to his accusation, however, and played to his anger as she presented him with the popular theory of him being _Dumbledore's favourite,_ poking at the suggestion that he would not be there to protect him forever. In response, Harry stepped past you and took a jab at Lucius, and the moment that Draco got involved, was when you sharply pulled the Gryffindor back and nearly slapped him with how annoyed you were. 

"You three, follow me out, _now._ " You glanced at Ron and Hermione as well, before grabbing Harry by the wrist to move, but he stayed. He made a move to raise his wand, but you were even quicker, and before he knew it, the wand had dropped to the floor with a loud _thwack_ with how fast you slapped it out of his hands. "Now!"

You caught Narcissa sneering in disgust at the three of them, but when she caught your stare and saw the way your jaw clenched at her, she faltered, and nodded at you as if to say thanks. You averted your gaze then, and focused on dragging Harry out to the colder streets of Diagon Alley again.

"Six years! Six years, and you still cannot get it through your head, the fact that we are all _risking_ our lives here for you, and you go around wagging your wand foolishly in the middle of a shop in Diagon Alley, just because Draco Malfoy provoked you! Have you not learnt anything from the past that each time that happens, it doesn't end well, Harry?!" You scolded, butting heads with the boy while Ron, Hermione and Hagrid watched from a distance. 

He, like all teenage boys did, suddenly grew hotheaded at the accusation. "He was insulting Hermione! He called her a...you know what! And did you not hear just how his mother had defended him? The only reason that she backed off was probably because of you! She was scared of you, we all saw it!"

You stepped back, your eyebrows raising. _Narcissa? Scared of me?_ You wondered just what you had done to make her that terrified of you. Sure, you had threatened her out of your house in a not-so-pleasant manner, and you had yelled at her in front of Bellatrix and Severus, but that definitely had not earned her something to be scared of.

Then it hit you. The poster that was right behind Harry, the poster of the wanted Death Eaters, the face of _Bellatrix_ that painfully stood out. _Of course._ Bellatrix always had to have some hold over her sister, and it probably explained why she had been so hesitant around you. She must have been threatened. 

You let go of Harry then, and his lips parted in surprise as you suddenly shook your head, and began walking off. Right then, you had more pressing matters to attend to. "Stay close to Hagrid, and stop picking a fight with Draco Malfoy everywhere you go, Harry!"

"Professor—" He started, but you were gone, blending into the crowd once more, nowhere in his line of vision.

23rd August 1996

With your cloak over your arms and your bags in Severus' hands, you knew that _Fleur Delacour_ could tell that you were surprised, when you knocked on the doors of The Burrow to find out that _she_ had been the one to open it for you. She smiled warmly at you nonetheless, and you returned it faintly before awkwardly stepping inside, noticing the tense atmosphere in the air. _Weird, usually it would appear only after we arrive,_ you thought, as you approached Molly, who was poring over the stove and stirring whatever was in it madly.

"Hello, Molly," you said, carefully laying down the report you had for her on the dining table, not daring to approach her. 

She rambled to herself for another minute, apparently very absorbed in whatever she seemed so pissed about, before she noticed your presence and turned around. "(y/n)! I didn't even notice—Oh, how are you dear?"

"I'm good, Molly, always good, don't you worry," For a moment, you thought about asking her what had made her so caught up in her anger, but as you made eye contact with Ginny from the top of the stairs, you saw the shaking of her head and instantly reclined your words. She pointed slowly towards Fleur, but you had decided it was enough to not want to pry. "Well, I better get going. Severus and I still have to—"

But you were interrupted by two distinct voices approaching the house, before the back door slammed open and in stormed Tonks and Remus. Tonks was livid, while Remus seemed frustrated himself while she yelled at him. 

"And you always defend her, even when it's so obvious that she is in the wrong!"

"Tonks, you know that—"

"That she's your friend, I get it, but _you had feelings for her,_ Remus, so while I understand that you are standing up for her because you believe in her, sometimes I wonder if it is because there is something more for you in doing so!" Tonks retorted even before the man could finish, and a sickening feeling in your gut already told you what, or rather, who, the argument was about. 

"But you don't understand, she is innocent. I know her, and I know that she wouldn't betray us, Tonks!" 

"Oh, no Death Eater is truly innocent, Remus! You must be some kind of fool to believe that! And she's a _pure-blood,_ she has more to gain from betraying us than staying with us!" At her words, you felt your feet begin to carry you backwards, wanting to slip out unannounced before they noticed that you were there at all. Remus tried to refute her on this, but it seemed as if no words could come out of his mouth as he stared at the woman; speechless. 

"See?! There it is again! You, defending her with nothing to back you up but your instincts! I mean, you're acting like I don't even exist when you're around her, Remus, how am I supposed to believe—"

"Tonks, I believe we have a visitor," Molly prodded, trying to get both of their attention, but it seemed as if it fell on deaf ears. 

"You don't have to believe it because it's the truth! And I'm not favouring her because I still have feelings for her, I mean, she's married, for Merlin's sake!" Remus shook his head in disbelief, scoffing at the woman in front of him. "To _Severus Snape!"_

"Remus!" Molly tried again, but you were already at the door with Severus, who was gripping onto the door handle so tightly that his hands had turned white. 

"You say his name with such contempt, Remus, that it just makes you seem that you are not over that fact. Every single time she comes around, it is her you go to first, it is her that you tell all your secrets to, it is _her_ that is the first priority in your mind! Not m—the Order, not anyone else!" 

"TONKS!" Molly shouted this time, but what had finally made the two stop was the incessant banging of her wooden spoon against the pot, the noise so loud and annoying that even you and Severus had to step back even further from the woman. Tonks and Remus looked around to see what had prompted the woman to do so, and their faces drained of colour when they saw the two of you by the door. Molly cleared her throat. "As you can see, we have _guests."_

You swallowed, watching as their eyes travelled from you, to Severus, then to each other, their mouths agape. Molly sighed uncomfortably, for it seemed even her annoyance with Fleur was nothing compared to the argument Remus and Tonks were having, and turned back to her stove. You knew she was hoping that if she could not see the tension, she would not feel the tension.

But you were the first to speak. Holding Severus' hand, you announced, "Well, we will be seeing the two of you less frequently from now on, if that is any consolation. Severus and I were just heading back to Hogwarts, please tell the children upstairs that we said hello, and that we will be seeing them very soon. Goodbye, you all."

"Wait, (y/n)—" Tonks tried to get a word in before you left, but you only smiled at her and succumbed to Severus dragging you out. 

"It's fine, Tonks. I didn't hear anything, don't worry," you said before she could continue, and softly shut the door in her face.

But nothing of what you just overheard was fine, in any shape or form.

29th August 1996

"Do you think I should move my clothes to another dresser, or should we just share one?" Severus asked, a bundle of his robes in his hands as he stared at you. When you gave no reply, still staring out the window of your newly acquired shared quarters on the high floors of the castle, Severus prodded further. "(y/n)? Are you alright?"

That broke you out of your daze. "Huh? Oh, yes, yes, just put them with mine."

In response, Severus only put down his robes briefly, before enveloping you in a hug from the back. "What is it you are not telling me, love?"

"I-It's nothing. I was just a little distracted with...whatever Tonks said that day, is all." 

Severus sighed. "They don't know what they're talking about. I know you would never betray the Order and you know you would never betray the Order, not after all that's happened. And is knowing your own heart not enough, my love?"

You sank further into his comfort, studying the room then. Being able to finally escape the gloomy and freezing temperatures of the dungeons had been a relief, with Slughorn taking over Severus' quarters and office then, and it allowed the both of you to officially move in together into a larger shared quarters higher up within the castle, which made it all the more better, honestly. Your own quarters and office had been moved, and with a new shared, split office between the both of you, you knew that planning and meeting students with your fellow Defence Against the Dark Arts partner was made infinitely easier. Not to mention that your partner then was _your husband._

And the quarters itself was quite nice, actually. The walls were freshly painted, and there was more space for Severus' smaller collection of Potion bottles that he carried up from his own private stores, as well as your antique books. There were finally windows, that provided fresh air and allowed for better ventilation, and the temperatures were no longer the coldest in the castle, which had been a very big thing for you. But perhaps what had been the thing that made you so excited to finally move out, was the fact that you finally had the opportunity to start afresh. No more harrowing memories, traumatic experiences, and painful flashbacks each time you stepped in to either room, it was almost like a breath of fresh air after what seemed like a gradual drowning sensation through the years. It made you feel just a little bit better of all the things you went through over the years you spent at Hogwarts. It was a new life, and you were starting it off with the person you loved most in the world. 

But that was the problem, sometimes. "It is enough. But sometimes I feel that it is enough for only you and I. I feel that we only have each other in this world, Severus."

"And is there anything bad about that? To only have each other?"

You took a while to answer. "I guess it's alright. We'll be alright, right?"

Severus looked down at you, meeting your hopeful eyes, and he could not find it in his heart to say anything else. He could only nod then, saying, "We'll be alright."


	5. Fawkes

1 September 1996

As you took your seat beside Severus at the Great Hall for the first feast of the term, you could not help but notice that one particular student was nowhere to be found. In strolled Hermione, then Ron, then Neville and Luna, but _Harry_ was nowhere to be found. You made eye contact with Hermione, and silently asked her of your unanswered question, but it seemed as if she did not have a clue either. It was making you rather worried. The other members of the Order had promised that they would be able to send the boy safely to Hogwarts, before the teachers of the school itself would assume responsibility on him, but right then, you were suddenly having doubts if they had held up their end of the promise at all. 

Leaning into Severus' side, you whispered, "Do you see Harry anywhere in the crowd?"

He paused from taking a swig from his goblet, and scanned his eyes through the students. When he shook his head slowly, still trying in vain to search for the mess of unkempt hair and round glasses, was when you began to stand. "What are you—"

"We have to find him, Severus. Pick him up, from wherever he is, he could've been dragged away from the rest, or in trouble!"

"You and I know that boy has a knack for fancy entrances, my love, it's probably just his tardiness," Severus quipped, but you were unconvinced. 

"Please, Sev." The man sighed upon hearing your words, the sound of you pleading him was enough to get you whatever you wanted, the both of you recognise. He reluctantly got up, and accepting your invitation to walk out from the back of the hall, the two of you set out to pick the boy up from your first suspected place that he would be at; still on the Hogwarts Express.

However, right as your feet touched the cold floors of the Entrance Hall and set out to the main gates, a silvery animal practically glided by the both of you, and you recognised that it had been one of a wolf. Severus said beside you, "They've found him."

"They have," You agreed. "We better go and pick him up then."

Tonks was the one who brought the boy back; you noticed as Severus brought the lantern closer to the gates. The woman was quite positively dismayed when her call to Hagrid reached out to the both of you, but as you unlocked the gates and brought Harry in while Severus dealt with her, you could not care for anything less than the fact that the boy was safe. Severus, at that point, was quite frustrated already, and shut the gates in her face with a loud clang after a sharp jab at her Patronus. _That_ got your attention then, as you turned sharply towards him.

"Severus!" You scolded, but he did not seem intent on backing down. 

"I think you were better off with the old one," He said with an unmistakeable malice in his voice. It was clear he was still very much affected by what she had said about you the other day. "The new one looks weak."

You understood that he was trying to stand up for you, really, because in any other case you would have done the same for him, but to take such a stance against a woman who was really not at her best was something else entirely. You almost felt ashamed of him then, as you pulled him away from the gate. "Go, with Harry. I will catch up with you soon."

"What are you going to do?" He raised his eyebrow, but you said nothing more, and ushered him back before you lit your own wand and faced the woman. She had a mixture of shock and anger in her face, and you squeezed your hands through the gates to hold hers as she stared forlornly at Severus. 

"I'm sorry, he can be a little...insensitive sometimes. He doesn't mean it, Tonks."

"He looked like he meant it, though," Tonks replied, and you frowned. "I...I should go, I have had a very long day, and I need to—"

"I think Remus loves you too," you quickly said, and she blinked in surprise. "I think he loves you, and he doesn't want you to worry, Tonks. When you love a person, there's always a tiny part of you that's terrified that one day you're going lose them. And I think that Remus is so scared of that emotion that...he stops himself from feeling anything at all when he's with you, which naturally, would make you think..."

"...That he still loves you too." The woman continued for you, and you nodded softly at her. 

"Remus and I are friends, Tonks, nothing more than that. I love the rude man who just insulted you after his own bad day today, and he loves the you that is worried sick and not taking care of herself for him. I'm on your side, and I don't want us to be at ends because of _a man,_ Tonks. We're family."

She let out a small smile, finally daring to look up at you again. "I don't know why I was so worried, you look at Severus like he puts the stars in the sky, even after everything. It's...it's amazing, how much you love him. I...I'm sorry, for whatever I said that day, I shouldn't have—"

"What's done is done, Tonks. I don't hate you for it, hell, if I had been in your position, I wouldn't have trusted me either," You interjected, assuring her. "I understand. But I want you to know that I would never do such a thing, alright?"

You could tell that you had convinced her that night, as you left her with a tight squeeze with your hands one last time, before wishing her a safe journey back as you trudged up to the castle once again.

When Dumbledore announced the arrival of Slughorn and the shift in the subject Severus would be teaching, however, you caught yourself giving a loud applause for the man beside you as you grinned at him, and he gave you a small smile before waving the only enthusiastic applause from the Slytherin table away. Slughorn was seated at the far corner of the table, and you distinctly recalled that he looked much more youthful and fit when he taught you at Hogwarts, but you quickly dismissed it and turned back to Severus anyway. 

He was the first to speak to you when Dumbledore finished his speech, though. "Slughorn hasn't spoken to the both of us on this table yet, and we are the only remaining ones. Prepare yourself, you would be a very interesting jewel to add to his collection."

The mention of the word jewel made you falter, but you hid it in front of the man. "At least I finally will have a partner that won't leave me by the end of the year, Severus. I should be thankful enough for that."

He sneered, and returned to looking at the crowd as you held his hand briefly.

2nd September 1996

The first-years that year were particularly small, you noticed. As you walked into your second class of the day with them, you realised that the sixth-years that you had just taught were nowhere near that small when you first saw them. They were all staring at you with wide, fascinated eyes, and you suppressed a grin as you thought about how innocent, how adorable they were then. _Maybe children weren't so bad at all._

"Good afternoon," You announced, writing your name across the board. "I am Professor Snape, and I will be your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. First things first—"

Before you could finish your sentence, several hands had already shot into the air, and you raised your eyebrows in concern. _Had I said anything wrong?_ You pointed to one of the students, and she stood. "But the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws just had class with a Professor Snape, and he was a man! He taught Defence Against the Dark Arts too!"

 _Right._ You forgot. "Yes, I am...the other Professor Snape." 

"Are you his sister?" 

"Are you better than he is? He was horrible! He took away points just for looking away from him!"

"He's very scary, that man!"

Soon enough, nearly the whole class had started to raise their hands and bombard you with questions, and you had to take a step back to relinquish control. "Alright! Alright, settle down, please. Let me explain this to you. I am...his wife, and—"

"His wife?!" A flurry of shocked gasps and jeers rang out as the thought of _that_ Professor Snape having a wife was tossed around, and you tapped your wand loudly against the desk to gather their attention again. 

"—And, I would appreciate it if you respected him too. We will both be teaching this subject, so you are free to approach either of us should you have queries. Just ask for Professor Snape in the staffroom when you do, and either of us will come out and help you."

But it had become clear, that at the end of the day, practically _nobody_ favoured Severus more than they favoured you, because he had pretty much terrified every other student then. Word of the two Professor Snapes had also travelled around fast in the castle, and there was a unanimous agreement that _you_ were the better option to turn to should they need help. Severus was quite amused by this.

"Ah, just the two I have been looking for, the Snapes!" A voice called out as you and Severus were about to enter your office that night to begin marking, and the tumbling figure of Slughorn appeared in your view. Severus leaned in and whispered a _I told you so,_ before he sneered once more and allowed for the man to catch up. 

"Professor Slughorn, it's a pleasure to finally meet you." You extended your hand towards him, and he gratefully took it with both of his as he shook it firmly, while looking you up and down the whole way through.

"You look just like your mother now, (y/n)! Yes, I remember you, daughter of the two best Aurors I knew!" But Slughorn corrected himself. "Well, I _thought_ I knew. They did become...never mind. But _you,_ you have made something out of yourself too, haven't you, girl? I noticed your talent for Quidditch from day one, I knew that you would make it professional! And what do you know, I was right! If only I had had the opportunity to be around you for longer, I would've been able to get you into the best teams of the year, yes I am sure, I would have—"

"I think the Falcons were an excellent team, Professor. I was very happy there, but unfortunately, I'm not with them now, aren't I?" You interjected, your smile growing more and more tight-lipped. "I have moved on from my Quidditch career, and Hogwarts is my home now."

You could tell Slughorn was caught off guard. "Y-Yes, of course. Well, it is a pleasure knowing you anyway, (y/n). You and Severus were particularly talented students, and I am very happy for you. Please don't hesitate to come into my office anytime for tea, my dear, I would love to do some catching up with you." 

And with that, he left, albeit a little less than pleased from your reaction to what he presumed was a very honorary greeting from him. You grinned towards Severus, but he only shook his head at you as he ushered you inside, immediately locking lips with you once the door was shut.

7th September 1996

When you entered Dumbledore’s office that night, as per his request, you remembered being a little surprised when Harry strolled out right as you held onto the door handle. He looked a little shaken, but you paid him no mind as Dumbledore extended his hand then, and you immediately noticed the blackened, charred state of it that you had not noticed for the past week. 

You took your seat across from him, and he quickly pulled down his sleeve when he caught your gaze upon it. Fawkes was stirring behind you, and Dumbledore smiled when you turned briefly to look at her. "He enjoys your company."

"He is very beautiful," you pointed out. 

"Yes, he is," Dumbledore agreed, pouring a small cup of tea for you. "And yet I wonder, would such beauty terrify you, (y/n)?"

"I don't exactly know what you mean, Headmaster."

He shrugged. "I was just thinking...should something happen to me—"

"Nothing's going to happen to you." You whipped your head back to him, but he raised his hand to stop you. 

"—As I was saying, should something happen to me, and let's be realistic, my girl, something will, I would want Fawkes to be under the ownership of someone I trust."

"Hagrid would be the perfect caretaker for him," you said, then reaching out to stroke the bird. "Not anyone else."

"But Hagrid has had a lot on his plate these days, hasn't he? It would be good if I let Fawkes off with someone I trust, and someone _he_ trusts. You grew up with him, he knows you well."

You shifted in your seat, looking straight at him. "Why are you suddenly suggesting this, Dumbledore? Fawkes can very well take care of himself if he needs to. He doesn't need me, if that's what you are implying."

"But my dear, I am not putting him under your care for his sake. I am putting him under your care, _to look out for you._ You take care of everyone around you so well, I think it would only be fair if you had someone looking out for you too, even in the darkest times. Someone loyal to you, forever."

"I have Severus for that," You scrunched your eyebrows. "And I already have an owl of my own." 

But Dumbledore always enjoyed speaking in codes, you knew. He never got straight to the point, he never wanted to flat-out give you the answer you were looking for. _What good is it going to do, not letting you figure out your own correct answers?_ You remembered him saying to you constantly, when you were growing up. He got up, and stared at the Headmasters pretending to be asleep on his walls. You watched him for a moment, knowing he was deliberating on how best to approach the subject of whatever he wanted to speak of with you. 

"In the end, it is your choice, my girl. But I have put him down as yours in my will, and he will belong to you should..."

"...Should anything happen to you. But nothing will happen to you, right?" You answered, trying hard not to cast a glance down to his hand again. Dumbledore only gave you a sorry smile.


	6. Sharing You

10th September 1996

There was a distinct stench of death in the air when you stepped into the huge manor that your father favoured very much that day. It was quite similar in size to Lucius and Narcissa's home, but the overly large space and the frighteningly tall ceilings never appealed to you as much as your other homes. There was just something that made the loneliness you faced all those years alone worse when you thought of how empty a house made to house many more people was. So to see it converted to yet another headquarters for the Death Eaters and The Dark Lord, it seemed oddly suitable in your head. 

Still, it did not help when your feet began carrying you across the marble floor, trying to find any sign of which unfortunate soul had just been murdered in that house. You had a meeting with the other Death Eaters in half an hour, but you had chosen to show up a little earlier to save you the trouble of having to interact too much with them should you arrive at the same time. But right then, as you opened room after room in the manor, trying to find the body, it became apparent that you wished for even the company of them to make you feel just a little bit better. 

You should have been desensitised to dead bodies by then, you knew. You should not have been affected, or even scared, of bodies showing up everywhere and having to clean them up to ensure that The Dark Lord's tracks had been covered; so you knew you had to berate yourself when you finally got to the room adjacent to your father's private study, and still caught your hands slipping off of the door handle when you saw a lifeless figure on the ground. _Except, that lifeless figure was a child._

Dropping to your knees beside the girl, you realised that you should not have been taking a sigh of relief at the fact that she was not someone you knew, but as you stared longer and longer at her cold, brown eyes, devoid of a life that a child like her should have been happily living, you felt your resolve growing weaker and weaker. She looked no older than six. Her mouth had been open in shock, and you assumed that a scream had been the final sound that tore from her before the green jet of light hit her, while her hands were outstretched, one of them clutching onto a small teddy bear. The scene was so heartbreaking, so gut-wrenching, that you had to physically hold back the tears that were starting to well in your eyes. _No child deserves to die like this. She did not deserve to die like this._

However, right as you closed her eyes for her and moved over to flip her on her back, a sharp, terrifying cry rang out into the air. It was unbelievably close to where you were, and you immediately got up and whipped out your wand with the newfound knowledge that you were not alone. You stepped away from the girl, and as another cry tore through the air, you realised that it came from right outside the hallway, near the library. 

It was Bellatrix. Bellatrix was right in front of the fireplace, two rooms away from the main sitting room, and she had knocked over a large bookcase while she sprawled herself out on the floor, holding onto her chest as she cried. You quickly scanned her body for any injuries, and when she had none, you rushed to her side and made your presence known. 

"Bella, what's wrong?" There was a broken photograph frame not far away from her, and you tried hard to ignore the happy faces of you and your parents behind its shattered glass shards. "What happened to you?"

In response, she suddenly threw her arms around you, holding onto you for dear life. "All I do, everything I do, is _for him!_ I kill for him, I torture for him, and he never appreciates it! Why—" She began to shake you, "— _little Ravenclaw,_ why, does The Dark Lord not see me for who I am?!"

You did not know what to say to her. You did not know just how to phrase the fact that she was in love with a psychopathic serial killer, whose sole goal in life was to wipe out the world of impurities, and that she probably would never ever earn his affection back, with the right words. You did not have the heart to break it to her that she was just as insane as he was, but she was even more insane for thinking he was even capable of love. So, you only held her closer, as she screamed and yelled in your ears, cursing anything and everything under the sun for why the man she loved did not seem to notice her at all.

Finally, you gained the courage to ask her what you had been meaning to ask her. "Bella, did you kill the little girl in the room? Beside the private study?"

"Her mother refused to cooperate, and I did what I had to do. Beautiful, is she not?" It seemed to distract the woman from her sorrows temporarily, and you nodded reluctantly. 

She held your hands tighter to her chest, and for a brief moment, the thought of ripping them away and getting as far away from the murderer you had your arms around swept through your mind. But you were so fearful of what she would do then, that you stayed. You stayed until her cries of anguish slowly died out, until they became a maniacal laughter once again, until she physically started shaking as her chortles returned. The normal Bellatrix was back, and what you had just seen was perhaps the most raw, vulnerable, she had ever been. You wondered if anyone else had ever seen her in that way. 

"Whatever!" She exclaimed. "I will still remain faithful to him, but if he does not see me for who I am, who is to say I cannot have my own fun, right, Ravenclaw?"

"Right."

And then she turned to you, and as her eyes bore into yours, you felt your skin crawl at the intensity in which she was staring at you with. "You are a very good friend to me, you know?"

"I—" You had a brief inkling on where this was going to go, and the sense to _escape_ right then and there amplified in your head. "—I don't—"

"And you are very pretty." The woman began caressing the side of your face, past the tiny scar on your jaw, and upwards to your lips. Her pupils dilated as you made eye contact with her again, and you knew you had to get away. You slowly let go of her, but right as you were beginning to stand, a thought passed your mind, but you shook it away just as quickly. _No, it is immoral and wrong. I am not doing that to her, no matter what._

"We should clean this up, Bellatrix. The rest will be here any minute." You wiped the tear streaked cheeks in front of you, and extended a hand to help her up. However, right as her hand enclosed around yours and you pulled, the woman was suddenly _all too close_ to you, and you realised that you had been backed up into a wall between her body. 

"Is Severus treating you right? Or is he ignoring you just as my Dark Lord has ignored me, Ravenclaw? You are holding onto blind faith that that man is the right one for you, aren't you?" She pressed, and her breath was so close to you then that you fought off the urge to shut your eyes and recoil. 

"Severus _is_ the right one for me, Bellatrix. I don't know what you are implying at—"

"But we would look good together, are you not denying that?" When you failed to answer, her hands flew over your own. "He doesn't have to know."

 _No. I am not doing this._ "Bellatrix, I'm not...I don't... _Severus doesn't like to share."_

"Oh, but you never said no." 

"It doesn't mean that I said yes." 

Your heart pounding, you suddenly could not have felt more grateful than when the door clicked open softly, and in strolled Narcissa, of all people. She took a moment to realise the compromising position that the both of you were in, but before she could walk right out and assume things of her own, you slipped out from Bellatrix's grip and walked straight up to her. There was a loud groan from the woman you had just walked away from, and you shot Narcissa a look, beckoning her outside. 

"It's not what it looks like," you said, placing heavy emphasis that the woman should not repeat what she saw to your husband. 

"Listen, I have known Bellatrix for far longer than you have, (y/n), and I know that my sister can be...something." The woman made a move to evade you, but you held her firm. 

"Severus doesn't know, and Severus will not know. Do you understand?"

"What you do with other people, men or women, (y/n), it is not up to—"

"You don't understand," You pushed. "Severus does not take too kindly to these kind of things, he will freak out. And I cannot have him _freak out_ , Narcissa. Once he does, I don't know how long it will take to get him back again."

"I don't see how anyone would not freak out about this," she calmly said. 

You huffed, swallowing a round of insults down your throat. You needed a different approach. "Should he know...and he freaks out, Narcissa, he will be putting your Vow at risk. He will be putting _your Draco_ at risk."

That got her attention. As she sent you a glare and stalked off then, quite haughtily, you knew that you had gotten to her, and that she would not be spilling your secrets any soon. It gave you a small comfort, beside the fact that you then had a very real, very big problem on your hands. You had a solution to that problem, and what you could gain from it, but you caught yourself from thinking about it again as you walked to the meeting room. You were not taking advantage of Bellatrix Lestrange like that.

When you got back to Hogwarts later that day, you were surprised to see that Severus was furiously scribbling down on pieces of parchment in your shared office, all while the dinner celebrations downstairs rang softly throughout the room. He gave one look at you, before returning to his work as you hung up your coat and approached him.

"Why aren't you at dinner?" You asked, settling yourself down in his comfort. He welcomed you on his lap and held you close as he kissed your cheek. "Are you not hungry, Sev?"

He gave a sort of strangled, dismissive sound, before the scratching of his quill returned. "Busy."

But you knew better. Reaching out to softly press your fingers against his temple, you knew by his flinch that he was unwell. "Are you having headaches?"

Severus attempted to shove your hand away, not wanting you to worry, but you stopped him from doing his work altogether and forced him to look at you. "Maybe. A little."

"Sev," You drawled, and he shut his eyes as another wave of dizziness washed over him. "You're ill. How long have you been ill?" 

"I swear, it's just a small cold. It will be over and done with by tomorrow morning. I'm fine." Though, he was anything but fine, as you helped him stand then, and by the way his feet staggered and how the room swam before him, even he knew that this time, he was really not feeling all too well. You wrapped your arms around him, and led him to the armchair as you lit the fireplace. 

"I'm fine, I really am. Just a little stressed, is all," He tried to reason. "Now, I need to get back to my work, my love, or I will never finish those before—"

"Severus Snape," You cut him off, already putting back your cloak to prepare to head down to the kitchens. "You stay right there, and if I come back and you have returned to your marking, I will make sure that you do not attend classes for a week. I will force you to stay in bed, and the both of us do not want that, do we?"

Severus frowned, but you continued. He realised you were mad at him, and you had just launched into another one of your rants again. "I know that you are busy, we are all busy, but we take care of ourselves too, Severus! The past few days that I have been gone, I have requested for updates from Dumbledore, and he tells me that the best you show up for is one meal a day! What is wrong with you?! You are already putting so much of yourself at risk, your dodgy eating habits are just making the strain on your health even worse! And I know that you love those small little packets of raspberry sweets a lot, but they cannot be all that you eat when you bury yourself in so much work that you forget to eat! I love you, so so much, but you cannot keep doing this to yourself, Sev. You are worrying me with your eating habits."

He mumbled something, and you strained your ears to catch whatever he just said. "Feeling ill is normal, I've gotten used to it. Why would it matter if I'm sick or not, anyway? There are things that need to be done, things that are more important than I am."

You lost it. "So what? You'll continue to suffer like this until you drop, until you just _faint_ in class one day, Severus?! Until I have to be called down to the infirmary, scared out of my wits, because you had deprived yourself of so much that you had passed out and Madam Pomfrey had to force-feed you potions to make sure that you were not malnourished? How do you think that would make me feel?! You—you—"

You had taken the nearest object in your line of vision, which just so happened to be your coat, and threw it straight at him in anger. Tears were brimming in your eyes then, with how frustrated you were, and Severus caught your coat just in time before you started yelling again. "Has it never occured to you that you are the most important thing to me?! That it kills me and pains me to see you go through this? You talk about how you don't matter all the time, Severus, about how unimportant you are to the cause we are searching, but have you ever stopped and thought of how important you are to _me?_ Am I supposed to just watch you kill yourself through all of this, while I feel like the worst person in the world for not taking care of you? So many times, we've had this argument, and you still refuse to listen! If you want to kill yourself through your manners right now, fine, just do it! But you are killing me too, by doing this, don't you know? Can't you give my poor heart a break by letting me take care of you and not worry for you so much when I am called away?"

Before the man could respond, however, you had already stormed out of the room, straight to the kitchens to pick up a bowl of piping hot stew for him, and then to the infirmary to get a Healing Potion from Madam Pomfrey. When you returned, you knew that Severus was still slightly afraid of speaking to you again, after your outburst, and he silently complied as you sat on his lap a little too angrily, and began shoving the food into his mouth. You continued ranting all the way while he smiled internally, and halfway through the meal, as his head suddenly felt a little better and his stomach a little happier, he dared to put his arms around you again. You did not recoil. 

_I love you,_ he said in his head, and with the way you were looking at him, he knew that you heard. 

"I love you too," you grumbled, and he smiled for real this time, nuzzling his face into you as you brought up the potion. "But not so much when you make me worry."

"I promise, I won't worry you so much from now on, alright? I'm already feeling better."

"You better be. I am still very angry at you, you know? Admitting to something as obvious as me loving you too will not get you off the hook, Snape." 

You calling him by his last name only made him grin, and he caught you fighting off the urge to break the annoyed facade you still had on. "Of course, Snape."

Then, after a while of you stroking his hair and trying to lull him to sleep even after you repeatedly claimed that _you were still very angry at him,_ Severus spoke up again. "I really do love you so much, you know? You are the most important thing in this world to me, and I cannot fathom ever losing you again. Just me and you, no one else, forever."

Severus failed to catch the way your hands faltered for just that split-second, the way your facade broke, before you pushed the thoughts of the earlier events of the day out of your head. "Me too, Severus. Me too."


	7. The Necklace

14th September 1996

You were interrupted from your thoughts when a soft knock sounded from behind the office door, and you wordlessly opened it to reveal Harry, looking like he would much rather be anywhere else. You gave him a quizzical look, when he frowned and said, "Professor Snape's asked me to meet him here, for detention."

"Didn't you already go last week, Harry?" You invited him in, and he took the seat across from yours. 

"I was...busy last week," The boy took the opportunity to look around the new office, marvelling at at the sight of the Quidditch trophies you had just polished and placed against the wall again. Then, he leaned in and confided in you something. "I was invited to Professor Slughorn's party tonight, but he wouldn't let me go until I've served. I really wanted to go, Professor."

You held back a smile. "So I've heard. I was invited too, Harry, but here we both are, aren't we?"

"He hasn't prohibited you from deciding when and where you are allowed to go, hasn't he? That is—"

"He hasn't, my boy," You chuckled, shaking your head. "He's just been called away to a meeting, actually, and while I would love to let you go to Professor Slughorn's party, I do have to stand in for him and make you serve your detention. He won't be too happy with me either if I let you go." 

Harry made a move to protest, but you stopped him, waving your wand to bring over a stack of parchments to the table. "But, he won't have to know that I have modified his punishment. You see, I find Flobberworms quite frankly, disgusting, and I would much rather you not dirty our office, Harry. Why don't you run back to your dormitory for a minute and grab your homework, you can do them as part of today's detention instead. It will save you a lot of time, and I will be here to help should you have any queries."

The boy sighed in relief, and the corners of his lips turned as he nodded and proceeded to dash out of the office for a moment. You watched him leave then, and you thought about getting back to the essays you had been marking, but your mind inevitably drifted elsewhere again. You had been thinking about it for the past few days, really, the thought of having to face Bellatrix again and what she would do to you consuming all that was in your head. What were you supposed to say or do to make things better? You were losing your upper hand on her, and you knew if she tried to confront you about it again, your facade would crumble right in front of her. _The only option left is to do what I didn't want to do. The only option left is incredibly risky, but if I pull it off, everything will be made so much easier._ You sighed loudly, throwing your head back in frustration as you mulled over your options again, and why you had been treating the woman so kindly to lead her to something you were not even sure you wanted to start.

When Harry began on his Potions homework later that day, you decided to take a little break from marking to stretch your legs, and you walked around the office for a while. The boy was buried in his own work, while you stared out of the window then, thinking and thinking about anything and everything except for the solution to the biggest problem on your hands. _I can do it, I know I can, but I don't know if she will find out. And if she does..._

"Professor, how do I do this question?" 

_Would taking this risk be the worst decision in the world? But if I do succeed, I know that I will be thanking myself for this for eternity._

"Professor?"

_I don't have anyone I can even tell this to. I never do, actually._

"Professor!" Harry exclaimed, and you jumped in shock as you faced him again. "Are you alright?"

"Y-Yes, I'm sorry. What is it that you need again?" You shook yourself from your stupor, and approached him. He shut his book hurriedly then, apparently very keen to shield it from you, but you paid him no mind, your own mind somewhere else. 

"What were you thinking about?" Harry prodded, before he put the rest of his books away. "You have that face."

"What face?" You raised an eyebrow. 

"The thinking face. Hermione always has it on when she's solving a particularly difficult problem, and most times, it makes her so frustrated that it scares Ron and I. You won't blow up like she does, won't you?"

You could not find it in you to laugh, as you stared at him for a moment. Then, it almost felt like your resolve was breaking, almost. _No, I am not sharing my problems with Harry Potter, of all people. I am not putting him through more things than he is going through right now._ "No, I won't. Let's get back to work, shall we?"

12th October 1996

In the weeks after that faithful encounter with Bellatrix, you could count yourself lucky that you had not had the chance to interact with her further in your subsequent missions. Brief glances and exchanges of small conversation were all that happened as you passed her in the manor, and even in those periods, she had been stuck to The Dark Lord's arm like an irritating pest, hoping that it would somehow make you jealous. It never did. 

As you watched the snow begin to settle onto Hogwarts again, covering the ground in fleets of white, you were reminded once more of what you had set your heart out to do a while ago, and the thought of it made you draw a shaky breath. Severus was beside you, reading a book on his favourite armchair in the room, enjoying a comfortable Saturday afternoon. It was rare that the both of you were free during the weekends to be with each other, and he was making use of every second of it with you this time. However, you suddenly remembered that you needed to pick up a list of ingredients from the Potions classroom for your next lesson with the second-years, and you reluctantly got up and left the room for a while. 

"Professor Slughorn!" The man had just returned from Hogsmeade, it looked like, with a large bag of crystallised pineapple from Honeydukes in his hands. "Do you have a minute?"

"For my star Quidditch player, yes!" He gloated, turning to you in the hallway. "I must say, (y/n), I have been very kind to open my office door to you every night for tea, but you have never once taken the liberty to visit me. You can take the player from the game, but you can never take the attitude away, can you?"

Your cheeks glowed red, but you chose to ignore his jab. "R-Right, I'm sorry Professor. I have been incredibly busy, you see. In fact, I just came down to ask you if you have any spare Murtlap tentacles? I want to teach the second-years of some cures and healing ingredients."

"Ah, never following the textbook, are we? I never recalled anti-venoms and cures to be part of the Defence Against the Dark Arts syllabus." Slughorn raised his eyebrows, amused. 

"You know me, Professor. Always making things up as I go, I much rather prefer relying on myself for these things," you politely said, as he began walking down the hallway leading to the dungeons. 

"Yes, as every other brilliant student of mine always does, my girl. You do remind me a lot of Severus, you know? He too loved the challenge of making his own spells and potions, I remember his old Potions textbook was scrawled in all kinds of annotations when he was younger. Never one to follow the system." 

You smiled, nodding along at him to pacify him as you followed. Slughorn then opened his bag of crystallised pineapple and began munching on it as he walked, pausing at certain points to offer you some. You declined. He continued walking then, completely unaffected, while you glided along behind him. And it seemed like a perfectly normal Saturday, really, it seemed like nothing could go wrong when you retrieved your ingredients from him and when you began the walk upstairs to your office once more. Until everything did go wrong.

As you stepped into the comfort of your shared office once more, the sight that greeted you made you immediately lock the door behind you. Severus was hunched over a small bundle wrapped in paper packaging, but the stone that gleaned so shiny could fool no one what it was. Approaching him, Severus finally took notice of your entrance and stepped aside to let you see the necklace, warning you not to touch it.

"I know what this is," you said breathlessly, bending down for a closer look. The opal, a beautiful bluish-hue, shone under the sunlight, while the string that connected it along only made the stones stand out even more. It was dazzling, even to the untrained eye, and you finally saw the appeal it had to be able to kill the nineteen Muggles it had killed before. "My mother has one like this, kept and locked in her private collection at our manor. It was not cursed, of course, but the make and design is similar."

Severus looked at you, before he took out his wand. "A student touched this, (y/n), and I fear that had that accident not happened, someone could have died today."

You watched as he pulled you aside for a minute, before closing his eyes and with a rather complicated set of spell work, begin the lifting of the cursed enchantments out of it. He was focused all throughout, while you saw the emerald green enchantments that screamed and cried out as they were dragged out of their inhabitant, stopping the curse from possibly hurting anybody else. Severus was truly remarkable with his spell work. Then, a thought struck you. 

"Are you calling this a murder weapon, Severus?"

The man appeared torn about something for a while, as if he was debating on what to tell you, before he nodded. "Someone tried to kill someone else today, in this castle. And with the brash and slipshod way that they are attempting to do so—"

"—It would have to be a student," You finished. Severus agreed. "It would have to be a student that would use a method that is so not meticulous, so careless. But who...?"

Severus sighed. He knew the answer, but he could never tell you. "Your guess would be as good as mine, and until Dumbledore returns, we would have no means of catching the culprit. I will speak to him once again when he does, don't you worry about this, my love."

He then wrapped the necklace back in it's paper packaging, before carefully transporting it to a display box on the top of your bookshelf, away from any student's reach. It looked like any other ordinary piece of jewellery you would own then, and it would not cause any suspicions to rise, but there was just something that was still off about the way the man before you acted, the way he hesitated at some points. You knew Severus too well to know that he was hiding some truths from you, but you had learned not to ask until he was ready to tell you so. It was the safer option for the both of you, you knew. But as you stared back at your reflection on the opal of the necklace, it's beauty and grace begging for you to reach out to it, you could not feel any less than assured that you need not worry.

21st October 1996

When you were the kind of witch that your mother was, you wondered if jewellery even made a difference on her beauty and appearance. How could you put a locket on perfection and expect it to be even more beautiful than it was? Apparently, you could, on her. As you stood in the extravagant dressing room that she owned, her dresses and accessories surrounding you while you stared at your reflection on her own opal necklace, it made you wince when you remembered everyone always mentioning that you looked exactly like her. _No, I don't. I look nothing like her._ She had displayed her strikingly similar necklace to the one Severus collected previously, and it looked every bit as beautiful as the cursed one. You wondered if she had put a curse on it too, and whether that curse had fallen on you instead. 

"I've been looking for you." A scratchy voice interrupted you, and you sucked in a breath when you saw Bellatrix's reflection in the necklace. She had shut and locked the door behind her, and you internally panicked, even when you turned as calmly as you could towards her. 

"I've been busy."

"Busy enough to be staring at your mother's possessions, perhaps?" She pushed, and you stepped back. 

"I haven't seen her, since the battle at the Ministry," you replied, watching as she came closer. Her breath grew hot against your skin, and it sent strikes of terror through your heart. 

"Do you miss her?" 

You looked at her, deliberating whether or not she deserved to know. She did not. "No."

Bellatrix grinned, showing off the smile that she rarely showed off to anyone else, and her hands went to the sides of your head. For a moment, you thought that she was going to pin you against the wall again, only this time, you had no escape route, and you seriously thought about hexing her before you left. But she was only reaching behind you, towards the opal necklace, and you did not know if you felt better or worse as she held it in her hands, watching the delicate stone glean in the bright lights of the room. It reflected on her face perfectly, as she studied it for a minute before looking up at you again. 

Then, swiftly, she pulled back your robes, and your hand flew to your wand. But she had expected this, and giggled as she held it up, squeezing it tightly in hers as the other one pulled down on your shirt to reveal Severus' own locket that you had been wearing. Her eyes glowed as she saw it on your skin, and your blood ran cold when she carefully traced it out with her fingers, her sharp nails scratching against your skin as she tauntingly made you shiver. 

"Bellatrix—”

"Why yearn for the opal, when you already have a very pretty locket right here? You are every bit as beautiful as she was, and more, you know," Bellatrix opened the locket, and you watched as her grin fell slightly when she saw the photograph of you and Severus inside. She clearly had not expected that, as she shut it back forcefully. "I have watched this thing hang onto your pretty little neck for so long, Ravenclaw." 

You could tell the woman had been caught off-guard with what she discovered inside, as she then let go of your other arm, deeming you no longer a threat. It dropped by your side, watching as she took a step back, as if betrayed. _I don't know what she was expecting. Was it not obvious that I only belonged to him?_

But then it hit you. _This is my chance._ This was the chance that presented itself, the chance that you had wanted for weeks. In order to save Severus, save Harry, as well as the Order, getting her favour and in turn, The Dark Lord's, was the only way. And you needed to make use of it right then and there, while she was vulnerable, while she was at your mercy. 

"Bella..." You approached her, encouraging her to look at you again. When she did, her eyes angry, you carefully reached behind your neck, and finding the clasp of the locket, you deliberately unclasped it and allowed it to fall into your hands as you pulled it away from your neck slowly. Her eyes never left it, even as you carefully placed it in the pocket of your robes, even as you let her meet your eyes again. She raked her eyes over you, a smile cracking out as she looked at your bare neck then. 

You held your breath. "In this moment, it is just you and me. In this moment, Severus Snape does not exist."


	8. Fragile Little Teacup

21st October 1996

The woman before you had her eyes glazed, as she came closer and closer to you. Her mouth grinning and her teeth bared, you felt yourself breathe in sharply when her hand landed on yours, pulling you in to whisper in your ear. 

"The Dark Lord's told me everything about you, you know."

"The Dark Lord does not know anything about me, not in the way you do," you replied, looking her in the eye. 

She chuckled. "But he is never wrong, you see. He never needed much to put you under his Imperius Curse, when you were already drawn to the Dark Arts yourself. Going against your nature, fervently refusing to become like your parents, it can be deliciously alluring, can it?"

You raised your eyebrows, already feeling that whatever you had planned was not coming together at all, but allowed her to continue. She responded by looking over the opal necklace in her hands again, before smiling to herself and moving behind you to put it on your own neck. The stones felt cold against your heated flesh. "Bella—" 

"When you killed that man on the shores of Azkaban, in front of me, in front of all of us, did it feel good? Watching as his life spilled out in front of you, did you feel terror or relief that it had not been you on the other side of that wand?"

"Terror. I felt horrible, and his death haunts me in my dreams every single night, Bellatrix." 

"LIES!" The woman screamed, gripping onto your shoulders then. "The Dark Lord does not see you, know you like I do. He says you are a waste of time, ready to be disposed of whenever he deems fit, but he does not see your value and worth, _Ravenclaw_. He does not see the potential you have, and what you are able to do for us. Do you really want yourself to be thought of so lowly like that? Do you want to die a dishonourable death in his hands, and not in battle with Dumbledore?"

 _Disposable._ You had known of yourself as such for a while now, but to hear it coming from one of his most trusted followers' mouth, it stung a different kind of pain. You wondered if you were thought of in the same manner as with the Order. "I don't see myself as a killer." 

"But you have become one, when you decided to take his life that day."

"I was under the Imperius Curse."

"Were you?" Bellatrix asked. It seemed as if she already knew the answer, or rather, as if she had already made her mind up on it. It made you falter, it made the answer in your own head disappear as you watched her knowing smirk, before she came the closest she could come to you, her face inches from yours. Her hot breath against your lips, you fought off the urge to push her off then, as she then batted her eyelashes and pressed a small kiss at the corner of your lips. It was fleeting, it was soft, but the horror settled in all the same.

"The Dark Lord sees you as a fragile little teacup, my Ravenclaw," The woman continued. "Occasionally, I drop a teacup to shatter on the floor when I remember how he regards you as such. And yet...I'm not satisfied when it doesn't gather itself up again. Someday perhaps, a cup will come together. Hopefully."

You then realised that what you had set out to do was not as easy as you thought. 

22nd October 1996

The air was unbelievably cold, biting, as you stepped out of the Muggle taxi across a row of old, dilapidated houses. The neighbourhood was rather empty, with many windows broken in and lawns that looked like they had not been taken care of in ages. Even the atmosphere was dark and gloomy, and it inevitably reminded you of Spinner's End. Bellatrix got off from the other side of the car, cursing repeatedly at your suggestion to use Muggle transportation to not attract too much attention. 

"Incredibly sick, that ride was, how do Muggles and _Mudbloods_ stand to be in them?" She screeched, but you ignored her, as you finally laid your eyes on the last house in the street, with its lawn perfectly mowed, and strangely, its lights turned on. They were very dim, and anyone who did not look hard enough could definitely mistake it for uninhabited as well, but it did not fool you. It was the one you had been looking for. 

"There, at the end." You pointed, and began walking towards it. Your heart was pounding in your chest at what you were about to do, and who you were about to do it with, but as with all other missions assigned by The Dark Lord, you had no choice. And working in a partnership with Bellatrix did guarantee you success, but you never believed you needed anyone more powerful to help you in your missions. _I trust myself, and that is enough._

The woman followed closely behind, hot on your heels as you walked even faster and finally ended up at the doorstep of the Muggle family home. On the mailbox that you passed, the familiar scrawled name of the _Abbott_ family name confirmed that you had found who you needed to find that night, and you took a deep breath, before turning to Bellatrix.

"You should stay here, stay on guard. The Abbotts know who you are, but they also know who I am. It would be much easier if I tried to lure them out first. I'll call you if I need you." You tried to sound as confident as you could. The woman gave you a raise of her eyebrow, apparently unconvinced, but she reluctantly rolled her eyes and agreed anyway. You knew she was rash, and impulsive, but you also knew that she would not do anything to jeopardise the mission for the one she loved most. 

She disappeared a little further from the house, and you knocked on the door with two sharp raps. There was movement behind the entrance, a shuffling of feet and hushed voices, before an eye appeared before you through the peephole. 

"Who's there?!" A man's voice. 

"Are you Mr. Abbott, sir? I am Hannah's teacher, I come from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," you said politely, putting on a smile. "I have come to visit you about your daughter."

That got the man to fling open the door, and you immediately noticed the sunken look on his face and the protruding bones from his body. He looked famished, and like he had not gotten a wink of sleep in weeks. But still, his face sunk even more, if possible, at the mention of the name _Hannah_. "T-That's me daughter. W-What's happened to her? Merlin, she isn't dead, is she? Dumbledore assured me that Hogwarts—"

"—And Hogwarts is still the safest place for her, sir. I have just come here to discuss some...matters with you. Hannah is perfectly fine at our school," you finished the sentence for him. 

The man gave out a huge sigh of relief, clutching onto his frail chest as he then swept through his ashy grey hair, nodding slowly at himself. He appeared to be assuring his own mind of something, and began rambling to himself again. You frowned. You were running out of time. "If I may, I would like to discuss the matter inside, please. This is a very important issue you see, as I have had to come all the way from Hogwarts itself."

"O-Oh, of course, of course! How rude of me," The man shook himself free from his thoughts as he turned to you again. "Please, come in. Though, I must tell you that the house is currently a little _messy._ My wife hasn't been well for a while, you see, and our daughter has been away for so long that we...you know."

You nodded at him, and moved in as he stepped aside for you to enter. But as you did, you found it difficult not to suddenly take a sharp breath when you examined your surroundings. From the outside, the house looked fine, a little old, perhaps, but it had no broken windows or cracked and chipped tiles. But inside, it looked like the inside of a garbage chute. Stacks and stacks of newspapers were piled to the ceiling next to a tiny fireplace, while bags of giant plastic bags filled to the brim with household items lined every corner of the house as small flies flew all around them. The floor itself was incredibly dirty, and you internally cringed as you found yourself stepping on what appeared to be a very sticky substance as you passed the man. The air was damp and warm inside, a stark contrast from the freezing temperatures outside, and a foul taste left your mouth as you breathed in the distinct stench of sickness. But the worst thing had to be what your eyes seemed to pick up naturally, which was unfortunately, a small bassinet at the corner of the tiny home. It was pink in colour and very old, but as you approached with your hands behind your back, you saw that there was a little girl that looked no older than three on it, looking up towards you with equally wide eyes. _How could anyone raise a child like this? Hannah never told me she had a younger sister._

"Oh yes, that is our little Hailey, you see," The man huddled over to you, showing her off proudly. The girl had dark brown eyes, and she looked very much malnourished too. When he saw that you had only released a tight-lipped smile back at him, he quickly put her down. "W-Would you like some tea, Professor?"

"That would be lovely, thank you," you quipped, and as he ran off to the even smaller kitchen, you made your way over to the bedroom for a moment, and saw a faint figure lying down on a thin mattress on the ground. _The Abbotts were a pure-blood family, how did any of them let it come to this?_ You shut the door as the woman stirred, and returned to the sitting room, where the child had begun to cry. 

The man returned to you a minute later, setting down two steaming cups of tea in chipped mugs, before he attended to her. Picking her up in his arms, he bounced her around for a good thirty seconds or so, cooing and smiling at her until she smiled back at him and giggled again. The scene made your heart tug. Finally, he sat across from you, his hands trembling as he grabbed his own mug and brought it to his lips. 

"What is it you wanted to talk to me about, Professor? Usually Hogwarts teachers don't visit u-us, you know." His words were shaky and he sounded deathly afraid. 

You sighed, staring at the little girl for a moment, and thought about just how difficult this was all going to be. "Mr. Abbott, where were you on the night of the fifteenth of October?"

He seemed confused. "W-What has this got to do with—"

"Were you at the Ministry of Magic, sir?"

"Well, yes. I work there, you see. I'm in Magical Law Enforcement, only just got hired last month." He said rather proudly, before casting a glance towards the bedroom. "The pay has been helping us get by, and with Hannah's mother's medication, Professor."

You followed his eyes to the bedroom, and leaned forward to him. "I understand that. However, your wife hasn't been getting better, has she? Despite all the money you have been pouring into her recovery. She's just getting worse, day by day, isn't she?"

"W-What are you implying?!" He shot to his feet horrified. You realised you should have phrased your words better, but you did not have the luxury of time then. You needed to keep moving. "Professor—"

"I can help you. Help her. Do you know what a Regeneration Potion is, sir?" You stood then, facing him with your hands behind your back once more. 

It took all of a good ten seconds for your words to settle in, before he recoiled and jumped back. He searched desperately for his wand then, throwing the mountain of trash all around him, while you waited patiently. His movements were frantic, and when he finally got ahold of it and pointed it straight at you, you calmly stared back at him as he cried, " _You!_ You are one of _them!"_

"I do not know what you are talking about, Mr. Abbott, but it would do us both a lot of good if you put your wand away and calm down, sir."

"Y-You're trying to get me to join you! The _Death Eaters!_ Never, I say! Over my dead body, miss! How dare you come in here, come into my house and—"

"With all due respect, sir, your wife is dying. You know that as well as I do, and you do want to save the love of your life, do you?" You came closer, and his hand shook as he jabbed the wand under your throat. "We can help you. We are only trying to—"

_"FLIPEN—"_

Before he could finish yelling the spell however, he had suddenly crumpled to the ground underneath your feet, crying loudly. Your vision cleared, and without the obstruction of the frail man in front of you, you finally saw that it was _Bellatrix_ who had appeared, it was her who had stopped him from jinxing you. She had entered the property with her impatience, though right then, you were not sure if it was a curse or blessing in disguise as you watched the man below you scream with the effects of the Cruciatus Curse. 

Then, Bellatrix made a move to raise her wand, and you screamed as you begged for her to stop. _"AVADA KED—"_

"Bella, he has a baby!" She paused momentarily, staring back at you, and as you gestured towards the crying girl heaving at the sight of her father in agony, she faltered. You had no idea the effect you had on her then, as her eyes suddenly widened and she held back. It was your desperation that shocked her, but even as you stepped over the man, as you approached her again, as you pleaded for her to spare the man and allow you to convince him again, she knew she had made a fatal mistake. She should not have been swayed by you, and she berated herself for falling for it. 

It only spurred her on. Giving out one last hysterical cackle, she pointed her wand straight at the man, before yelling the Killing Curse right before you. The green jet of light that blasted from it nearly blinded you, and you knew you stood no chance in stopping her lest you wanted to be hit too. "BELLATRIX!"

"Leave him, Ravenclaw! Leave your pity and sorrows aside, he almost killed you!"

"He did not mean to! He was only going to knock me back—" But as soon as those words left your mouth, Bellatrix had slammed you against the stack of newspapers through the use of her wand, as she clutched it tightly and seethed. 

"Shut up! Shut up and let me do my job! You are soft, but you are not making _me_ soft! You never will!" And with that, she stormed off towards the other room to finish her job, and you winced when a softer, more heart-wrenching cry came from there.

But when she returned to the sitting room, back to her normal composure, Bellatrix found you already standing in front of the bassinet, your own wand drawn. She had never seen you look so sure of yourself. 

"Move aside, Ravenclaw."

"She's just a baby, Bellatrix. She won't remember any of this."

"She might! She might remember, and then who will suffer the consequences of this? You!" Bellatrix screamed, and the child cried louder behind you. In response, you dropped your wand for a moment, and picked her up gingerly. Bellatrix's eyes narrowed as you did so.

"You are not killing her."

"You don't think I will?" She taunted, already moving closer. 

"No."

"And what makes you so sure, Ravenclaw?"

You held the child's face closer to your chest, shielding her from the woman in front of you. She had gripped onto your robes, her cries drowning out any other sound in the room. "Because you are going to have to kill me with her, Bella."


	9. Two Years Ago

22nd October 1996

"Don't be ridiculous, Ravenclaw," Bellatrix warned, her wand dangling precariously close to you. "This is only one child, out of the many we have killed."

But perhaps it had been the little girl's dark brown eyes, or the fact that she looked no older than three, or maybe even with the way that she was holding onto you, a stranger, for dear life and hoping that you would save her, but it reminded you of someone you had lost and how it felt to have lost her then. And maybe that had finally made you decide that you were not going to let the girl die as she died, no matter what. Hailey Abbott was crying in your arms, as you stared back at the figure of Bellatrix Lestrange in front of you, demanding you to hand the girl over. 

"I am not letting her die, Bellatrix."

"You are being unreasonable! What are you going to do with a child like that? If I spared her, what would you possibly do for her?"

You looked down at the girl, then back at her. "Would raising her be so bad? In place of the parents you had killed, in place of the sister you left orphaned too, Bella?"

She gritted her teeth, screaming, "YOU CANNOT RAISE A CHILD! You—You are a _Death Eater,_ Ravenclaw! You have a purpose in this world, you are not spending it by wasting your time on a child! Where are you even going to keep her?! Not at Hogwarts, not at our headquarters, you would be insane to think you can do it!"

But even she knew; despite all her protests and yelling and vehement disagreements with you, that you had made up your mind. Your eyes trained on hers, steady and unwavering, Bellatrix knew that there was something more in you that motivated you to keep the child alive. There was no way in which she could convince you to step away from her no longer. 

Even though she was strongly against the idea of you carrying and bringing a child through Apparition, to the doorsteps of your mother's home, Bellatrix followed you nonetheless and helped you look out for Aurors everywhere. You did not think of it as endearing in the slightest bit; in fact, it was almost quite annoying, her dogged determination of trying to stay by your side. You were fine all by yourself, and the woman did not have to act like the bigger person and stick with the person she deemed needed her more than she needed them. But you said nothing about it, not wanting to rattle her even more and risk losing the child altogether. 

As the door to the uptown London apartment opened then, you could not say that you were surprised when your mother looked worse than ever, evident from the finer lines on her face and the greying of her hair. It seemed as if a husband in prison did her more damage than it did Narcissa Malfoy.

She silently watched as you entered, her eyes raking over your body and then Bellatrix's as you quietly shushed the girl who had just woken up from her nap in your arms. 

It was clear that she did not take the news of adopting a half-blood child of the people Bellatrix just killed in her household too well, you would say. Because as you stood there, pleading with her to see reason, to see that abandoning and killing a child was the worst thing someone could do, she still seemed adamant about not accepting the girl as one of her own. 

"Bellatrix was right," She hissed, watching as you set the girl down on the kitchen counter and rummaging for snacks for her. "You were reckless, to have brought her here! Do you know what—"

"The Dark Lord would not attend to matters as trivial as these, mother." You sighed, slamming the cabinet door and emerging with a packet of biscuits. Unwrapping them and breaking them into smaller pieces, you were careful to feed them to the girl, in case she choked. 

The woman's eyes narrowed, and she clucked her tongue in annoyance as she heard Bellatrix accidentally breaking a flower vase of hers in the sitting room. "I haven't seen you for months, and the first thing you do when we meet again is to present me with a child that you have adopted out of the foolish good of your heart! May I remind you, my girl, that this is not a charity—"

"Have you seriously got no empathy, mother?!" You argued, covering the girl's ears. "Look at her! Look at this poor little girl, left to die because of us! We killed her parents, she doesn't have _anyone,_ and her sister still doesn't know that her whole family is gone!"

"But you cannot be her _everyone_ , my girl. A quick fix for your mistake, you immediately assume the role of her mother when you have just killed her real one. Are you taking her in for her sake, or for your own? Guilt can be a terrible thing, can it?" 

You paused, blinking up at her. It was appalling, what she said, and you knew your glare for her carried far more than words could convey. "Mother..."

"Nevertheless, if you insist on me opening up one room out of my many others to a crying child, I guess I can spare a house-elf for her. But know this, my girl," She leaned in to you so that Bellatrix could not overhear. "You should decide sometime soon if what you are doing is making up for something you have regretted in the past, and how it will affect your future."

1st November 1996

"It seems awfully bold of you, to move from us barely knowing each other to adopting a child together."

"We are not her parents, Bellatrix. And more importantly, _you_ of all people should not be her parent at all."

There was a loud cackle, and the wide eyes in front of you threatened to cry. You held her tighter and rocked her before she could, kissing the crown of her hair softly. "You sure know how to wound, Ravenclaw. A very interesting parent, you would be. Does Severus know?"

A long pause ensued, as you thought over how to answer the woman, before you shook your head slowly. She scoffed. "Your _husband_ doesn't know that you have adopted a three year old child with your mistress? How pathetic."

"You are not my mistress, and Severus wouldn't care about these things. He has more important matters to attend to, Bellatrix. Or have you forgotten that he is now The Dark Lord's—"

"I remember." The woman said bitingly, throwing the small stuffed bear straight at you. You caught it just in time, and continued, "Why would you see yourself as her parent, anyway? You were the one who killed her real ones."

"Because you have made us a family unit, back in their home. This is all your doing, Ravenclaw," she said haughtily, and you clenched your jaw as you tried to ignore the reality of her words. Hailey Abbott was under your care then, and until her older sister was old enough to graduate from Hogwarts and take her as her own, you knew that the little girl was going nowhere from the safety of your mother's home and your care. 

The house-elf in the corner of the room cowered as Bellatrix approached him, and he physically screeched as she snatched the bottle of milk away from him. She shook it violently for a few seconds, before asking you to move the girl's face so she could feed her. It would have been amusing if it had been Severus who had done so, and slightly endearing, but she was not him. And you could only scoff.

"That is not how you feed a child."

She shoved the bottle nearer, but Hailey refused to open her mouth. "Not my fault she isn't cooperating. Here, _Imper—"_

But you had taken the bottle from her, and immediately pushed her away. "No Unforgivable Curses! You are too erratic to be a parent, too careless and reckless." 

"I am trying to be a parent!" She argued, and at her desperation, you fought to not crack a grin at her. She noticed it, and poked your ribs as she laughed too. 

"No, here," You pulled her towards you then, and allowed her to hold the child. "Hold her back like this, and don't let go." 

She followed, and as the girl came into her arms, you carefully stood by her side, still a little doubtful that she would fling the baby halfway across the room once she cried. But she never did. 

And as you left the child's room that day, still reeling with the fact that Bellatrix considered herself as _her parent,_ you could not help but feel that something, something very significant, had shifted.

2nd December 1996

Though, as November bled into December and things around you finally started to settle, you still found it difficult each time you made eye contact with Hannah Abbott in class or in the hallways. It was hard enough knowing both her parents were murdered, but to know that her baby sister had been taken too, most days you fought as hard as you could to not tell her. _No, she shouldn't know now. She needs to remain in school, in Hogwarts, where it is safest. She cannot risk being outside now._ Still, it was incredibly difficult most days. 

Furthermore, Severus had been having bad days. Many bad days, actually. You could tell that whatever he had sworn to Narcissa and both the Order and Dumbledore's missions for him have been taking a toll on him. Most days, it was rare for the both of you to even sleep on the same bed, with how clashing your schedules were. And when you did actually have time together, it was difficult to find anything else to talk about other than the missions you had been tasked to do respectively. It felt like you were dancing around the subject most days. 

He had taken a twitch to his gait. It never bothered you usually, but with it being a clearer indication than ever that he seemed nervous about things, you knew you had to confront him eventually. But even so, you did not know how to approach things, approach him. Until eventually, it manifested in the form of his nightmare. 

It was well over midnight as you settled into bed beside him, completely spent but satisfied from the markings you had finished for the both of you. You figured he needed the break, and you were feeling up to it, so why not? So he went to sleep first, and when you pulled up the covers over your own body, before leaning in to press a kiss against his cheek, you felt him stir. It was not unusual, Severus often stirred and fisted the sheets in his sleep, and most nights, it would only take you bringing him into your arms or holding his hand as tightly as you could to assure him that he was fine, that he had you, before he fell back to a normal sleep again. And so you did, you reached out for his clenched fist, and carefully opening them, you held it in yours and rubbed your thumb over his while softly whispering words of reassurance in his ear. 

Only that it was different this time. His eyes still shut, he suddenly jerked his hand away from yours and his body jolted so freakishly that you blinked in surprise. But you had known this, known him for a while, and you immediately knew what to do. Rolling over until you were on top of him, you slowly held his fists down, and he fought to fling you off and hurt himself. It was a struggle, and you knew he was much stronger than you were, but you hoped dearly that whatever dream it was, it would stop soon enough, because you were not sure when the next wave of his terrors would start and when he would suddenly have the strength to throw you halfway across the room. 

"Sev," you coaxed, "It's me. You're okay, it's not real, Sev. Just a dream."

He made a strangled sort of sound, his forehead lined with beads of perspiration, and you leaned in towards his face. "It's alright, you're alright. Wake up, Sev."

Severus thrashed wildly about for a few more seconds, with one instance nearly bucking you off the bed, but you stayed steady and held him close as you continued praying that his conscious mind would take over soon enough. But then he cried, "No! D-Don't take her!"

You knew when he started to speak, was when you needed to end things. Soon enough, after his speech, he would start to get more violent and physical, and you knew your limitations.

"Severus! Severus, wake up!" You lightly slapped his chest then, but his eyes remained closed. 

"SEVERUS!" You said louder this time, and with a deep inhale and sharp throwing back of his head, his eyes flew open and made contact with yours.

You heaved a sigh of relief, and got off of him. He was still dazed and a little confused, but you were all too glad that he was awake, and allowed him to face you again as he held you. "W-What happened?"

"Another nightmare, Severus. What was it about?" You asked, softly caressing his face. 

The man plunged in his mind for a moment, trying to recall, before everything came back to him and it hit him like a thousand bricks. _Of course, it was her. It was always her._ He took a shaky breath, before replying, "I dreamt about her again. About Alana."

"And...?"

"I dreamt that she had been born, that she was alive and with us, right then. A-And, The Dark Lord was taking her away from us, because I had failed, (y/n). Because he found out."

Severus shook his head, as if trying to rid the thoughts out of his mind altogether, and you frowned as you snuggled closer to him. "You still dream of her?"

"My love, most of my dreams are about her, and you. Most days I dream of losing the both of you, and it...it is the worst thing in the world," Severus whispered. And you waited, really you did, until he realised what he just said, to find the flaw in his sentence, but he never did. He simply moved his hand lower to your back, and parted his hair a little to try to fall asleep again. It astounded you, how oblivious he had been to it.

"Sev."

"Yes?"

"Did you not realise what you just said?"

The man gave you a weird look, before implying that he was tired and trying to shut his eyes again. But you were adamant. "You said most days you dream of losing us, the both of us. Me and Alana."

"Yes, I did. And what is so wrong about that?"

"Sev, we already lost her. _Two years ago."_


	10. Slughorn's Party

8th December 1996

The third-year classroom seemed dispirited, and very much down in the dumps when you stepped foot in it that day. It was odd, because you did not recall failing anyone for the recent quiz, and you were very confident that the homework you had set for them had not been very difficult. So to see the group of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs all murmuring away, gloom expressions on their faces despite your best efforts to engage them in class, it was unnerving you. 

"What is going on with the lot of you?" You asked, raising your arms to your sides. "What's happened?"

More murmurs. You were starting to think that they were talking about you, but as you took a quick look at your own appearance, and then trying to remember if you did anything to them, you could frankly not recall earning such behaviour from them. You huffed, a little frustrated by then, when a Hufflepuff boy shakily raised his hand. You gave a small smile. "Yes, Mr. Cauldwell?" 

"P-Professor, it's just—you see—" He looked like he could not bear to utter one more word without crying, so you slowly leaned against your desk and nodded at him, encouraging him to continue. "—There's been an attack, last night, in the South of London. M-Many of our families live there."

 _Oh._ Your heart dropped, as you cast your eyes downwards then. Another boy continued, "My family's made up of Muggles. I-I'm the first wizard in the family, Professor, and I don't know what to tell them. I don't even know if they're alright now." 

The Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson was taking a quick turn, you knew. What you had expected as a lesson to introduce them to sea creatures, had turned out to be much more dark and sombre, as everyone then began sharing with you their fears and concerns over their family members outside of Hogwarts. It reminded you of the Order as well, and how worried you were over Remus and the others too. But to have family members, terrified out of their wits because of you and your organisation, it must have been a whole other feeling altogether. Merlin knows the guilt you felt then was immeasurable. _They are afraid for their families, and it is all because of me. Because of what I am doing._

And had you spent one more second in that room, listening to the melancholy thoughts and words of the children, while a few of them furiously wiped their own tears in front of their classmates and began holding onto each other, you were sure you were going to break. You needed to get out of there, and so did the children. So thinking fast, you suddenly had an idea to distract them temporarily from the horrors of what they were facing, at least for a while. 

"Alright, alright, I understand your concerns everyone," You said, beginning to pack your things. The children watched you curiously. "And while I know that it is _terrifying,_ the not knowing, the uncertainty of your families' safeties, I don't want you to worry yourselves sick over this. You are safe here at Hogwarts, and the Ministry of Magic are looking out for them, okay?"

"My grandmother says the Ministry are about as effective as Filch's warnings against Fred and George Weasley, Professor!" A Gryffindor cut in, and you smiled sadly. 

"I don't want you to think like that, Nigel. Your family will be fine, and... _Merlin_ the mood around here sure is dark, isn't it? What do you say we head out to the grounds for a while? I think we could all do with a little break, and it is a fantastic day in the snow, children."

You brought them out into the fleeting white blankets of the Hogwarts grounds, fully dressed in their heavy coats and scarves as the snow crunched underneath their boots. They were reluctant at first, with the thought that the _other_ Professor Snape would catch them and send them all to detention, but with your chuckles and encouragement for them to get out in the sun a little, they relented. And you were glad they did, really, because as they basked in the sunlight and slowly stretched their arms out to embrace the cold, you caught a few tear-stricken faces illuminated by its glow and it made your heart squeeze. If you could, you would take away all the pain that these beautiful children did not deserve to be through.

"Right then, how about a little competition between the Houses, everyone? I think a snowball fight would be a good way to get some points up for your Houses!" You said, bending down to gather a little bit of snow in your frozen hands, but before you could get up and initiate the fight officially, a cold ball of frost had landed right on your left arm, before a burst of giggles erupted. You looked up, and saw that it had been the Gryffindors who had hit you. 

"Just for that, _Jimmy Peakes,_ I am joining the Hufflepuffs," you warned, and he groaned as you marched over to the yellow side and were greeted with roars and cheers of applause.

By the end of the lesson, you were relieved, as you looked all around you and marvelled at the sight of the children. Many of them were laughing their hearts out, tumbling on the snowy grounds as they wrestled each other, while some had snow on their faces and were grinning from ear to ear about it with their friends, and with the group that particularly enjoyed the snowball fights, you were happy to see that with you, they seemed more content and that they had forgotten about their troubles and horrors of the real world, at least for a while. Seeing the children getting to be _children,_ it was the most bittersweet feeling in the world. 

You were laughing with the Hufflepuffs, laying down on the ground and preparing to get them to leave for their next class, but as the laughter slowly died out and the students dispersed, you noticed a particular figure in the distance, studying you. When he deemed that you were alone enough, he approached, and you made it out to be Slughorn. 

"Professor Slughorn," you greeted, getting up and dusting your knees from the snow. 

He looked around at the children, before smiling at you. "It really does seem like you know exactly what to do with the children. Had I not known you were a Quidditch player, (y/n), I would say you have a natural gift for teaching."

"Yes, it is quite baffling when I remembered not even liking children before I came to Hogwarts as well, Professor."

Slughorn nodded, before beginning to walk back to the castle with you. "I wanted to speak to you, actually, my dear. Do you happen to be free on the twentieth? I am hosting a Christmas party in my office, and I reckon the Hollyhead Harpies will be making special appearances there. You know, in case you wanted to—"

"With all due respect, Professor Slughorn, I am no longer interested in professional Quidditch," you stopped, staring straight at him. "I have retired, resigned, whatever it is, and I have found my home in teaching and in Hogwarts now. Thank you, really, for thinking of me, but there is no chance that I am leaving this school for Quidditch again."

The man gave you a tight-lipped smile, his hands behind his back as he nodded again, as if proving himself right. "As I have predicted. But nevertheless, the party will be extravagant, and there will be some people I am sure you would love to meet. Will you still be coming, regardless of my proposition?"

"Severus and I will see, Professor." And with that, you disappeared behind a hallway from him in the next second, once again leaving Slughorn alone, and a little disappointed.

20th December 1996

You sat on the bed in your quarters, smiling softly as you watched the man you loved most in the world fumble with his tie, and you chided yourself when you still found him adorable despite it all. 

He cursed, swinging the silk around. "Why—Why does this not go the way I want it to?! It's either the shape is not perfect, or the length is too short, and then I—"

Severus yelled then, and threw his hands up in defeat. At this, you chuckled and went to him, before meticulously and swiftly tying the tie in two quick moves. It astounded him, as he stared at you in shock. "You could have helped me when I was struggling for a good ten minutes earlier, you know."

"I know," you said, nodding. You smoothed the edges of his collar then, and smiled as you put your arms around him and stared at the reflection of the both of you in the mirror, in a matching black dress to his robes for Slughorn's party. Severus deemed it incredibly festive. "But I do enjoy watching you struggle too. The way your eyebrows furrow, the way your lips turn cutely, it does wonders to my heart, Sev."

He rolled his eyes at you, but hid his face in your own robes to hide his blush nonetheless. Compliments always made his heart incredibly happy, especially when it came from you, and he struggled with the fact that his face showed it off for him more than his words could most times.

Walking hand in hand with him to Slughorn's office that night, you could not say you were surprised when it was every bit as extravagant as the man said it would be. He really was an exceptional host, you could not deny. But as with all parties, especially ones where there were people of high society involved, one thing you despised most was the fact that they all knew who your parents were, which meant that they all knew who you were. And so when you were inevitably dragged away from Severus a few times that night to socialise with groups of old warlocks and wizards about topics you never found interest in, it was quite frustrating for the both of you, but of course Severus never said anything. He would slip away on his own as well, knowing his limits and how he would never fit into conversations like the ones you were having, a bitter reminder of just how different the two of you were at times. You had been raised and trained to entertain, he had been raised to barely survive.

"And what are your opinions on the article I have written last week, for the _Daily Prophet,_ Professor?" A slight buzzing had been going on in your ear, and you found it difficult to even recognise the man you were speaking to. 

"I'm sorry, which article is it again, sir?"

He looked very offended. Huffing he said, "You really are a lot less sharp than your father. _Horatius_ would have read and memorised all my articles, (y/n). Of course, a respected writer like myself—"

But you had located the source of the buzzing. It had been your own owl, Athena, and she had just flown into the room right then, trying to sense where you were. You decided you needed to end the conversation right then. "Right, right, I apologise then, sir. But unfortunately I am the one you chose to speak to, and it just so happened that my father is in Azkaban, isn't he? Besides, I don't even know who you are, sir."

You left him then, and a string of curses and insults fell from his mouth as you wove in and out of the crowd, until Athena found you and landed on your shoulder as she presented the letter she had been carrying. 

Your heart fell when you read it, however. _Now, of all times!_ Locating Severus in the crowd then, you winced when you saw that he was with Slughorn and Harry, sulking more than ever, as if he was forced to be in the conversation. By your presumptions, he probably was. _Oh, Severus,_ you thought, not bearing to leave him again. But you had to, and there were places you needed to be, people you needed to look out for. 

Quickly stealing a roll of parchment from Slughorn's desk, you dipped the quill into his inkwell and began writing a note to apologise to the man for leaving so abruptly. Then, you rolled it up and handed it to your owl, whispering, "Give this to him, secretly please. Don't attract so much attention to yourself, and stay safe." 

The owl nipped at your finger, annoyed, before she flew off again, hiding in a corner of the room until she deemed it was safe to approach the man as per your instructions.

With a final sweep around the room, you slipped out, straight out of Hogwarts grounds, and apparated straight to a familiar apartment again. Your gut tugged as you travelled, and the air suddenly became about ten degrees colder as you arrived. 

Your mother was not home, but Bellatrix was. The unmistakeable loud cries came from Hailey Abbott's room, and among those cries, you could hear the woman distinctly cursing and begging her to quiet down too. You took a deep breath, and pushed open the door to be greeted with the sight of her trying to rock the little girl in her arms and failing epically to quiet her down. _Of course, not like that._ As you studied the red-faced, snot-covered figure of the child in her arms, you rushed forward to take over, allowing the woman a quick moment of respite. 

"Hasn't stopped crying since this morning! You said I was not allowed to do magic around her, but little twat's getting more and more annoying by the second. I was going to—" Bellatrix began to rant, but her voice faltered when she noticed you in your dress. "—What are you wearing?"

"I was at a Christmas party," you dismissed her, and laid your hand on the girl's forehead. It was scorching hot, and as you noticed, you realised that your mother did not have any cauldrons or potion ingredients laying around then. You cursed, before looking at Bellatrix again. "Since when did you listen to whatever I said anyway? I would have assumed you would have her dead by now."

"You really think too lowly of me, Ravenclaw!" She screamed, and the girl cried even louder. "I—You should do something, right? Children aren't supposed to be like this, right?" 

"No, they are not," you agreed, looking around and still finding nothing to aid you. Sighing, you made the final decision then. "We have to bring her to a hospital."

"I'll come with."

You gave her an incredulous look. "Have you forgotten that you are the most wanted criminal in the Wizarding world right now?! To go to St. Mungo's, of all places, Bellatrix, no! You stay right here, and wait for _us_ to get back!"

The woman pouted, but you ignored her, putting on your cloak again and wrapping the little girl in a warm bundle in your arms. You needed to be quick, her temperature was through the roof, and you did not have a single idea on why the child could be so sick then, because who knows what had happened to her while you were gone? It worried you to no end, and you could physically feel your heart pounding in your chest as her cries grew louder and more pained. It hurt you too, seeing her in that manner, and you wished for nothing more than for her to hold on a little longer, to be alright, until you could get her to help and safety. 

Shooting Bellatrix one last look, you disapparated straight to St. Mungo's then, concern filling your bones at the sight of the sick child in your arms.


	11. Much Too Lovely

20th December 1996

"And what is your child's name, miss?"

"Hailey."

"Hailey, Hailey what?"

The Healer was starting to get on your nerves. There you were, with a crying child in your arms, _begging_ for someone to take a look at her already, but she still had the audacity to be calm. "Hailey...Snape."

"Snape," she said, noting it down painfully slowly, and you adjusted the girl in your arms as you sucked in a breath through your teeth. "Second floor to your right." 

But before she could even finish her sentence, you were off, climbing up the stairs to the room where the child could finally be treated, where your worries would be lifted. The Healer that greeted you then seemed a little surprised that you were so worried over what he diagnosed as the _common cold._ He even made a snide remark to the way you were pacing about in the room as he administered the Pepperup Potion to the girl, and you swore that had he been able to read your mind, he would have known that you were hexing him with all the hexes you knew then.

"Mama." You heard as you began the walk back to the apartment later that day, the child already feeling much better and less cranky. You smiled softly at her, before fixing her shirt. 

"Your mama's going to be gone for a while, sweetheart. Paddey the house-elf will take care of you for now, and I will be around as much as I can, though not as much as I want to," you reminded her, but it seemed like it fell on deaf ears, as she returned to playing with the buttons on your robes and pulling on them every so often. 

"Mama," she said again as you put her down in her room, noticing that Bellatrix had gone off for another mission, leaving only a note. You sighed in relief, and checking your wristwatch to find that you still had a couple of hours left before you had to return to Hogwarts, you decided to spend a little longer with her. She cheered as you sat down with a book you had bought for her the other day. "Mama, book!"

"I'm not your mama, Hailey. But come here, let's read this book together, okay? Your mama will be home soon enough." 

Eventually, the girl fell asleep in your arms halfway through, and you found it difficult to peel her off of you as you moved around the house, trying to convince her that you needed to go, that you needed to return to Hogwarts. It took even the house-elf, who had spent more time with her than anyone else, to try to pull her away, but she had stuck on you like glue. Through the massive tantrum that she was throwing right then, you suddenly wished that what everyone coined as _the terrible twos_ was not real at all, because her separation anxiety with you was making you even more upset about having to leave too.

"Come on, Hailey sweetheart, _please,"_ you begged, but she adamantly refused to let go. Even the house-elf was at ends, as he scrambled around trying to find something to distract the child. "I will come back for you, don't worry, I always will. And Paddey here takes good care of you, doesn't he? Please let go of me, my dear." 

"Mama Bella?" She asked then, and your heart fell to your stomach. There was no way Bellatrix had made such an impression on her. 

" _Aunt Bellatrix_ will be around too, yes."

"Mama Bella and mama?" 

The house-elf had found the stuffed toy she loved dearly, and you nodded at him as you bent down one last time to let her go. You had to give in. "Yes, mama Bella and mama. We will both be here, back here, very soon, my girl. I really have to go now, so please, let go, okay?"

When she finally did, a soft smile gracing her features, you did not know why _you_ suddenly felt the weight of leaving crushing you instead. It was heavy, staggering, and even as you pressed a kiss to her cheek to say goodbye, the lingering feeling never left, and it felt even worse when you had returned to Hogwarts, the safety of Severus' arms no comfort to the missing you felt of the girl.

21st December 1996

Severus was waiting up for you when you arrived in the wee hours of the morning that day. He had been pacing, worriedly biting his nails, and when he saw you finally enter the doors to your shared quarters, unharmed, he practically flung himself onto you. You had not even had the chance to greet him or take off your coat when he had engulfed you in his warmth, nearly muffling your sounds of surprise. 

"Sev—"

"You're not leaving, you'll never leave, right?" His voice was broken, afraid.

"Severus, what are you—"

"Please," he begged, his own eyes watering. "Please say you'll never leave." 

You carded your fingers through his hair. It was uncommon, but not rare to find him like this, so vulnerable, so insecure of himself. And most times, you knew that he really needed your trust and assurances to get back on his feet again, and you willingly gave them to him every single time. You only wished you could take his pain away. "Of course. I'm right here, I'm never going away." 

He nodded at you, before carrying you in his arms in one sweep, and laid you down on the bed before you could even say anything else. He allowed you to discard of your coat for a moment, but once you did, he had laid his body on top of yours, pressing down on you as if he was so afraid of you getting up and leaving right then, and he had latched his lips on yours. They were fervent, frantic, and you struggled to keep up with him as he held onto you for dear life then.

"Sev—" You were cut off by him, but you persisted. "—Dear, what is going on?"

He tried to shut you up, really he did, and he pressed down even harder upon you, almost until you felt slightly uncomfortable and tried to shift under him, to no avail. You were pinned, and he was unrelenting. Still you wrung your arm free, and held his face softly to pull him away. Pouting, you did your best to beg for him to _tell you_ what had happened to him, until he sighed and shut his eyes again. 

His face buried in your neck, he slowly whispered, "Draco is being more difficult than ever. He truly believes he can do it."

"Do what, Sev?"

"I cannot tell you," he said, frustrated at even himself. "And it kills me, because I need you to trust me completely, but I cannot tell you."

"Is it that bad, Severus?" You kissed him again, and he nodded. "Do you want me to talk to him? Will that make things better?"

"No. He doesn't—he doesn't understand and I don't think he ever will. He is too young, too naive, and I am afraid Lucius' imprisonment had rattled him far too much. I just—everything is so difficult now, my love. I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"You can, and you will. I have faith in you, Sev, and I already trust you completely, you know this. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you and with you."

"But what I have been asked to do, it's...it's horrible, (y/n). I don't know if you would still stay with me, after it."

Severus watched you look deeply into his eyes for a while, before you smiled again at him. "We've already been through so much, Severus. What is one more obstacle for us? You know I would travel to the ends of the world for you, and nothing is going to stop me from loving you. If you wanted to leave, even now, you know I would gladly follow you in a heartbeat. You will always have me." 

"Promise?" His eyes filled with doubt, you realised that after all of that, he was still afraid, and it made you slightly question the severity of what he really had to do. 

But you still respected him nonetheless. So intertwining his finger with yours, you leaned up to press a kiss to his lips again as you whispered, "Promise."

25th December 1996

"No, really, Molly, I am fine. I have just come to drop off my presents for you all this year, and then I will be off."

It did not stop the woman from fussing over you, however. She fixed the crinkles on your robes then, before bringing you closer to the fireplace to get some warmth. Remus watched in amusement, a Butterbeer clutched in his hands as you stared at him, then Molly, exasperatedly, but said nothing. He did not look any better than you did, you saw, from the way his hair seemed much too long for your liking, and his tired appearance. But before you could say anything to him, Molly clucked her tongue between her teeth as she observed something on your left collar. 

"How long has this stain been here, dear?" She swiped at it, and you looked down to see that it had been the applesauce that you were feeding Hailey Abbott with earlier. She must have spat a little of it out, and Molly was the first one to pick it up. "Looks like a child spat it out on you." 

"A child, eh?" Remus smirked. "Have you got a secret child that none of us know about, (y/n)? You have always been very good at keeping secrets."

You sneered, before commanding the bottle he was holding to you with an _Accio Butterbeer,_ to which Remus finally stopped his chuckling. "Very funny. This was just a little bit of applesauce that I must have accidentally spilled earlier. I should be going now, then, I have to clean this up on top of the many other things I have to do."

"It's Christmas, (y/n), can't you just stay a little longer?" Molly interrupted, but you shook your head sadly, before gathering your coat again. 

"Tell the rest Severus and I said hello," you said, before shutting the door to the Burrow softly. In truth, you were already feeling as detached from them as you could be, with Severus and Harry's bad blood, as well as with every other member of the Order seemingly mistrustful of the both of you, it felt like you being there was just overstaying your welcome. You already rarely saw them, the other members, so to think, as you were leaving the area that day, that it would perhaps be one of the last Christmases you would ever spend with them until the war was fully over, it made a sad tugging in your heart appear. _I hate always having to choose between the man I love, and everything else._

9th January 1997

As the new year arrived and the seasons slowly began to change, with the snow melting and the sun rising more prominently than ever, you realised that still, somethings would and will never change. One such example, would be the maddeningly frustrating relationship you shared with your mother. 

The both of you were standing in her kitchen, you wrapping up a gift for Severus for his birthday, and her watching you in disapproval. You could say that your relationship had gone from disdain to almost civil, peaceful, because of the child sitting on the counter right then, happily fiddling with the new fake wand you bought her from Fred and George Weasley. She no longer berated you for every single act that you committed, and you were no longer tempted to scream at her whenever she did. She ignored you, resigning to disapproving stares and clicks of her tongue whenever you were around, but Bellatrix even claimed that she seemed much calmer when you were, so you chose to say nothing of that fact. Perhaps, you thought, this was the best that your relationship with her will ever get to, and you should not be hoping for anymore from the woman. 

Still, you knew the sight of the wedding band on your finger was bothering her. "And how old is he turning this year?"

You paused, already knowing she was perhaps going to start another session of criticising Severus. "Thirty-seven."

"And you?"

"You gave birth to me, mother. You should already know that I will be turning twenty-nine." 

"Precisely," she sighed, rubbing her temples. "Much too old, much too poor, much too dangerous."

"Much too lovely," you said, ignoring her. Finishing the final touches to it, you carefully placed it in the gift bag then, before sealing it and returning your attention towards Hailey again. You took the wand away from her mouth, and smiled at her as she hid her face in your robes.

Your mother cursed under her breath, before giving up and throwing herself on the sofa. "All the men in the world, and you chose Severus Snape."

"You know, I suspect Bellatrix Lestrange also has a crush on me, mother. Would it have been better if I had been with her?" You teased.

"Stop speaking nonsense! Bellatrix has never been one to have her mind together, that is obvious. And with what The Dark Lord has tasked of me to do..."

Hailey took a sudden interest in your locket, and you allowed her to play with it as you furrowed your eyebrows and sat across from the woman. "What task?"

She glared at you for a moment, before sighing and giving in. "Hogwarts has a weapon that he is interested in. Well, not a weapon, he describes it as a _Horcrux,_ and he has tasked me to find it and retrieve it back for him, or he would not break your father out of Azkaban again."

"A _Horcrux?"_ Instantly, your mind reeled back to the conversation you had with The Dark Lord months prior. _He had tasked me to protect something, a weapon. He said it was where my Ravenclaw placing would come in useful._ "What Horcrux?"

"How am I supposed to know?! He refuses to tell me, and oh--it's horrible," the woman snapped, throwing her face in her hands. But you were frozen solid. _There is no way, there is no way he is doing that._

"Mother."

She gave a grunt, as if to acknowledge you. 

"He has tasked me with a mission at Hogwarts too. To protect a weapon."

The woman seemed to realise it the same time you did, and you could hear her inhale sharply, the cogs in her mind turning. Then, she gasped, and abruptly stood up. "He is...he—"

You smiled sadly, already feeling sick. Hailey was looking up at you with her wide eyes again, uttering a soft _mama._ "He wants one of us to go, and he is making the other kill her."


	12. Hold Me Dear

9th January 1997

You watched as the woman paced around, nearly pulling out her hair. It seemed as if all the years of her abandoning you for the sake of protecting you still, the years of her loving you from afar, the years that she had to go without seeing her child, it was all going to waste. You thought that she looked like she was going insane, but who would not, in her situation? She was being forced to kill her child, in a conflict of interest, and you could not bear to kill her either. You wondered from where in The Dark Lord's sick, twisted mind, had this idea come to fruition, and what pleasure he derived from seeing his followers kill each other. It was terrible. 

"No, there has got to be a way. A way for both of us, out of this! I could—I could drop out of this mission altogether, right? I could—"

"Run away?" You asked, calmly. "You plan to run away? They found Igor Karkaroff's body not far from here, mother. I wouldn't want to see that piece of news from the _Daily Prophet_ about your body, and neither will father from Azkaban."

"But neither do I want to _kill_ my only daughter!" She shrieked, startling the girl in your arms. Hailey began to wail again, and you stood, rocking her softly as you tried to get her to calm down. "How are you so calm?! How are you—you're just like _him!_ Always telling me, everything will be alright, everything will work out fine, when everything will clearly not!"

"Mother, you're scaring the child."

"Are you even listening to me?! We have to devise a plan, i-in order for the both of us to survive this, because I am sure that I do not want to die and neither do you!"

"Mother, we already signed our death contracts," you reminded her. "When we joined The Dark Lord for the men we loved, remember?"

Her voice faltered, her hand dropping down to her side. She blinked, and opened her mouth as if to say something, anything, to snap at you with a snide remark, but nothing came out. Nothing came out, because she knew you were right, and it terrified her to see her daughter so calm, knowing that she could possibly die in the very near future, in her own hands.

All she could do then, after a moment's silence and grieving, was ask, "Are you going to tell him?"

"Are you?"

"He's in Azkaban, and I—"

"Then neither will I tell mine."

17th January 1997

As you packed up the last of your belongings after your last class of the day, ready to head down for dinner, you recalled leaving a book you had wanted to lend Luna Lovegood during dinner in your office, and internally sighed as you proceeded up to retrieve it. Your feet carrying you hurriedly across the corridors and hallways, you were determined to make it quick, but it seemed as if the castle had other plans.

You had taken a shortcut, risking it to get to your office faster, but unfortunately, you wound up very, very lost. It seemed as if the staircase revolved out of nowhere, and you knew you were very far from where you were supposed to be then. _Great, I only made things worse,_ you thought, beginning to jog. Past a few abandoned rooms and classrooms, you were suddenly stopped when you recognised your surroundings. Just one final corridor, and you had rounded upon Slughorn's office. 

It was lit from the inside, and with soft music playing, you could only presume that he was inside. The door was ajar too, and you did not know what compelled you then, what kind of thoughts you were having that made you deem it was worth it to waste time by visiting him, but you were curious. You had only been inside his office once, after all, after it had been transformed from Severus' old office. And it appeared as if he had completely renovated it too; it was no longer dark and gloomy and freezing, no, the office radiated warmth and comfort, smelling just like a child's candy dreams with all the crystallised pineapple the man was hogging inside there. 

You braved yourself, and knocked. There seemed to be some movement inside, before Slughorn pulled back the door and grinned widely at you. "Finally made the trip down for tea, (y/n)? What a lovely surprise."

"Actually, I was—"

"No, don't be shy, come in, come in!" But he had already pulled you by the wrist, and what you initially only wanted to be a visit to see what the new office was truly like, had turned out to having tea with the man you were avoiding all throughout Hogwarts. "I must be honest with you, I had not expected you, so I apologise if the food will take a little longer to come. I have rushed many house-elves, but the castle seems to always make them lose their way, it's a little bit irritating." 

"It's fine, Professor," you said, taking a seat on one of his plush red armchairs. The fireplace had been the only source of light in there, but it comforted you nonetheless. You stretched out your legs and cracked your joints for a minute, the end of the week absolutely wringing you exhausted. Slughorn smiled at this, and placed the steaming cup of tea on the table beside you. 

Slughorn plopped himself across from you, and began sipping from his own cup. "I must say, you still look every bit as beautiful as the Quidditch magazines made you out to be, all those years ago. Makes me wonder why you chose to teach instead of becoming a model or actress or something."

"You humour me, Professor. I have lost so much weight and I have grown older now, no longer beautiful like I was in my youth," you said, shaking your head. "But it had been Dumbledore who reached out to me first. He wanted me to take the position."

"Ah, something we have in common," Slughorn took another sip, blowing on his steam. "Not a man who takes no for an answer, isn't he?"

You raised your cup to him. "He is not. And here we both are, two wizards he had not wanted to slip into the Dark side, two wizards he keeps on his tight leash."

"You are a very pessimistic woman, (y/n). I would have thought you were the more cheerful one out of a couple made up partly of Severus Snape," Slughorn chuckled, but you only smiled softly. "But that is true. I did not want to pick sides, but it seems that he has put me firmly on his, after what he has done. Nobody can say no to Dumbledore."

"Saying no to Dumbledore is almost as easy as finding a _Horcrux,_ Professor," you replied, staring back at the fire. A second passed, then two, and you assumed Slughorn had just nodded out of your line of sight, perhaps silently agreeing with you, and continued to sip at your tea. But as you tipped the cup back and moved to set it down beside you again, your eyes met his, and you realised that they were filled with shock, anger, but most of all, horror. 

"Professor—"

But the man had shot to his feet, exclaiming, "He's sent you down here too! T-To get that memory from me!"

"Professor Slughorn, what are you—"

He practically flew to the door, and holding it open, made a frantic move with his hand for you to get out. "OUT! Out, I say! I cannot believe—He stooped as low as asking a fellow _teacher!_ I—Madman he is! Get out, Professor Snape!" 

You were deeply confused, wanting to reach out to him to ask him just _what memory_ he was talking about, and what had made him react in such a manner. _Was it something I said?_ If he could not tell by your own confused expression that you did not have a clue what he was talking about, you were sure that he was just relying on his senses that you were a very good actor then. "Professor Slughorn, I have no idea what you are talking about. I wasn't sent by him—"

"Oh, that's what he told you to say, didn't he?! He had warned me, coming here, that you were one of his best, _exceptionally clever_ and _very charming,_ and he's used these to his advantage, hasn't he? Sent you against me, when he knows I would naturally gravitate towards your brilliance! But you...you cannot fool me, Professor Snape! And when I say _get out,_ I mean it! NOW!"

And so you left, more puzzled than ever, staring as he slammed the door right after and the lights in the room dimming immediately. It was perhaps the most aggravated you had ever seen him, and one of the most mind-boggling conversations you had ever had, but the bell had rung, and dinner was over. The Slytherins were coming down to the dungeons, and you had no choice but to leave and not approach the man anymore, in fear that he would do something that you would very much have liked to avoid. The only person you could approach was Dumbledore, but you were not even sure if the man was willing to give you all the answers.

 _No, he definitely was not,_ you reaffirmed, as you walked back to your office later that day, pushing the thought of asking him to the back of your head altogether. Right then, you had more important things to do, more important places to be, and a little freakout from the Potions professor was definitely not on the top of the list of things you should be concerned about.

1st February 1997

Severus seemed more irritable than ever. He was constantly cursing whenever he was marking, accidentally tipping his inkwell at times, and he even adopted the new tick of banging on the table whenever he got frustrated with a student's work. One time, as you were both marking together, he startled you with how loud his fist slammed the table, and it made Athena squawk and fly over to your shoulder protectively as well. She hissed at him, and you instinctively reached up to calm her down a little. 

He, on the other hand, did not seem to realise what he had done. Throwing his head back and shutting his eyes, it seemed as if he had given up on marking for the night altogether. You reached over to hold his hand, worry lining your features. "Sev."

The man grunted. 

"Go, rest for the night. I will finish the rest of your marking for you."

But he shook his head, and sighed loudly. "I don't want to, and I don't want you to. You are already more than you need to for me, I don't want to cause even more of a burden for you."

You frowned. In all the years you had known Severus, he had always been calm, composed. He never lost his cool aside from when he was confronted by his old bullies, and you had always envied how he seemed to be able to take even the most difficult obstacles he faced in stride. So to see the calmest man you knew practically _crumble_ under the weight of his worries, it made you concerned to no end. In response, you got up from your own seat, and placing Athena back to her stand near the window, you moved over to sit in his lap. He still opened his legs for you invitingly, and you threaded your fingers through his hair to calm him down. He leaned into your touch, and you took the time to press comforting kisses on his forehead. 

"Do you want me to make you some tea? I could go down to the kitchens and grab you a slice of cake, perhaps?"

"What I need," he huffed, "Is to get back to work. I will never finish these if I don't get them done by tonight, and The Dark Lord wants to meet me tomorrow."

But you had already moved his own stack to the top of yours, and assured him, "Don't...Let's not think of that for now, alright? I will get them done for you, because I am here as your partner as well, and I don't want you to worry about work when you have more important things to worry about. How about we both take a break, I will run a hot bath for us, and you can vent out whatever it is you want to vent to me?"

He looked at you, and suddenly, you noticed that his eyes had begun to water. You moved to wipe them away, to shush him gently, but he had gripped your wrists against his, and pulled you down lower to him. Severus buried his face in your neck, and you felt the tears begin to drench your robes. "Oh, Sev..."

"I love you, more than words could say, you know?"

"I know, Sev," You assured him. "I know." 

"And I would like that. The bath," he said shyly, and you laughed as you nodded and allowed him to stick close to you, never leaving your body, as you slowly prepared for the bath with him. "But is it okay if we...don't speak? I just want to feel you, be with you for a while. Need to remind myself of you." 

"Of course. And words are futile devices?"

"And words are futile devices, my love." 

In the end, you could not care less that he chose not to speak of it, that he enjoyed being in your presence more than him speaking about his own troubles. All that mattered, was that he had you and you had him, and considering the limited time left you presumed you were going to have with him, it made the moments shared even more bittersweet. He did not know, and so did you, but maybe that was how it was always going to be, and how that mutual trust you had for each other was going to work. You just hoped, as you helped him wash his hair, as you slowly tucked him into bed beside you, as you kissed him goodnight, that he would forgive you, should anything happen. And secretly, he hoped that you would forgive him too.


	13. Against The Odds

25th February 1997

The door to Hailey Abbott's room clicked open softly, and the figure of Bellatrix appeared. You ignored her at first, returning to tying the little girl's hair, but upon hearing a sniffle that threatened to tether into a wail, you turned sharply. The woman was crying. 

"What—" Before you could finish, she had thrown her arms around you, wailing loudly regardless. You nearly suffocated under her, and you really wondered then if people enjoyed cutting you off so much by wrapping themselves around you. "Bellatrix, use your words." 

"He—" She hiccoughed, "—He doesn't love me!"

"I thought that had been obvious."

She threatened you with a glare, before wailing even louder. "No! I—I asked, and he said no, this time! Last time, he said yes!"

"Last time he merely brushed you off, Bellatrix. I was there, we were all there." You glanced over at Hailey, who was watching the both of you with curiosity. You smiled dryly at her, reaching out to hold her hand while the other one softly patted Bellatrix's back. The woman's cries were not stopping anytime soon, and you knew if you wanted her to get off of you, you had to try a different approach. "Do you want my comfort or a solution? Because you know what solution I am going to propose already."

"Comfort," she murmured then, and slowly pulled back from you. You could laugh, staring at her tear-stained cheeks and pouting expression. There she was, the most wanted criminal in the Wizarding world, known for the most heinous crimes ever committed, without remorse, and she was choosing _you_ to comfort her, of all people. But you held back your grin, and brought Hailey to your arms.

Bellatrix looked her up and down, before her eyes returned to yours. "She calls you _mama Bella,_ if you didn't know." 

"I know, I taught her to call me that," she half-laughed, half-cried again, and you chuckled disbelievingly as she struggled with her words. Her, hearing you, instantly took offence, and took a sharp jab at your ribs this time. 

"Bellatrix!" You warned, as she proceeded to laugh harder, jabbing you again as you sidestepped. "I am holding a child!"

But she only smiled, and stepped back from you for a moment, and you swore you saw something flicker in her eyes as she studied you. You immediately looked away, not wanting the silence to stretch into uncomfortableness. _Don't forget what you set out to do. Don't forget that you need to get as close as possible to her, for her to trust you._ Still, it was incredibly difficult convincing even yourself then, and you turned your attention back towards the little girl in your arms.

1st March 1997

You were running. It was not a slow, casual run, eager to get to someplace else quicker, no, you were full on running until your lungs were starting to hurt, and _somehow,_ it still did not seem like you were running fast enough.

What was even more baffling, was the ease in which Minerva seemed to catch up to you with. She was so much older than you were, but she was barely even panting as she asked, "Ron Weasley?"

"Ron Weasley," you confirmed, which meant that the both of you were paged at the exact same time about the boy who had swallowed the poisoned mead from Slughorn's office. It was pissing you off, the rate at which students were being poisoned or hurt or injured recently, and somehow, you were even more pissed that Severus was not with you when you were notified. He was gone, as he had been gone for a while, without notifying you for the past few days. You got that he could have been busy with his own missions, that he was worried about your wellbeing as well as his, but the _least_ he could do was tell you when he was going to set out and allow you to kiss him goodbye in case anything happened to him while he was away from you. It frustrated you to no end, but still, you chose to keep silent for a while, attributing to the fact that he had been acting this manner for quite some time already. 

When you entered, the entire Weasley family, aside from their two eldest sons and Percy, was crowded around a single hospital bed. While Minerva pushed through them to check if the student in her own House was doing alright, you remained at the back for a bit, until at least Molly and Arthur Weasley cleared out to speak to Dumbledore. Harry and Hermione were by Ron's side, and as you made eye contact with Harry, he got off of his seat and approached you. 

"I heard you shoved a bezoar down his throat," you said, inviting him to a spare hospital bed, away from the prying ears of the rest. When he nodded, you continued, "That was brilliant, Harry. You saved his life. How did you think of that?"

He seemed reluctant to answer. "I...don't know. I just did, I guess." 

You let his words hang in the air for a while, and laid back slightly on the bed. Harry then faced you. "Professor, you're concerned, aren't you? About...who sent the mead?" 

"I am."

"Then you will have to believe me when I say I suspect Draco Malfoy. He's—"

"Harry, we've been over this. Without substantial proof that Draco has tried anything, you cannot accuse him of such things," you cut him off, staring intently back at him. It was bad enough that Draco was failing whatever it was that he had been tasked to do and had dragged Severus into it, but to gain the suspicions of Harry and whoever else he had made enemies with, it was only making things worse. And in truth, you had started looking out for him too, to ease the burdens off of Severus' shoulders a bit. Casually walking behind him to his classes, making sure that he did not play truant and wander off too far from where he was supposed to go, it had not been easy. A few times he had caught you, and had you not scolded him and reminded him that there were far more serious reasons on why you were following him around and ensuring he was safe, he would have been sent straight to detention with you for weeks for cursing you out in the ways that he did. Severus was right; he was young and naive, and far too arrogant for his own good, but of course you could say nothing about it. It was his job and his mission, and to interfere in another Death Eater's mission specifically set out by The Dark Lord himself would be asking for a death wish. 

"But Professor, don't tell me it hasn't crossed your mind!"

You shushed him, before sending him a cold glare. "Keep your voice down, Harry. This conversation is over, and I am not speaking about this, whatever this is between you and Draco, ever again."

After a brief conversation with the Weasleys and ensuring Ron was alright, you stepped out of the infirmary for the night, ready to get some rest after a very stressful day already. You passed Harry and Hermione talking to Hagrid then, and you had not meant it, but you heard a certain sentence leave Hagrid's mouth, and suddenly, it seemed as if you were reeled into whatever he was saying. 

"Well—I jus heard Snape saying' Dumbledore took too much fer granted an' maybe he—Snape—didn' wan' ter do it any more—" 

"Do what?" Harry pushed. 

"I dunno, Harry, it sounded like Snape was feelin' a bit overworked, that's all—anyway, Dumbledore told him flat out he'd agreed ter do it an' that was all there was to it..." Hagrid continued, but you had stepped back further into the shadows, waiting until he inevitably dismissed the duo and you could corner him. _How come Hagrid knows more about my husband than I do?!_

When he was finally alone, you quickly caught up with him and grabbed the end of his coat, because it was all you could reach. He felt it, and as he swung around ready to attack, he sighed in relief when he saw you. "Oh, Professor Snape, just a—"

But it finally sunk in for him, as he jumped back in horror then, ready to run away from you. You did not allow him to do so, and got even closer to him. "What do you mean by _Severus didn't want to do it anymore?_ "

"Professor Snape, yeh really are scarier than Snape altogether sometimes," Hagrid nervously said, "Well, the other Professor Snape."

"Don't play with me, Hagrid. What did him and Dumbledore—"

"I'm not supposed ter be the one in between yeh private matters with yeh husban', Professor. If yeh want ter know so badly, ask him!" Hagrid suddenly seemed firm, adamant about not telling you, and you wondered if it really had been such a scandal after all. 

"Hagrid, my husband isn't telling me anything!" You pleaded. "If you don't tell me this, you know I would be upset with you for a long, long time, Hagrid!"

But he had already started walking away, swatting you off as you tried running to him again. "Better one Snape angry with me than both of yeh! And better yeh than him and Dumbledore!"

"Hagrid!"

12th March 1996

"With all due respect, Headmaster, why have you asked me to meet you here, of all places?" You asked Dumbledore, as he stood with his hands behind him, grinning at you. It was in the dead of the night, and you were exhausted from returning from a Death Eater mission that had just required you to witness a Muggle family being tortured. You were in no headspace to do anything else with the man. 

Dumbledore did not say anything, and you were about to ask him again, in fear that he had not heard you the first time, when your answer arrived. High up in the air, a distant song had begun to ring in your ears, coming closer and closer, and before you knew it, you felt the staggeringly heavy weight of a burst of red and orange feathers by your shoulder. Fawkes' claws were clinging onto you, though not uncomfortable, it still made you stagger a bit with the sudden weight he laid over you. 

"You'll get used to it, (y/n)," Dumbledore said, as you reached up to stroke Fawkes for a moment. "He really does trust you a great amount, to be able to land so confidently on you. I thought about calling you out here to get Fawkes to familiarise himself with you, to get to know you better. But apparently, he doesn't need to. He is confident about you."

It must have been a grand honour, to have the phoenix trust you in such a manner, and a sight to behold too. After all, a phoenix was not just any ordinary bird you could buy to help you send letters and packages to people; it was a _phoenix,_ for crying out loud. But right then, the only thing filling your mind was what you had been meaning to ask the man in over a week, and the appearance and friendly gesture Fawkes had presented to you was not helping things at all. "Headmaster."

The man smiled, and began walking a little further away from the castle. You shrugged your shoulders, inviting Fawkes to follow him, or to land on his shoulder instead, but he stayed firmly with you. You sighed, and began walking too, with the burden of the very heavy bird on your shoulders. "Headmaster, what is it that...that Severus spoke to you about? I mean, I overheard Hagrid the other day, and I understand that you like to keep things private, but—"

"Then the things I speak about with Severus _should_ be kept private, between him and I, (y/n). If he hasn't told you, or should he choose not to tell you, then that is your concern and his. But you will not hear it from me."

"He is my _husband,_ Headmaster! I deserve to know of his wellbeing more than anyone else!"

Dumbledore stopped, before turning to you with that calm, serene look you always despised on his face. "The both of you are more alike than I would have thought. You remind me just of him, you know, when he was concerned about you too."

"Well, then—"

"But like what I did for him, I chose to keep things between you and I private. Though, I must say, my dear," Dumbledore came forward, "I am truly, deeply, sorry for what I will be putting the both of you through. It is the only way to win this war, you will see, you will understand. And I know gifting you Fawkes may not seem like it makes up for it when you do realise, but he is loyal, and I hope he will provide some consolation and aid should you need him. It is the least I can do."

"Dumbledore, I don't understand. Please, please, just tell me. I—You know I am very grateful for you gifting me Fawkes, but right now, you make it seem like you are _about to die,_ sir. And you are making what you have asked of Severus to do, like it is some sort of...horrible thing. I don't want Fawkes' loyalty if it means that I would be losing the both of you!"

He appeared as if he was thinking about something, his eyes carrying emotion for the phoenix on your shoulder. For a moment, you wondered if he thought you were ungrateful to be the next owner of the most revered bird in the world, if you were complacent, but he only shook his head at you. "My dear girl, in all the years I have known you, raised you, you were never one to accept things as they are, I know. But in the midst of all these things, I also know that if I push you too far, tell you too much, you would end up losing yourself too. It is better that you do not know until you have to, trust me on this. And besides, you are keeping an awfully big secret from Severus too, are you not?"

Your shoulders tensed, staring into his face. Dumbfounded, you tried to sputter, but Dumbledore continued, "Battling a family member to death over a Horcrux hidden in this school, it does sound like you are preparing yourself for death, as have I."

"My mother—"

"Your mother has other means of telling me, my girl, even if she had not said it directly. She has always been looking out for you, through me, you know. But that is not the big secret I was talking about."

"I have no other secrets, Headmaster. I tell you everything."

Fawkes nuzzled his face to you then, and Dumbledore stared wistfully at him. "Perhaps you thought that this secret was insignificant enough, then, to not have told anyone else. But raising a child that you have orphaned my dear, with a wanted criminal, it is not the wisest thing a Ravenclaw should do."

"What are you talking about?!" You shot back. _How, how did he know?!_

"Is your husband aware of how intimately you and Bellatrix Lestrange know each other?" The use of the word _husband_ was deliberate, cutting. It was like Dumbledore had intended to splash a bucket of water on your head to bring you out of whatever daze you had been in, staying by Bellatrix's side.

"He is aware enough. If you are implying that I am cheating on Severus, Headmaster—"

"You and Bellatrix are her mothers now. And you have made a bond with that woman, a bond that I am warning you, is dangerous. You are using her, and while it is for the good of the Order, it will potentially be fatal for you should she find out. I advise you to stop whatever it is you are doing now. Save yourself, and abandon Bellatrix and the little girl." 

"She won't find out," you said through gritted teeth. "And the girl has no one, because Bellatrix killed her parents!" 

"You are letting your past blind you, my dear. I understand the grief and loss of your own child has scarred you, but the second Abbott daughter cannot be the replacement to the child you blame yourself for losing. She is different, a whole other person, and you cannot allow yourself to be attached to her as such. She is not the one you and Severus were going to welcome, and she will not be—"

"I think I am perfectly aware of what she is, Headmaster." You cut him off, and before he could say anything else, you had stormed off. Fawkes deliberated for a moment whether to stay with you, or go back to Dumbledore, but as he looked back to an expression you could not see, you felt his claws dig deeper into your robes as he stayed. Only when you reached the castle and bounded up to your quarters, did he finally depart, and you remembered seeing him, and seeing the face of the Headmaster that you suddenly resented so much then.


	14. The Truth Always Comes Forth

15th March 1997

"I haven't seen you in a while, you look _old_ now." A ghastly, eerie voice sounded out through the rush of the water from the taps, and you looked through the mirror to see who it was that had interrupted you from your chance at freshening up before finally meeting Severus again. 

"Hello, Myrtle. Nice to see you again." The ghost giggled, before doing a somersault with the water from the toilet bowls, and you cringed as it splashed everywhere and narrowly missed you. Deciding to finish up your business then and there, you turned the tap to stop the water and dabbed on your face with the small towel before you headed to leave. However, Moaning Myrtle flew close to you then, and smiled sickeningly. 

"Your buttons are misaligned. Were you having too much fun with someone else other than Professor Snape?" She teased, and you cursed when you looked down. Hurriedly taking off your outer shirt then, the ghost turned her back on you with a surprised gasp for a while, but you could still sense that teasing smirk of hers even from behind. 

"N-No, it's...it got stained, alright?" In truth, it had been because Hailey Abbott had spat up the mashed banana you were feeding her earlier, but you had neither the time nor energy to explain that to Moaning Myrtle then. The memory of it brought a faint smile to your face. Bellatrix trying tirelessly to feed it to her but her refusing to take even a single bite, before you took over and the girl immediately started liking them so much that she ate a little too much and ended up vomiting it on you, it was quite a scene to behold. Not to mention that it left you with no choice but to borrow one of your mother's old blouses to make up for the one you were losing, although it had significantly delayed your journey back home, it was all worth it to see the smile on the little girl's face, and to feel the warmth of her hugs from her tiny arms around you, along with the tiny kisses she managed to capture your heart with each time you were leaving her. In fact, leaving her was becoming harder and harder each time, and you found it difficult to want to do so, to remind yourself to do so, whenever you were in the company of the two of them. You did not know about Bellatrix, but that child was quickly taking over your life, and frighteningly, you were welcoming her to do so.

"I'm telling Professor Snape," Myrtle said in a singsong voice, and you fought off the urge to roll your eyes at her, before gathering your things and leaving the bathroom altogether. _I really should take note of which bathrooms she frequents the most, and stop coming to them so often._

When you met up with Severus later that day, in the comfort of your own room, you were brought back to the annoying memory of Myrtle again when he said teasingly, "So what's this rumour that I've heard from a particular ghost in the men's bathroom, that you've been cheating on me?"

"Oh, Severus," you said, hitting him across the chest, and he laughed as he brought you close to him. "I got my shirt stained, I had to borrow my mother's. It's in the laundry if you really want to check it out." 

He took a moment to process your words, and you thought that it meant he _really_ did not trust you. "Sev, did you really believe—"

"No, I trust you, I was just kidding. You know I trust you completely, my love," Severus cut you off. "But what you said...you've been talking to your mother again?"

You sighed. "Yes, and no, and...I don't know. It's complicated, Sev, and I don't really want to talk about her, of all people."

He frowned at you, but slowly let it go. The room returned to a comfortable silence again, and you were so tired your own eyelids were shutting before you knew it, but Severus broke the silence in the end. "For the record, I did see you in that blouse today, and I must say, my love, you looked _ravishing_ in it. You should wear green more often."

"You only think so because green is the Slytherin colour, Sev. And I don't look _ravishing,_ I was so tired and I am pretty sure I was half-asleep as I was walking between the classes."

"Sure you do," His hand had started to go lower, and soon, you felt it enter through the bottom of your sweatshirt and begin to roam on your skin. The feeling of his cold fingers against your hot flesh made you squirm, and he chuckled. "Would you like me to show you?"

You shook your head, not believing the _audacity_ of the man before you. "Sev..."

But before you could protest any longer, his lips had latched onto your neck, slowly sucking the skin purple, and with his hands then moving higher and higher underneath your sweatshirt, before gripping at you so tightly, you found it so difficult to say otherwise. Letting out a soft sigh of satisfaction, you physically felt him grin against you and swiftly pulled you up onto his lap, and as his lips met yours, all your troubles, your worries of the day, melted away with him. It was like magic, the power he held over you. And when he finally stood up with you in his arms, you willingly latched your own over his neck as he moved the conversation to the bedroom and spent the rest of the night with you there.

17th March 1997

As your Dark Mark burned hotly and you bounded through the castle floors to get to the Forbidden Forest as quickly as possible, you knew you were making a mistake when you were going too fast, and unfortunately, that mistake had caused you to collide with Tonks, of all people. You had not even seen her, and she had appeared so distracted that she had not seen you either, and she cried out as she stumbled from your strength. You caught her by the waist just in time, but in doing so, the Dark Mark flashed right under her view, and you could actually _see_ the way her eyes hardened as she looked at it. 

Though, she tried to hide it, but to no avail. "I—I'm sorry, (y/n)."

The woman's mouse-coloured hair was lank, and she looked thinner than usual. "It's fine, Tonks. Do you need anything?"

"No, no, of course not. I was just...looking for Dumbledore. You know, with the attacks at the South, and so many more unreported deaths, it worried me, because..."

"Remus is there," you confirmed, and it seemed as if her eyes were welling with tears. "I know, you're worried."

She nodded, and although the mark was burning, you paused for a moment, before saying, "Dumbledore's office is on the other side of the castle, by the way. And if it is any consolation, Tonks, the man you love is a very strong and capable fighter, and I know he won't die without getting the chance to tell you just how much he loves you first. You shouldn't be discouraged so easily."

Tonks let the tears run down her cheeks then, and you considered going up to her to offer her a handkerchief for a moment, but you knew if your other hand, the one without the mark, even risked letting go of the burning spot, you would crumble to the ground with how painful it was. So all you could do, was nod at her again reassuringly, before turning to run then. As you did, however, her voice suddenly rang out, "How do you do it?!"

Sucking in a sharp breath, you stopped, though not turning around. She continued, "How do you just _move on_ from everything so easily? Sirius' death, being part of the Death Eaters, the people you love dropping dead all around you. How do you get dealt with these things and are _still able_ to carry on with You-Know-Who’s orders like it's nothing?!"

"Tonks, keep your voice down."

"I DON'T CARE!" She screamed. "I hate—I hate how calm you always are, how you always have everything figured out, it frustrates me! You—You don't even falter, stop to grieve for one moment, or bother to think that what you are doing and what you continue to do is putting us all more at risk! It's insane, how you work like a machine, how you don't have feelings—"

"You think I don't have feelings?" The woman watched you turn, and this time, she saw that your eyes looked dangerous, and she took a step back as her hand wavered to her wand for a moment. But if she dared look even closer, you knew that she would pick up the layer of insecurity and sadness in them. "You think I sleep peacefully every night, thinking my conscience is clear and that I have nothing to be sorry for? Tonks, every night, every single night since Sirius died, I dream of him, and how if I had held on to him tighter, got to him sooner, or prevented him from coming to the Department of Mysteries at all, he would still be alive here today with all of us. It kills me, every single time I step into The Burrow, and every single time, I remind myself that the only reason that it was the headquarters then was because Grimmauld Place was no longer Grimmauld Place because of the man I failed to save. I know you think you had a hand in his death because you let Bellatrix get away long enough to push him in, but it was _me_ that saw him for the last time, that let him go. It was _me_ that Bellatrix saved, when I know that all of you in the Order secretly agree that it should have been _me_ that died and went behind The Veil, not the wrongly accused, sweet, brave man who had his whole life out of prison ahead of him. I, the Death Eater, the traitor, should have died in place of the man who did no wrong, and I blame myself for it too. You think I don't see the way all of you look at Severus and I, Tonks? You have treated my husband as an outsider, as someone you showed no respect and regard for despite having one of the most dangerous jobs in the Order, and now with the knowledge that I am just like him, all of you do it to me too. You look at us like we are dirty, corrupt, and it fills my bones with repulse whenever I have to stay longer than I am required for in that headquarters. I know neither of us are welcome, and that we are different from you, but I would have thought you and Remus know just what that feels like, to be outsiders. Apparently, you don't. And you think I don't have my own problems, you think I am always calm? I was raised to never show emotions, to never let my feelings get the better of me! I was taught to bury my feelings, to assume that whatever worries are dead when they are clearly not, because this was what _pure-bloods_ were. We took pride in being able to think calmly and logically to ensure our reign over the Wizarding community, and anyone who was shown to want otherwise would be shunned, your mother would know. So forgive me, for acting like a machine, because I am not like any of you. I cannot afford to let The Dark Lord to see me, the real me, because I am more afraid of losing the man I love and the people I care about more than I am afraid of losing myself, Tonks."

You did not even give her time to react, to let your words sink in, before you swept off again, your cloak flying in the wind behind you as the bitter night air bit your cheeks and let the tears that had stuck onto your face dry painfully slowly.

7th April 1997

"Oh, would you stop the crying already! One more time you wail as loudly as that, and I will give you something to cry about! _Cru—_ "

"Bellatrix! She is just a child, and she is having a very high fever, of course it would feel like the end of the world for her. So instead of trying out the _Cruciatus Curse_ on a child who does not know any better, would you please help me get a washcloth and some cold water, please?" You chided the woman, who was shooting daggers at the screaming child in your arms. Lately, you noticed that Hailey Abbott had a very high tendency to fall sick easily, and from your own observations of her own sister in the classroom, you realised the proneness to do so was shared between the siblings, as with other things as well. Hannah had been of more help than you could have ever imagined, even through the absurdity of it all. 

"Mama, I want—I want—" But Hailey failed to finish her sentence, as another loud cry tore from her throat, and you frowned worriedly as you held her closer to you while bouncing her. She was feeling worse than the previous night when you were first notified by the house-elf that she had fallen sick again, and despite Severus holding onto you tightly and begging you not to leave in the dead of the night, you knew you had no choice but to apparate to her side. Your guilt would never allow you to do otherwise, and your worry for the girl was crossing beyond the measures of simply being her temporary caretaker. 

"I know, my dear, it's uncomfortable, but you have to be strong, okay? Mama is right here, mama won't leave your side." Her cries were inconsolable, and it broke your heart as you practically _begged_ Bellatrix to head down to the kitchens for what you needed, and se gave a loud sigh before she finally disappeared to do so. The house-elf was by your side, holding the girl's hand, and you took the chance to console him too, since you knew he would be punishing himself for letting her get into such a condition very severely later on. 

Your mother's head peeked into view, apparently disturbed by all the noise coming from the room, and at your desperate glance at her on what you were supposed to do, she finally gave in and entered. The door shut behind her, and she studied the crying girl for a moment, before turning to you, saying nothing. 

"Bellatrix is downstairs, helping me get a washcloth and water for her forehead," you said, but her eyes remained steady on you. It looked like something was weighing heavily in her mind. 

"What is it, mother?" You asked. 

"You and Bellatrix are very close now, that she is taking orders from you, aren't you? The woman has never taken orders from anyone." 

"Mother, let us not start this again. She will be coming back here soon, and I have no time to discuss this with you," you said, shifting the girl to your other shoulder and wiping her tears.

"But we do. You need to break this off, whatever this is, because that woman is _dangerous,_ my girl, and I do not want you to die a very sudden death because of her madness."

You glowered at her. "Mother, I will not die a very sudden death because of _Bellatrix Lestrange._ I am very careful, and I know myself and my abilities. It just so happens that I know that of hers as well. I can separate my feelings from work, and she cannot. She clings onto me with a dogged determination, it is disgusting, the way she has fallen for me, of course, but I choose to say nothing of it because I need her, don't I? I need her to ensure Severus is safe, and nothing more. It is not my fault she opens her heart to people who frankly, have no reciprocated feelings for her, and I know forming a family unit with her and this child is reckless, it is my way of keeping her close to me, mother. I have her wrapped around my finger, under the impression that she means as much to me as I mean to her, but I know my limits. You need not worry about me."

Your mother took a deep breath, closing her eyes and then muttering, "I just hope you are right."

"I know I am."

But on the other side of the door, unbeknownst to the both of you inside and masked by Hailey's cries, a washcloth, along with a bucket of ice-cold water, had fallen with a loud clang to the floor. The person who was bringing them up to you was gone, as with her shattered heart and betrayed soul.


	15. Splitting

6th May 1997

"All I am saying, is that we should _consider_ it."

"Right now? Severus, right now is possibly one of the worst times to consider this."

"But if not now, when? With the way this war is going, I could not think of a better time either. At least right now, you and I are free for a short while, and...and whatever Dumbledore and The Dark Lord has tasked us to do has not come yet. Once it does, my love, we will really not have any time to even do it."

"But having another _child_ right now, Severus," you stopped walking to stare at him incredulously, wondering when he suddenly got the idea of wanting one so relentlessly. "I don't want our child to grow up in a war, because what if we die and—"

"We may die anyway! At least—" Severus took a deep breath to steady himself. "—At least, if you give me a child now, I know at least _that_ part of my life is—I got all that I could ever want, alright? I can die happy, knowing that I have lived my life to the fullest, with you, and our child."

"But you will be leaving us both behind, is that what you are saying? Severus, I don't know what Dumbledore's tasked you to do that's made you act in such a manner for the past few weeks, but I am _urging_ you to please, just think about the absurdity of this for a second! What if The Dark Lord takes the child away, to dangle just another life in front of us? What if we lose them...just like how we lost our daughter?" 

The mention of the daughter Severus never got to hold, got to him, as he paused for a minute too, and you saw his jaw clench. Then, he swiped through his hair feverishly, as if to convince himself of something, before he stood before you again, defiance in his eyes. "We are not going to lose them. I am sure of it."

"With the way things are right now, Sev, you and I both know we are not allowed to be sure of anything." You sympathised with him, really you did, but in the end, he was being too idealistic about the whole proposition, and that idea had only been brewing in his mind for a while. A child was not something you could take lightly, but it seemed as if it was the one thing that was tethering Severus into this world with you, the one thing that he was sure he wanted. You briefly wondered then, if it was the one thing that was keeping him going too, and at the thought of that, you berated yourself for thinking in that manner because it would then mean that you were _owing_ him a child to ensure that he still had the strength to fight. "I do not know, but for now, I am standing by my belief that we are not having a child until after the war is over. You can think that I am afraid or too cautious all you want, but with the way we lost our previous one, I am not very keen to start trying right now, Sev, and I know—"

But he suddenly held his hand up, silencing you. Your eyes narrowed, ready to retort back to him on cutting you off when you were saying something very important to him, but he had pressed his finger to his lips then, his eyes panicked. Reaching one hand out to hold yours, you felt him slowly dragging you nearer to the wall right by the boys' bathroom. Then, he spoke in his mind, allowing you to read it. 

_Something is happening inside there._

_More than the usual?_

_This is not the time for jokes, (y/n)! Get yourself—_ Before he formed the final thought, however, a deafening scream tore through the air, and Moaning Myrtle's voice let out, "MURDER! MURDER IN THE BATHROOM! MURDER!"

All at once, Severus had burst through the door, and you followed closely behind into the room. However, the scene that greeted you nearly made you collapse to the floor, with the blood draining from your face. It was horrifying, and not a scene you would have ever expected to see outside of the crimes Death Eaters would commit, and not a scene at _Hogwarts,_ of all places. 

Harry Potter was bent over Draco Malfoy, whose blood was spurting all over his face and chest, as though he had been sliced with an invisible sword. It was gnarly, and looked very much like an ongoing bloodbath, but your instincts moved faster than your own mind, as you rushed forward, past a shellshocked Severus, to immediately press your hands firmly on the biggest gaping wound Draco had on his chest. It spurted even more blood, drenching your own robes, but you held on tighter, and glared at Severus.

"Severus!" You yelled, but his eyes were still livid, staring at Harry, before at you trying to stop the blood from pouring all over Draco's body. "Severus, do something!"

More blood gushed out of Draco's face, and he clawed at the wound with his pale hands as you then stopped the compression on his chest to press your hands over his on the wound. However, in doing so, it was as if the blood had built up in his chest, and it sprayed out like a waterfall onto your own face and body, nearly blinding you. But _that_ seemed to be the thing to finally get Severus to snap out of his daze, the sight of you drenched in blood, as he suddenly came to and pushed Harry roughly aside to kneel down by Draco's side as well. Drawing his wand and tracing it over the deep wounds, you watched as he muttered an incantation that sounded almost like a song, before the blood flow began to ease and you could take the opportunity to draw your own wand to aid him. Together, with the both of you muttering the counter-curse to encourage Draco's blood back to his body, the wounds slowly began to knit and Draco started sputtering again. He looked at the both of you in panic, and you felt his hand grip onto your own in fear as you held him, reassuring him silently as you continued with the spell.

Finally, after the third round of spells, he had regained enough blood in his body to sit and then stand up, aided by leaning his weight onto Severus. He whispered something into the boy's ear that you could not hear through the roaring in your own, but as he turned around to look at you and Harry, a cold fury in his eyes upon gazing at the boy, you understood. He was to take Draco to the infirmary, while you were to stay with Harry, who was looking even more scarred than he could ever be, and physically shaking from the events of it all. You spared a glance at him, and he instantly knew the question that rang loudly in your mind. _How the hell did this happen?_ And more importantly, how could he, of all people, The Chosen One, be caught doing this?

"Harry..."

"I'm sorry! Professor, I'm sorry!" He cried, his hands gripping onto his wet shirt tightly while Moaning Myrtle continued to wail in the background. "I—I didn't know what that spell was supposed to do, and I panicked, because Malfoy/-Malfoy was going to hit me with the Cruciatus Curse, and—and—"

"Harry, slow down," you said, wiping the blood that had smeared onto your eyes as he looked back at you with fear clouding his gaze. He was hyperventilating, tethering on a panic attack, you knew, and you almost stood up, almost got to him to calm him down enough to start explaining to you before you decided on what to do with him while Severus was gone so he could at least defend himself, but before you knew it, there was a loud crash through the glass window at the top of the bathroom, and in flew your owl, Athena. Harry jumped at the sight of her, as if she was there to deliver the news that he was expelled from Hogwarts forever, or that he was going to be sent to Azkaban for the rest of his life, but the owl landed on your shoulder, and dropped a scroll onto your bloody hands.

You unrolled it carefully, and felt your head go cold. 

_My girl,_  
_I have just gotten back from a mission, and as I entered the house for tonight, the house-elf in charge for taking care of the child you and Bellatrix have adopted is dead. The house was overturned, and I am shaking as I write this down to you, that your child is gone. Bellatrix will be here soon, and I advise you to come here as quickly as possible too.  
Hadriana_

"Bellatrix..." you softly said, reading the letter, but Harry seemed to pick up on it.

"Bellatrix? T-That letter was written by Bellatrix?!" 

You were barely hearing him, your own hands shaking and your eyes enraptured as you read the letter over and over again. _No, this cannot be happening. Not now, not now!_

But it seemed as if the world was moving on without you, miles away from where you were, and you needed to keep up if you wanted to keep those around you alive. It was horrible, but as you turned to face Harry again, his eyes picked up on the finality you had decided upon. "Professor..."

"I need to go. I—I cannot be here right now," you got up, holding Harry by his sides. "Tell Professor Snape—Severus—that I have been called away, and I have to go. This is—I don't know how long I will be gone for, Harry, but you need to lay low, and stay right here, alright?! I—I—"

Harry was the one to bring you back to reality. "Professor."

"I have to—my girl is gone. I..." You trailed off, already stumbling out of the bathroom as Athena flew closely behind you to guard you. You must have looked like a madwoman, running out of the castle with blood all over you and drenching your robes, but you did not care. Hailey Abbott had been taken away, the house-elf protecting her killed, and you were losing everything that ever mattered to you. The world and your grip on it was quickly slipping out of your own fingers.

It felt like aeons until you hurried up the familiar steps to the apartment that your mother lived in, a blur of red and white as you rushed past and began pounding on the door. When it clicked open, you were not sure if your mother had a bigger reaction than you did, with the state the house was in and the state that _you_ were in. 

"W-What happened to you?!" She exclaimed, horrified at the blood soaking through you, but you could not find it in you to care, as you rushed up the stairs to the child's bedroom, and nearly collapsed at the sight of the broken bassinet in the middle. 

"It's not my blood," you said, as she followed you up. Bellatrix was in the corner of the room too, although looking much calmer than you were, but still shocked too, nonetheless.

The room was spinning before you. It felt like the universe was playing a very cruel joke, right then, with letting all the bad things in your life happen all at once and not allowing you to process a single thing. Draco's blood stuck uncomfortably to your clothes, as you gripped onto the doorframe to keep yourself from fainting. It was hard to even utter, "Where is she?!"

"I told you, from the start, that this was an insane idea that you toyed around with—"

"What a way to blame the victim, isn't it?!" Bellatrix yelled at your mother before she could finish, and as your eyes met hers, she knew the gratitude you carried for her then. It was incredibly harrowing, staring at the toys left behind, the wardrobes torn through, the state the room was in. _I cannot believe—_

Then it hit you. _Of course, of course not!_ You immediately jumped, and rushing forward to look through the toys, before heading to the wardrobe and sifting through the clothes, you knew it was not the time to sigh a sigh of relief yet, but the comfort it gave you was immeasurable. "She's not dead."

"What was that, Ravenclaw?" Bellatrix approached you. 

"She's not dead! Look, whoever took her took her favourite toys, and—and some of her clothes. She's not dead, she's just—we have to find her!" You moved to run out of the room, but your mother caught you before you could leave. 

"My girl," she said, shaking her head at you. "I think you and I know who took her, and at this rate, trying to get her back from... _him_ would only be a suicide mission."

"No, no...he wouldn't keep her alive, I'm sure of it! The Dark Lord didn't take her, mother, it's got to be someone we know, someone who wants to take her from Bellatrix and I, and we have to go find them now!"

But even you knew, Bellatrix knew, that searching for her at that point, was futile. There was no way she would be in the streets nearby, and without an identified attacker by a witness (because whoever did saw them, got killed _damn it_ ), you were looking for a needle in a haystack, realistically. You searched tirelessly through the night, visiting any other Death Eater that might have known her, and although Bellatrix was with you every step of the way, you still felt as if she did not provide any comfort when you nearly lost it in the sidewalk on a street near Malfoy Manor, crouching down under a street lamp and crying your eyes out. There were one or two late-night passersby looking at you strangely, even catcalling the both of you at some point, but with Bellatrix's glare and a few flicks of her wand, they were shut up immediately and you could not find it in you to care what happened to them. It felt like your world was crashing, all rational thought being passed, and you were at ends on how to go on further.

You had to stop at one point, eventually you realised as you walked up and down the street nearby the apartment, with some sick hope that she would have just gotten lost _there,_ but to no avail. You were growing tired, and you knew they needed you back at Hogwarts as witness to whatever happened with Harry and Draco. It was beyond devastating, and it worried you to no end with what could have happened to Hailey Abbott, but what made you hate yourself even further was the fact that you were starting to believe what your mother said about _assuming the girl was as good as dead_ at that point. And it was not like the kidnapper had left you anything to work with; if it had been a ransom, they would have known you would give up anything to get her back, if it had been a murder, you knew they would have left her body there as a jarring reality for what you had to face. But it was neither of those things, and the sooner you realised that you were looking at dead ends on a girl who was definitely alive but definitely impossible to find, the sooner you were facing reality. 

7th May 1997

By sunrise, your return to Hogwarts was inevitable. So you did all you could do then; deploying as many house-elves you could gather to find the girl, and even appealing for your own owl to go and find her through a letter addressed to her. It was not much, but you were hopeful and stuck and frankly, left with nothing. Still, even as you stepped foot in your own quarters that morning, seeing Severus get ready for the day and everything about your life at Hogwarts _worlds away_ from your life with the girl and Bellatrix, it was enough to make you completely break down in front of _him._

"Hey, hey, what is going on?" Severus surged forward to hold you as you fell and sobbed into him. He had no idea why you were so upset with _Harry and Draco's situation,_ especially since you did not know that Harry's use of _Sectumsempra_ came from him and his own Potions textbook. That fact had been troubling him all night too, and he had yearned to tell you that when you returned from whatever it was Harry said you had to leave for, but seeing you in the state that you were in, he clearly pushed his own thoughts to the back of his mind as he comforted you first.

Your answer came in racks and sobs, and Severus could barely hear whatever story you were telling him without getting too confused as well. You had blocked out your own mind, telling him a story you made up yourself on the way because _you knew how he would react, how he would tell you "I told you so" in all the ways possible,_ and you could not take it from anyone else that night. You would physically crumble if you needed to hear it from your own husband, too. So with no way to perform Legilimency on you, as well as having no idea what you were trying to tell him, all he could do was pull you further into his comfort and laid you down on the bed he just made for the both of you. Shushing you quietly and holding you close until your cries finally subsided and you were calm enough to respond to him again, Severus decided not to push, eventually. _It was probably another harrowing Death Eater mission, and who am I to judge her for what she had to go through? Merlin knows had anyone else been in her position, they probably would not have endured it as strongly as she had._

It was then that the man made up his mind to take an off-day for the both of you, rendering the Defence Against the Dark Arts periods free for the day while he took care of you. It was the least he could do, as he took off his own teaching robes then, and settled back onto the bed after you got changed to his sleeping clothes. By then, his anger for Harry and whatever trouble he had caused by obtaining Severus' own book (which, he still could not get out of the boy, by the way), had dissipated, as he focused his attention solely on you instead. Settling next to you that morning, you instinctively sought for refuge in his arms, and combined with the exhaustion both your mind and body had gone through, you drifted off to sleep before you could even utter one more word to the man.


	16. My Prince

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning nsfw

7th May 1997

It was already nearly sunset, by the time you woke up. Severus was still beside you, though already going through a few of his papers and marking stacks of essays the best he could on the bed, and you groaned when he looked at you and smiled. 

"Why'd you let me sleep for so long?" You rolled over to the other side of the bed, and noticing the time on the clock, you jumped. "Severus! I missed a whole day of classes!"

But he had made you roll back to face him, putting down his own work to cradle your face in his hands again. "Don't worry about that now, my love, I've taken care of it. Are you alright? What happened...earlier?"

Your eyes glazed over for a moment, deep in thought, before you replied him, "I...I lost someone. Someone I had made friends with as a Death Eater."

"I understand," Severus empathised, relief flooding his bones at your confession. At least then, he knew how to comfort you. "Would you like to talk about it, or a distraction?" 

It was not like talking about it would make things any better, and it would only make you feel worse about all that you had carelessly done to end up losing the girl in such a manner. You needed to go to find her again sometime soon, but right then, you needed something to take your mind off of her while you settled your own business at Hogwarts. "A distraction."

Severus nodded, and allowed you to lay your head on his shoulder as he told you the subsequent events of the night then, from what happened with Draco in the infirmary to how he chose to deal with Harry. He would have thought that you would disapprove of the detentions he was giving, to fight with him for a lighter sentence, and frankly, he was ready to refute you on it, but you said nothing. You agreed with him, surprisingly, and allowed him to vent out his frustrations on the boys as well as what he had to do after to you. It was strangely comforting, Severus thought, to be able to do that with you. Lately, he had not had the chance to speak to you much about the troubles clouding his mind, since he knew that you had your own troubles too, but spending the rest of the evening and well into the night with you, telling you about anything and everything that he was having problems with, you would never know just the weight you lifted off his shoulders just by listening and understanding.

But finally, the topic had moved to the final thing that had been bothering Severus so much in the past few weeks. He hated to have to bring it up again, but he felt like he had to. He needed you to understand just how important _having another child_ meant to him right then and there.

"(y/n)," he called, still unsure, but pushing forward nonetheless. "About yesterday, the _child_ thing..."

With the news of Hailey Abbott, coupled with the fact that you were not in the mood to discuss it with him any longer, you were wary of him even bringing it up then. "Severus, let's not do this now."

But he had gotten up into a sitting position, facing you. "No, we have to, because I need to tell you this. I want more. I want more with you, you know? I love you so much, and you are enough, don't ever think that you are not, but I want more, and more of you. I want to see it in the form of our child, a mini-you running around, capturing my heart the way the real you did, a mini-you that I will love and cherish as much as I love and cherish you too. It's—It's—"

"Severus, drop this," you warned, turning away from him. Your annoyance with him was growing by the second, but you chose to remain calm, for now. "It's insane, is what it is." 

"No, you don't understand. I want a child so badly, my love. It scares me, of course, but it excites me so much as well. I know you think it's irrational—"

 _"Insane,"_ you corrected. "Insane, and you already have the children of Hogwarts if you wanted one so badly. You see them everyday."

"—It's irrational, but this was not a decision that I had come to in the spur of the moment. I've thought about this for quite some time now, and I've asked Minerva, Sprout, what they all think about it, and—"

"And what do they think about it?"

"Well, they were initially worried about the risks it would pose to you, while you were still pregnant, if the war does swing into a sudden action earlier, but they were all _supportive_ of it in the end! And—and _we're married now,_ my love, we're ready. If we don't start now, we'll be too—"

"Severus, I really don't see why we can't do this later."

"Oh will you stop cutting me off!" The man cried, suddenly frustrated. He moved to hold your hands in his then, and continued, "Listen, my love, I am afraid of losing you in this war, as you are of losing me, we both know this. And you think this is a foolish thing to do, but here I am, choosing to pour my heart out to you, to tell you that no matter what, I am staying by your side and that we will be together forever. I rarely have control over the things in my life, you said so yourself, had it not been for you, I would have been stuck being Dumbledore and The Dark Lord's puppet until the end of the war, and now I am taking control over the things I can control. I want a child with you, because for once, I just...it's all I could ever want, alright? I won't leave you and the child behind, I swear, but with the way everything is going, nothing is certain and I just want to make _us_ certain. I've never had a proper family growing up, and my father, well, you know what he is. I want to be the exact opposite that he is, to right his wrongs, and to make sure that our child will never have to go through what I went through. Please, my love, I ask for nothing more, and I can die in peace after I have this. Please, please let me have a family."

"Sev..." You did not even know what to reply him. With the way he was pleading with you, and the fact that you knew this was his puzzle piece, his missing piece to complete his life, you had no idea how you were to deny him of that. Letting go of your hand from his and moving to caress his face with it, past his slight stubble and his tired eyes, you were finding it harder and harder to say no. And some part of you hated that he was right; that if not now, when? Things were just going to get worse from the looks of it, and with the rare time frame that you had been given, it would be foolish not to make use of it right then.

"Please," He pulled you up towards him, holding you so tightly against his body that it felt like he was holding on for dear life. "Please, please."

He heard you sigh, and his heart fell. _No, no,_ he thought. You were going to reject him once again, tell him to drop it and never bring it up until after the war, and he was not sure he could handle that. Severus was used to getting deprived of the things he yearned for, and this time, he thought, it would be no different. Only this time, he did not know why, but the thought of not getting this one thing that he wanted, it brought him so much despair that he could not fathom a world without it. He felt like you were bringing his world down in front of him. Severus moved to beg again, this time, but you held your finger up to his lips. 

"Okay," you said, letting out a small smile at him. "Okay, we can start trying." 

You had not even finished your sentence, before you were thrown back onto the bed and the man holding you had started tearing through your clothes. Chuckling incredulously at him, you let your smile grow as you saw his own mirroring yours, and you swore in that moment, you had never seen Severus look more happy than he ever did in the past few months.

8th May 1997

You felt like you could barely even stand from the bed, let alone walk, from the intensity that Severus had presented you with the previous night. So to have a repeat of it all again in the morning, it was plain torture for you and your poor legs. However, for Severus, it was simply another opportunity to get what he wanted, and when you finally stirred from the comforts of sleep to discover that the man had gone down between your legs, under the covers, you groaned, half in pleasure, half in pain. 

"Sev," you breathed, your hand going down to hold his hair in an attempt to pull his mouth away, but he simply held it down by his side, refusing to let you move. "Sev, we did it like five times last night. I'm very tired and sore, and very sure that I still have more than half of your volume deep inside me."

It triggered something guttural in the man, as he grinned wickedly against you and threatened to pick you up and bend you over his desk again, but you had lifted the covers and forced him to look up at you then. Pouting, you showed him your wrists and sat up to let him see the bruises and wounds that he had left on you the previous night, _pleading_ for him to stop it. He faltered for a moment, and you thanked the heavens that he considered stopping, but then he held your hand softly, and muttered, "So how about we switch things up a bit? You have courteously let me have my way with you last night, so let me show you just how gentle, how much of a princess, I can treat you too."

"I really...I don't think I can, Severus."

"You can, and you will. That's what you've always told me, isn't it?" He challenged, a playful smirk already on his lips. 

"I have created a monster," you sighed, but he had given you no time to react, as he slid down once again to finish what he started. With his expert skills and agile movements, you could not say you were surprised when he mercifully let you finish on his tongue another two times, before he finally moved up to capture your lips in his, allowing you to taste yourself. You were already perspiring, from the intensity that you had crashed down with, but if you knew anything about the man you loved, was that he was nowhere nearly done, and he had almost twice the stamina you had when it came to these things.

He carefully laid you down on the bed, spread-eagle, as his left hand held yours, while his right hand carefully guided himself inside you. Even after all this time, after countless times you had been with him, you always found him too large for you, and most times, with the way that his rough manners dictated his style in bed, he would not give you time to adjust as you cried out in pain before he would start thrusting and slowly turn that pain into pleasure. But this time, you watched as he slowly entered, giving you the time to look him over, letting your hand roam over his scars on his back, the taut muscles there flexing under your touch. His narrow hips let you comfortably adjust yourself on the bed as he moved, and you sighed in relief when he had finally filled himself to the hilt and pressed a kiss on your lips. You had never felt so full, and with the way his heated skin flushed against yours, never so close to him.

Severus, too, was lost in ecstasy. This was better than he had ever imagined, and to take things slow and steady with you, it filled him with a different kind of satisfaction and pleasure altogether. Your warmth enveloping him, the tightness he was in, he could come right then and there, but he had to stop himself, and so he held back, even with your pleading and encouragements for him to move. "Sev."

"Severus, move," you said again, but he shook his head, still trying to gain control of himself before he came too fast all over you. You were growing tense, and your hands ached to relieve yourself, so with a last resort, you used a nickname that you had never used before. _"My prince, please move."_

It awakened something deep inside Severus as his eyes snapped towards yours, his lips parting in surprise. "How—what—?"

You gave him a look, before smiling. "I assume you like the nickname, _my prince?"_

But he had already immediately started thrusting, the name doing wonders to him as his body listened to you instead. He was on a high then, the nickname he had given himself, his mother's last name, the one he associated himself with when he was younger, it was baffling how he never told you about it, but your use of it was spurring him on. A string of moans fell from your mouth as his hips snapped against yours repeatedly, hitting that spongy spot inside of you that made your toes curl and and your eyes roll to the back of your head. Finally, he looked back up at you, and uttered, "If you continue to call me that from now on, you can forget about leaving this bed altogether, my love."

Chuckling, you decided to tease him a little further. "And here I thought," you were cut off by another moan, for he had pushed deeper than he ever had into you and remained still. "That me calling you _daddy_ every time we sleep together would elicit a better response than that."

That had done it, as the words you just said shot straight through his head and into his senses, and the coil that had been forming on the lower part of Severus' stomach finally snapped. He came with a loud grunt, as you jerked and welcomed him in while climaxing as well, and you cried out when you could physically _feel_ him emptying himself into you. You were completely filled up with his seed, and you were sure that most of it had gone straight to your cervix, with the remaining bit leaking out even when the man had not pulled out yet. 

Severus' skin was hot and sweaty then, as he collapsed on top of you, the whole weight of his body pinning you down. You panted against him, and with him still sheathed deep inside of you, began pressing kisses on his shoulder as he jerked from the aftershocks of it all and tried to calm himself down.

Finally, as the clock struck the time for breakfast and the rest of the castle sleepily got up, Severus smiled against your skin and slowly pulled out, inch by inch, painfully. You whined at the loss, and the man laughed at your complaints of feeling empty for a moment, before he sat up again, and in a deliberate move, lifted your hips high in the air with his hands. Your eyebrows shot to the roof, but he merely kissed your thigh, before gathering the fluids that had leaked out and pushed it back in with his fingers. Finally, he patted his palm on your entrance teasingly, before saying, "Just to make sure, we've got as much as possible inside you."

You rolled your eyes at him, but he only lifted you higher, as if it would make the sperm go deeper inside with the angle you were at. "Severus, you came so much and so deeply inside me, that if I don't get pregnant by the end of the week, it would be a miracle. There's no need to—"

But you were cut off by a loud cry erupting from your own throat, as he suddenly dived his tongue deep into you, as if to shut you up. "SEVERUS!"

He smirked, and your hands hurriedly flew to his head to pull him back forcefully. "I'm not joking this time, if you bring me over one more time, I actually think I will pass out. I really can't, Sev."

"I know, I know," he replied, pulling away, his chin still dribbling from you. "I just needed you to shut up and let me enjoy you for a moment, my love."

The man narrowly missed the pillow you instantly threw at him, chuckling as he moved up the bed to embrace you one last time before the both of you had to start preparing for work.


	17. The Letters

23rd May 1997

Throwing your travelling cloak and hat onto the pristine white sofa of the apartment, you had not even heard your mother coming down the stairs to greet you. You would have thought that she had been called away into another mission; she had been very busy lately, but alas there she was, resisting the urge to nag at you for ruining her furniture when she saw your face. 

"Still no luck?" She asked, as if she did not already know the answer. 

"I wanted to contact Muggle authorities," you said, rubbing your hand over your sore shoulder. "Bellatrix wouldn't let me."

You knew she did not know what to say then, what to say or do that could possibly comfort you losing a child, of all things. She had been dancing around you and your emotions for weeks, never quite knowing how to approach you, always staying a distance away. You guessed that must have been what years of distance and not knowing your child did to people, because the way she knew you, it was almost like knowing an acquaintance that she had stopped talking to for years.

Still, you decided to cut her some slack, noticing the greying of her hair as well. It was halfway through the afternoon, but still, she looked exhausted. "Have you just got back from somewhere?"

The woman was quite surprised that you chose to speak to her in more of a casual tone, if anything. It filled her with a sense of joy that she would never care to admit. "Yes, I was at the Ministry earlier. Got a few more Aurors on our side."

You nodded, and watched as a house-elf ran past you to gather your coat and things. And to think that a few weeks ago, the one before him had just been brutally murdered in the very same spot he was in then, with his throat and abdomen slashed and his limbs nearly dismembered. It was horrifying for even you, you could not imagine what it must have been like to his fellow house-elves. _Whoever killed him could have used the Killing Curse, but they must have enjoyed watching him suffer, losing the life in his eyes as they killed him._

"Get some sleep, mother," you said later, already trudging up the stairs to lock yourself in Hailey Abbott's bedroom. She muttered something incoherent below, but you could not find it in you to care, as you turned and shut the door then.

Apparently, decorating a room, as much as people claim it was not, was much easier than clearing out a room. At least, in the sense that you were in. As you slowly picked up the broken pieces of the bassinet that you had not had the strength to look at again after what happened, you remembered distinctly watching the house-elves set it up for you, stepping in at some points to help them out and being met with vehement protests and disagreeing shrieks, and it brought a faint smile to your face. Then, looking at the dresser that used to belong to your own room being moved there to house the few clothes that the girl had, as well as the empty toy box that you purchased for her in Diagon Alley, it was all becoming too real, too jarring for you.

But you needed that room cleared anyway; for your sake and the girl's. Hope was running thin by then, and each day, the grief was only becoming more and more difficult to accept. _Perhaps cleaning her room would finally ease it for me, make things a little simpler,_ you thought, as you began moving the broken pieces in the room with your wand and disposing of them. Packing the remaining toys into the boxes and shoving them into the small storage room along with all her other supplies, it was almost like moving in a trance for you. The house-elves desperately ran around, trying to help, but you refused to let them do so every time, and although it took a little longer than expected to complete everything, it was still slightly therapeutic by the time you stuffed the last package of supplies in the storage.

Shutting the second last drawer of the dresser, your eyes caught suddenly caught onto the last drawer, or more specifically, the piece of parchment sticking out of it irritatingly. By then, you were warm and wanted nothing more than to take a break for a while, so you hurriedly grabbed it and moved to shut it in the dresser before the house-elves were due to move it back to your room the next day. 

However, as you grabbed it and pulled open the drawer, you caught your eyes widening when a flurry of other stray parchments flew out right then. The drawer had been full of them, stacked to the brim, and as you held onto one and inspected it closer, you realised that that piece, along with all the other pieces, were scribbled on with your mother's handwriting. They were dated from as early as the year before you were born, which meant that she had started writing them when she first got pregnant. 

A house-elf peeked into the room then, and wandlessly, you shut the door and locked it immediately, kneeling down to scoop out more and more of the parchments. They were all written in the expensive blue ink you always recognised her addressing her letters in, and all of them had been addressed to _you_.

You picked up the one dated two months before your birthday. 

_My little girl,  
Your father and I finally agreed on your name today, two months before you are to due to fill our world with your presence. It's exciting, isn't it? We had been trying for so long, and when we received the news that you were coming soon, we felt as if we were the luckiest people in the world. We cannot wait to meet you, darling._

The next one was written in the summer of the year you turned four. 

_My little girl,  
One of the places we lived in when you were just a baby was Wiltshire, and today, we have just sold that house in place for an even bigger house, sweetheart. We needed more room for you to play and grow up in, of course, and you know we want nothing but the best for you. When you grow up, everything we have, everything your father and I own, will be yours, and I cannot wait to see the beautiful young woman you will turn out to be. You know I would be proud of you no matter what._

There was one from before the night before you left for Hogwarts for the very first time. Presumably, it was probably the last time she wrote to you as well, considering the events that happened after.

_My little girl,  
Tomorrow you will officially fly free from the safety of our arms, to begin your journey as a young, brilliant witch. You know, your father and I argued for quite a bit about sending you to Hogwarts. He wanted you to go to Beauxbatons, you see, but I believed Hogwarts is the right school for you. I have full trust and faith in Albus Dumbledore, and I know he will be a man that you can rely on through and through. He has assured me of your safety, you see, and I am confident that you will do well in that school, we have brought you up well._

By this time, seeing the endearing manner that she had written to you with and thinking about all the years you thought that _she never loved you,_ you knew you were already holding back tears. It was maddeningly frustrating, your relationship with her, as you tossed the last one into the air and watched it descend slowly, drifting and drifting, until it landed right beside you again. You were surrounded, lying on the pieces of parchment where she had written to you every single week ever since she found out that she was expecting, and you were not sure what you were supposed to feel, now that there was _proof_ that your mother loves, or at least loved, you before everything else. How excited she had been to find out she was expecting you, to when she first carried you in her arms, to when she was watching you take your first steps, you would never have expected that of her. She had never mentioned the letters as well, which made it even more agonising. 

Right then, your hand landed on top of another one, swearing that it was the last one for the day before you would pack it up and avoid suspicion, and brought it up. However, you blinked in surprise when it was dated a month into your third year, when they had abandoned you and went into hiding, leaving you under the care of Dumbledore. _How could it get here?_ You instantly sat up, and looking through where that initial piece first came from, you saw that there were tons of others that came after you were sorted into Ravenclaw, after the war, too. 

_My little girl,  
I trust that you are settling down into the new Hogwarts academic year well. Dumbledore tells me you are at the top of your classes, and you show an exceptional talent for Quidditch. That is good, and I am very happy to hear that you are doing well. I miss you terribly, you see, when your father and I had to go into hiding. When you grow up, I know you will think that what we did was a cowardly move, that abandoning you was the worst thing we could have done, but that is not true, darling. I wanted you to be safe, above all, and I cannot ensure that if we had brought you with us and not left you in the care of Dumbledore. We have made grave mistakes joining the other side, you know, and I do not want you to turn out the way I have turned out. So I trust that you will do your best in your studies, grow up and get a honourable job at the Ministry, marry a good man, and live out the rest of your life in happiness. Your father and I will always be loving, caring for you in silence, you know this. We love you, no matter what._

It must have been hours before you dared to move. By then, the tears that had started to fall were drying on your cheeks already, while your head still spun, reading and rereading the last letter. It was gut-wrenching, the thought of her still _loving you_ despite it all, when you had been conditioned to think that they left because they could not take the sight of you being in any other house other than Slytherin any longer. _All the time lost, all the time I spent being resentful,_ you thought, berating yourself. Finally, after another half hour, there was a brief incantation of _Alohomora,_ before the door opened again. "The house-elf tells me you've been in here for--" Your mother's words were cut off, as she saw the state of the room and what you were lying down on.

Your eyes met hers, and she looked away for a moment, as if to catch her breath. Then, she shut the door too, and walked over to where you were, before picking up the letter in your hands. 

"I never meant...I didn't know you would find this," she said after a moment, studying the other letters all around. She sat down next to you. "You already hated me by the time I got to see you again, that it's just--"

She had been tackled into a hug before she could finish, nearly falling over before she could wrap her arms around you too. Before she knew it, more tears were drenching her own robes, and your sobs filled the room once more. It caught her off-guard at first, but at the realisation that the last time she hugged you, the last time she felt this close to her own daughter, was probably on the train station before you left for Hogwarts for the very first time, it brought tears to her own eyes and suddenly, you were the one that was being held tighter than ever.

11th June 1997

"I'm just worried, you know, it's been more than a month since we've started trying." You were stopped in your tracks by Severus' hand on your arm, concern lining his features.

"And it's _only been a month,_ Sev, you need to have patience." You pulled your arm away, quickly checking your schedule for your next class. 

"I know, it's just...Dumbledore's mission for me, it's drawing closer and closer, and although I don't know when, I know it's coming soon. And we're still not expecting."

"Dumbledore's mission, which you haven't told me about, by the way," you said, your eyes on the book in front of you. However, you could feel Severus stiffen beside you at the insinuation, and glanced towards him. 

"My love, you know—"

"Yes, I was kidding, Severus. I know you can't tell me, and I trust you, whatever we always say."

But he had stopped walking. You turned, and coaxed, "Severus, come on, I wasn't serious. Whatever it is, I have faith in you that you will do it for the good of the Wizarding world. I understand, alright?"

"I feel guilty."

"You don't have to. Now I have a class I need to get to, and I'm running late," You approached him, giving him a kiss to reassure him. Your hands on his sides then, you let out a smile. "I'm taking another pregnancy test with Madam Pomfrey later on, the one with the blood work so it'll be more definitive. I'll let you know tonight?" 

He nodded, though still averting his gaze from you. 

"Don't stress yourself out, Sev. I will see you later."

30th June 1997

On the afternoon of the last day of June, you were woken up by Athena squawking loudly in the room, waking up not only you, but a very tired Severus, who, had not slept for the past few days because of the nature of the meeting he had to endure with The Dark Lord. 

"What is it?" You asked through her pecking at your neck, not stopping until you nearly swatted her away before you even grabbed the letter in her beak yourself.

"I told you you should've sold her and got yourself a toad, or something," Severus added, burying his head into the pillow to drown her out. 

But you had already jumped out of bed, furiously reading through the letter over and over again to make sure that it was real. _There is no way._ "They've found her."

"What?" Severus mumbled, though already half-asleep again. 

"They've found her," you repeated, before letting out a sharp breath. "I have to go, Severus. I will be back before sunset!" 

You were putting on your travelling cloak and getting ready to rush out by then, but Severus suddenly groaned and turned to you again. He studied you for a moment, as if he wanted to say something, but chose not to eventually. In return, although you noticed, you did not point it out, the euphoria already filling your bones by then. Instead, you stepped forward and planted a kiss to his forehead, as his hands moved up to embrace you for a moment. "I will come back, I always do, don't you worry."

Grunting, he nodded, before muttering an _I love you_ as he watched you leave.

However, as you made it to the proposed meeting place, a dark, dilapidated housing estate far from where you would have thought she would be in, you were starting to scold yourself for jumping so quickly at the opportunity. The place was somehow cold despite the approaching summer, and as you entered the house, strikingly similar to the one you first found the Abbotts at, a sinking feeling landed in your gut that you may have just done something you were going to regret. 

A single folding chair was in the middle of the sitting room, and sat on it, was Narcissa Malfoy. Your breath caught in your throat as you approached, while her eyes never left yours. 

"Narcissa." As you got closer, you realised that the woman had been crying, her eyes red and puffy. 

"Please," she begged, getting up. "I didn't—I didn't know what else to do, she threatened me with Draco's life, then Lucius'—"

"Narcissa, what are you talking about?" You asked, but in an instant, the woman had drawn her wand, and your instincts reacted faster than your mind, as your own was under her chin a second after. Apparently, your speed had not been expected, as the woman took a step back. 

"She said—she said that with you gone, Severus would have his full attention on protecting my son, and we could get Lucius out of Azkaban earlier, but I know Voldemort—Voldemort wants you alive—"

"Why are you using his name, Narcissa?" 

"Because there is no way the two of us are going to leave this house alive! And with your speed and agility and—and—with everyone saying how good of a duelist you are, I don't think it will be me," She cried out, tears returning to her eyes. The woman looked like she was going to break. "I just wanted...to save Draco." 

"You were told to kill me?" You asked, and watched the woman nod. At this, you sighed, and bit the inside of your cheek until it bled while staring incredulously at the peeling paint on the walls. _Just when life is going well for me,_ you thought, because unlike you, Narcissa Malfoy had more people to live for, more people that needed her, and once again, it would be unfair if _you_ were the one who survived this. The whole thing was unfair, and you so desperately wished things could be different. 

Raising your wand, Narcissa made a move to deflect whatever spell you were going to cast, but her eyes widened as she watched you drop it, greeting the floor and rolling away. "I cannot kill you, Narcissa." 

"THEN WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN?!" She shrieked, throwing her wand straight at you. You caught it in front of you, your eyes hardly believing what was happening. "Y-You, and Severus, you protected Draco, saved him from Harry Potter that night, and I cannot—I cannot do this. She told me it would be easier once I saw you and saw just the possibilities of having Severus throwing everything to protect my son, that I got the easier part of this, killing you instead of Hadriana, but..."

"Narcissa," You said after she drifted off, "Who is _she?_ "

When the woman bit her tongue, looked away, and refused to answer, was when you knew. She had always been the softer sister, the one who stepped back from the action, the easily manipulated one. Then, a whole different sensation of terror and dread filled you instead, and you immediately threw her back the wand. "And where is she?"

"She's supposed to be at Hogwarts...tonight. To kill Hadriana and get the diadem."

"Hogwarts?" You could only register that word. "She can't get into Hogwarts."

"Unfortunately, she can. Draco's been," Narcissa winced, shaking her head. "Draco's been slowly allowing them inside. He's figured out how." 

_Severus. I need to go, now._ Narcissa could detect the panic and fear in your eyes then, and strangely, she sympathised. She was about to step forward, to tell you that she would try to cover for you, to tell everyone that you were dead and found somewhere else, but you had already picked up your own wand, and her heart dropped to her stomach when you pointed it at her again. 

"I'm sorry, Narcissa. It's Severus, you see," you said. 

"Wait, no—"

But the words _Crucio_ had already left your mouth, and instantly, the woman in front of you crumbled to the ground in pain, unsuspecting of the attack, and once her wand had rolled far away from her and allowed you to pick it up, you stopped the Curse. With a _Stupefy,_ she was left immobilised, as you pulled the hood over your travelling cloak then, giving her a sorry look while her own infuriated ones were hexing you in her mind. She was compromised, but as horrible as you felt for doing that to her, you could not find it in you to do anything else. There was no choice left, and you needed to get to Severus. 

"I have to go back to Hogwarts," you said to her, before finally shutting the door and disapparating.


	18. Do You Trust Me?

30th June 1997

Chaos had ensued upon Hogwarts. Right at the edge of Hogsmeade, the Dark Mark was unmistakeable in the sky above the school, and you felt your throat go dry. _No, no, I've been lured, distracted, while they infiltrated the school._ You wondered if Severus even knew, if he was alright inside, as you took to your heels and immediately hurtled straight towards the castle. It was raining heavily, and your shoes sloshed in the soft ground as you ran, the rain beating down on your back while your fears clouded your mind then. This was fear like you never felt before, and suddenly, your thoughts were drifting towards your Ravenclaws, Minerva, Ron, Hermione, and _Harry_. Cursing loudly, you wished you had the ability to fly, and ran even faster. 

Your lungs burning, you barely had time to catch your breath before you arrived at the right wing of the school and a Death Eater had gripped his cold, pale hands onto you. It was Amycus, and your face turned white as he suddenly pulled you up and nearer to where a raging battle was ongoing, stretching far towards the other hallways and corridors, where you spotted Minerva, Ginny Weasley, and another student you could not recognise fighting _Death Eaters._

He called out to his sister then, and yelled, "We have the _Ravenclaw!_ Alecto, we're safe, she's here!"

Amycus then turned to you, and giggled. "The best duelist we have with us tonight, to take over what has been required of us. You're The Dark Lord's favourite, you won't—"

But you had jammed the wand in your other hand straight towards him, sending red sparks flying and immediately setting fire to his clothes. He screamed, and as he clawed and slapped at his clothes, trying to extinguish it, you used the chance to slip away and run towards Minerva. The man screamed _traitor_ as loudly as he could, but you knew he was done for the moment your reflexes kicked in for you and set an inextinguishable fire on him. 

"Crucio!" The Death Eater that had knocked Minerva to the ground, ready to launch another attack towards her, suddenly fell backward in agony. His eyes met yours, fury greeting you as the black travelling cloak you wore, gifted by The Dark Lord and a sign of your loyalty itself, gleaned behind you. Through his pain, he tried reaching for his wand again, but you were quicker, and sent him flying with a burst of energy to the corner of the room, hitting his head so hard against the pillar that he instantly blacked out. You looked over at the woman beside you, and although there were no words exchanged between the both of you, she understood. You were out of time, and there was no opportunity to catch you up. The both of you needed to get rid of the Death Eaters first.

Severus was nowhere to be seen, as a Death Eater tackled you from behind right when you shot his friend away from Ron, and even as his hands flew to smash your head against the wall, even as you dodged a Killing Curse from another, you still could not find Severus in the midst of the battle anywhere. _Had he been called away, at this exact time? Was he somewhere else? Or was he—_

No, you refused to allow yourself to think of the possibility. Narrowly missing yet another jet of green light, this time with it right in front of your eyes, you pushed your attacker off of you and set out to hit him with the Cruciatus Curse too, but suddenly, as if by sheer bad luck, a staggering wizard with almost the weight of a giant tackled you, pinning you to the ground as he growled in your ear. Between the menacing voice that you recognised, and the unmasked manner that your attacker was in that you saw from the corner of your eye, as well as the grey hair that had fallen into your face, it as unmistakeable that it was Fenrir Greyback. 

"You thought none of us would know who you are, didn't you? Always keeping your mask on during meetings, you thought you were safe if you betrayed us?!" He flipped you over, and as his long, yellowish teeth grinned at you, you felt terror rip through your whole being. " _Little Ravenclaw,_ did you think you could get out of here alive?!"

Fenrir was salivating, as he looked you up and down hungrily. "I should just make you mine, right here, right now. Make you live in as much pain as all the other werewolves, for what you have done. With the prettiest eyes and the softest skin, I wonder if your beauty would be the only thing that remains when I am done with you."

"Please, Fenrir, we were—" But his teeth had snapped at you, and you threw your head back further into the floor as his saliva dripped down onto your neck, sending jolt after jolt of disgust and fear through you. There was nothing you could do, you were pinned underneath him, and your wand was sticking uncomfortably into your back as you struggled against him. He cackled, and as he got closer and closer, the horrid stench of decaying flesh from his mouth and the crazed look in his eyes all that you could take in. _This is it, this is the end of me._ His teeth snapping ravenously, you saw that he had moved downwards, ready to take a chunk off of your neck and turn you into one of _them._

But suddenly, with a hot, white flash, Fenrir howled as a jet knocked him off of you, sending him hurtling right at another Death Eater. The weight that had been prohibiting you to breathe properly was lifted, as you shut your eyes and cried out. It was terrifying, what almost happened, and your body was refusing to listen to your mind to _get up, get up and fight again._ You were frozen; unable to move at all, until large, strong arms forced you to stand, and shook you roughly to prompt you to open your eyes. 

It was Severus. He looked very much traumatised, his eyes carrying a mixture of emotions you could not place. Quickly checking him over for injuries, you could not contain the relief you felt when you saw that he was unscathed. Draco was behind him, but before you could even utter a word, Severus had pulled you to him, prompting you to run alongside him.

"My love, _now_ is the time. The thing I told you about, the thing Dumbledore has asked of me to do," he said, as your eyes shot backwards to Draco, who looked like he had just seen the terrors of his worst fears. 

"Severus—"

"Do you trust me? Do you trust me, over everybody else? No matter what anyone else says, would you take my word before you took theirs?" He pressed, forcing you to face him. "I will explain all of this in due time, my love, _but I need you to trust me now."_

"Are we running away, Severus?"

The man nodded, and you bit back your doubts then. "Of course. Of course I trust you, let's go." 

Past the fierce battle all around you, towards the Hogwarts grounds, you let Draco run in between you and Severus as the man led the way, blocking and deflecting spells aimed towards the boy from behind. You could not even see who was chasing you, distracted by the blood roaring in your ears and the hard palpitations in your chest, as the three of you plunged through hallway after hallway, down the stairs past the Hufflepuff common rooms, and by every shortcut that Severus knew of. At one point, Draco stumbled on the last step of a staircase, and as you caught him and prevented him from falling over, a jet of red flew right past the corner of your eye, and before you knew it, a blasting, red-hot pain had erupted in your right ear. Letting go of the boy to hold onto it, you were not surprised when your hand immediately drew back bloody. But there was no time, Severus was getting ahead, and although Draco spared a moment to look at you with worry, you forced him to keep running, your bloodstained hand on his cloak to ensure that you caught up with Severus.

Finally tearing past the Entrance Hall and into the grounds, you were joined by Antonin Dolohov and a few others as they sprinted to Severus too. Draco was growing tired by then, but you pushed him even further, supporting him even as the battle raged on behind you in the castle, even as you thought of leaving _the Order_ to fend off the rest of the Death Eaters, even as the scary thought of what Severus was really doing gripped at your heart. 

Another flash, shouts, retaliatory jets of light which was made harder to see because of the rain, but you finally understood as the huge figure of Hagrid emerged, and aiming a direct jet at you, you ducked just in time, pushing Draco out of the way as well. Another spell flat-out hit the Death Eater in front of you, and even though Draco cried out in fear, almost reaching over to help her, you refused to let him do so, forcing him to continue while the rest broke off to fight Hagrid. Silently, you prayed that he would be fine, that he would be able to fight out the rest, but your hopes held low as by then, only you, Severus and Draco had managed to break out of the crowd and were nearing the bounds out of Hogwarts.

And all at once, the familiar voice that had screamed _Stupefy_ was all too familiar, and you nearly staggered as you whipped your head around to see that it had been _Harry_ chasing you. Severus stopped too, and instructed for Draco to escape first before he joined you, standing off to the boy.

"Cruc—"

You hit him with a hex and knocked him backwards before he could finish. Harry rolled over and scrambled back up again right as Hagrid's house suddenly caught on fire. With a newfound hatred fuelling him, he attempted the Curse again, but this time, it was Severus that blocked his spell from hitting the dancing figure in front of the burning hut.

"No Unforgivable Spells for you, Potter!" He shouted, all while his hand wrapped around your waist, pulling you backwards. Harry roared another spell, and he deflected it yet again, and again, and again. Desperation in his tone, the boy cried for Severus to _fight back,_ angering Severus too. 

"Coward, did you call me, Potter? Your father would never attack me unless it was four on one, what would you call him, I wonder?" You knew what Severus was doing. You knew he was riling the boy up to exhaust all his energy and power and to read his mind easier, but still, it was cutting and you wished for nothing more than for both of them to stop. 

This time, Harry took a different approach. He appealed to you instead. "Professor! You weren't here, you didn't know, but _Snape,_ your husband, killed Dumbledore! How can you blindly stand by him, defend and follow him like this?! I thought you were better than that!"

It got you to pause, ignoring the tugging on your waist. You turned to Severus then, but his eyes were still on Harry. "Severus, what is he saying? You killing Dumbledore?"

"That's right, he killed him, on the top of the Astronomy Tower, right in front of Fenrir Greyback, Malfoy, and me! I was there, Professor!"

"Severus, he's lying right?!" You shook the man, but he only gave you a glare. "Severus, what did you do?!"

But Severus had pulled you aside, and with his face so close to yours, he growled, "Now is the time to trust me, haven't I said that?! He's lying, he's trying to get to you, my love! Now, we have to go!"

"Did you know Bellatrix is here, Professor?!" Harry screamed. Severus sent you a look, but your head had already whipped back to Harry, memories of him remembering you called out her name flooding back. He was getting to you, and he knew it. "Bellatrix is here, and so is that woman we met in Hogsmeade that day! Your mother, wasn't she? You two looked so much alike."

"(y/n)..." Severus warned, trying to get you back to him, but you had already broken out of his grip, and began walking to Harry. 

"What else, Harry?" You implored, and the boy gripped his wand tighter. 

"While everyone else was fighting, Bellatrix was chasing your mother down the hallway, to the Room of Requirement. They weren't interested in the battle at all."

"(y/n!)" Severus cried, moving to pull you away from Harry, but in an instant, you had forced him back instead, your face so close to his he could feel your breath against his lips. "We have to go."

"No, you have to go, Severus," you corrected him, and forced his shaking head to look back at you again. "You and Draco have to go. I have to stay here. I have unfinished business." 

"Don't do this, my love. You and I know if we don't leave now—" He started, but he was cut off with you suddenly raising your wand and aiming a _Stupefy_ straight at Harry. The boy could not deflect it in time, and fell to the ground frozen. His green eyes lit with angry flames, but he could do nothing, as he struggled to scream, cry, whatever it was, to get out of the spell.

"There, I've given you time," you said, cupping Severus' face. The rain was heavier than ever, soaking your clothes and his, and you swept the hair that had stuck to his face gracefully, begging him to understand. "I love you, Severus, no matter what happens. I'm not going to let you down, and we will be together very soon, alright? Wait for me, wherever you are, my love."

You blinked the rainwater out of your eyes for a moment, because by then, you were not sure if your tears had been mixed with it as well, and allowed yourself a clear view of Severus. His eyes carried desperation, despair, not understanding _why you were not going with him._ Gripping onto you harder, he tried, really tried, to hold onto you and make sure that you left with him, but your mind was made up. You cupped his jaw softly, thumbing over his sallow skin, and pressed your lips against his. They were warm, inviting, even though the coldness of the rain was beating down on your back and making your robes stick to your shirt more tightly than ever. His hands were burning into your flesh, as if holding onto you for the last time in his life, as his lips repeatedly chased yours whenever you tried to pull away. He never wanted it to end. 

But all too soon, you stopped, and smiled painfully at him. Severus knew he had lost when you began to step back, further and further away before you turned, never to look back at him again. Halfway through, you reversed the spell on Harry, and as he got up and filled Severus' vision once again, the man realised that you were gone, disappearing back into Hogwarts while he had to face the reality of it all by himself again.


	19. The Breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning violence

30th June 1997

 _The Room of Requirement._ Only those words rang in your head as you sprinted back up the castle, past the battles and fights again, ignoring the green and red jets that flew past you, the screams and shouts and cries for help from all around you. It was as if the world fell away, everything fading into background noise, as your mind only focused on one thing and your feet only carried you to one direction.

Blood. That was the first thing that greeted you as you finally rounded the corner, and saw the scene that made your heart stop. There stood Bellatrix, and while your clothes were soaked in rainwater, hers were soaked in blood. She was holding your mother by the throat, the woman slumped over, and you knew, the instant that you made eye contact with her, that she had been _expecting you._

"Bella..." You said, watching as her hands dipped underneath, and slowly, they ran over your mother's figure, her throat slashed and blood pouring out by the buckets from it.

"Ravenclaw," she smiled, letting the limp figure drop to the floor. "Your ear is bleeding."

You surged forward, and through the mess and the blood, you pressed your hand firmly on your mother's neck, while her glazed eyes searched yours. Pulling her into your lap, you fought off your tears as her hands grasped haltingly for you, streaking you with her blood. "Mother, stay with me, alright? Stay with me, I—I—"

"It's okay, my little girl, it's okay," She muttered, and you pressed down harder into the slash wound, shaking your head. You refused to accept that you were too late. "One of us...had to die anyway."

"But it will not be you!" You screamed, holding onto her hand harder. She was gasping for air, her hands growing cold. You realised, at some point, that the moment you spared to run with Severus, the moment you spared to try to escape it all, was the exact fatal moment that you failed to save her. _Just as we made up, just as I had gotten to know the real her, just as I got her back._ It was becoming apparent, at that point, that whoever you loved, would inevitably die in one way or another in front of your very eyes. You were your own Killing Curse. 

"It's okay," the woman managed to utter one last time, her cold hand moving to clutch your wrist as her body spasmed. 

"It's not okay! None of this is okay!" You cried, pressing with all your might, but even before her eyes ebbed away of life, before her hands pried themselves off of you, before the blood drenching your robes weighed you down, you knew. She was already gone. You were too late, and Bellatrix had let her die bleeding out, in the most painful way imaginable. _Bellatrix._

"How—" You stood then, brandishing your wand, fury in your veins. But before you could say anything more, the woman suddenly stepped aside, still grinning wickedly at you, and your heart faltered when right behind her, stood Hailey Abbott. The girl refused to look at you, gripping onto Bellatrix's robes with all that she had, as she stared in fear at the pool of blood and the dead body in front of her. 

"Hailey," you breathed, but in response, the girl only got closer to Bellatrix, hiding her face behind her leg then. "You took Hailey."

"You took my heart and shattered it into a million pieces."

"Hailey, come here, sweetheart. Come to mama." You knelt down, eager to get her far, far away from Bellatrix, of all people. The girl only shook her head, refusing to go to you. "Hailey, it's me. I told you I would always be here, didn't I? Come here, my girl."

Still, it proved futile.

Gasping for breath, you suddenly realised how terrifying you must have looked. Completely drenched in blood, your own face marred and bleeding, you must have looked like a _monster_ in Hailey Abbott's eyes, while Bellatrix was the saint. She was the saint who killed your mother, who separated you from Severus, who took _her_ away from you. In all the years that you had been alive, you had never felt more disdain for another witch as you had then. 

But you stood rooted to the spot. You could not understand, yet you understood totally what it all meant, what she had wanted, what she had learnt of you. You realised, that in your plan to get to know everything about her, you failed to expect the fact that she was going to get to know everything about you too. She took two steps forward, and suddenly, she was looming over you. Bellatrix was shorter than you were, but in that moment, you swore that she towered over you as you gazed up at her, her eyes filled with rage, while yours with despair. 

Her arm came around you, as if in an embrace, moving swiftly. You were still in shock, not finding the right muscles that would allow you to move, as Bellatrix warmly welcomed you with open arms. 

"You weren't supposed to be here."

"Hailey and I couldn't leave without you."

Her face so close to yours, you actually noticed that behind all the rage, all the fury, was a layer of sadness that you had not picked up earlier. Bellatrix was truly heartbroken by what you did, something in which you had not expected at all. _She knew, from the start, that I was never hers._ So to see her staring at you with those eyes that pleaded for you to retract your words, to say that it was not true, that you had not been using her, you almost felt _sorry_ for her. And when her lips inched closer to yours, brushing against them just for a brief moment, you could not find it in you to push her away. It almost felt deserving, to be in that manner with the woman before you, and for a split-second, you wondered what it would have been like if things had gone differently. Her hands were on your face, before moving to your ear, as if to brace for something.

And all at once, once that moment was over, once Bellatrix came back to her senses and pulled back, was when you noticed it. Her hands had slowly moved between the both of you, and with a sharp tug, blood sprayed between the both of you, splashing your faces. 

Hailey's screams drowned out your own cry of pain, as you looked down and saw that she had transfigured the tip of her wand to a dagger and plunged it deep into you, until not even the hilt was visible. She dragged it further across the span of your abdomen, and you gasped and fell forward, your hands clinging onto her shoulder as she caught you. She smiled, pulling out the dagger, and forced you to turn towards her.

Her hands held the back of your head, making you rest on her shoulder. "Time did reverse. The teacup I shattered came back together. A place was made for Hailey in your world, in our world. A place was made for all of us, together."

Your whole body weight was on hers, shaking and fighting hard to remain conscious, but she refused to let go of you. She looked at you, caressing your face then, and continued, "I thought love was weakness, but apparently you were the exception. I wanted to surprise you, show you that I had a heart, that I was capable of loving someone else other than _him._ And you...you wanted to surprise me." 

"B-Bella..."

"You have no right to call me Bella now. I let you in. I let you know me, see me. I gave you a rare gift, and you didn't want it."

"...Didn't I?" At your words, the woman paused. She faltered for a moment, before deciding to throw you against the wall then, you sputtering blood and barely sitting up against it. It felt like your insides were fighting to get out of your body, as your hands tried in futility to cover the wound, to stop the blood from gushing out. Spots were dancing in front of your eyes, as it became harder and harder to keep them open, to not let your hands drop to your sides. You wondered if Severus was safe then, if he had escaped Harry and Hogwarts and everything else, and you wondered if he would forgive you for leaving him, for promising that you would catch up, and for dying.

"Even moments from death, you are thinking of Severus," Bellatrix snapped. "Pathetic." 

She then stepped back, taking a moment to look at the masterpiece she created, before giving out another giggle. It sent jolts of terror though your heart, and as she extended her arm and beckoned for _Hailey Abbott_ to join her, adrenaline filled you as you shook your head. "No, no. Bella...don't."

"DON'T CALL ME BELLA!" She screamed, pulling the girl forcefully this time. She cried out, and as her teary eyes met yours, you felt everything within you crumble. 

Hailey was clutching onto her favourite bear then, the one you bought for her from Diagon Alley, dressed in the robes you picked up for her as well. It was one horrible, cruel joke that Bellatrix had been planning all along. She struggled against the woman's hold, begging to go over to you. You could only stare back at her, still shaking your head, still bleeding out. 

"Mama! I want Mama!" She screamed. "Mama is hurt!"

"Mama is just fine, dear," Bellatrix knelt down behind her, softly gathering her hair to a short ponytail. It was sickening, her bloody hands on her pure, clean neck, and the thought of what she was about to do made your head spin. "Mama is just tired, you see. Do you want to join her, accompany her, Hailey?"

"Bellatrix, please. _I'm begging you,"_ You sat up straighter, and your body complained by spraying out even more blood. "You can torture me all you want, take all that I have, let me die a slow, painful death, I don't care. But please, please don't kill her."

The dagger was at the girl's throat. "Bellatrix, please. I will do anything!"

It pressed slightly onto the skin, and the girl was screaming by then. Only, the battle was still as fierce as ever down below, and no one was going to hear her. "Please, please spare her! Not her!"

And then in a single, sleek motion, Bellatrix cut her throat. Hailey was no longer screaming, her face a mixture of shock and horror, as she crumpled to the ground in front of you. She clutched at her throat, not knowing what was happening to her, only that her _mama Bella_ had caused her a tremendous amount of pain, and that her other mother was doing nothing to help her. But by then, you were already fading out slowly, not even having the energy to shut your eyes as you watched the whole scene. The girl, barely three, did not even know that she was dying. She did not even know that you were watching her bleed out (albeit faster than you were) right in front of you, while Bellatrix cackled in the background, dancing over her body as her eyes gleaned towards you. She did not even know that you were losing her, the closest thing you loved as much as you loved Severus, and that you were dying with her too. 

"Strange," The woman said. "Even with her lips swollen and her skin grey, I don’t think she’s in pain, Ravenclaw."

"You could have killed only me. It didn’t—didn’t have to come to her too."

"You dressed her up in yellow. She told me her favourite colour had always been red. Look at her now, Ravenclaw," She pointed towards the bloodstained dress the girl was in. "Finally in her favourite colour. Finally beautiful."

Bellatrix knelt down in front of you then, still grinning. You could not find it in you to move, as she suddenly took your wand from your robes, transfigured it into a smaller, sharper knife, and dangled it in front of you. She pulled back your robes, and exposing the locket that you were wearing again, Severus' locket, she sliced it off in one quick swipe, and threw it to the far side of the room. Then, she sat on your lap, as she brought the knife closer and closer to your skin, and right where the locket once rested, she began to carve her name onto you. 

You cried out, your body instinctively thrashing against her, but her grip was firm, as she held you down and traced a _B,_ then an _E,_ and an _L._ The pain was excruciating, as you screamed against her ear and she laughed louder in response, to drown you out. She was claiming you. 

"This will heal in time, Ravenclaw. I know it will, because I don't want to be the owner of your heart forever," She pouted, patting at the blood. "But in the meantime, this will show you, show everyone, of who did this to you, who you belong to. A masterpiece that I have created, a teacup that I have shattered and put back together. So beautiful." 

"You...monster."

She pretended not to hear you. She was at the _R_ then, constantly slapping you across the face to keep you conscious. But eventually, she gave you a sorry look, and said, "You can make it all go away, you know? Put your head back, close your eyes, and wade into the quiet of the stream. Hailey will be waiting for you there." 

Finally, the woman carved the _X,_ and clapped her hands excitedly at her finished work. She moved to shake you awake one last time, to look at her own masterpiece, but your eyes had closed and refused to open. She laughed, moving to pinch your cheeks as she stood up, her own robes a mixture of all three of the people she hurt's bloods. Shrugging, she gave you one final glance, before pressing a kiss to your forehead and turning to leave, disappearing into the darkness of the night forever.


	20. Now

30th June 1997

It was Remus who found you first. Under Minerva's orders to gather up those who fought to get to the hospital wing, and with Harry pointing out that you had returned to the castle when you left Severus, she had mobilised those well enough to look out for the remaining Order members. Ultimately, it was Remus who found you first, but it was Tonks, who was behind him, who managed to gather the strength to get to you. 

Remus had practically felt his soul leave him when he saw the scene in front of the Room of Requirement. Two lifeless bodies that he never knew of, soaked in a blood volume that could fill almost a swimming pool, it was enough to make anyone nauseous. But when his eyes moved and laid over your own figure, propped up and seemingly lifeless against the wall, it was when he lost it. The man nearly crumpled to the floor, as he backed up and approached the wall for support. He was supposed to be calm, to be collected and trained for situations like these, but _damn it_ this was supposed to be a mission to keep a few Death Eaters out of the school, not a mission where he was losing one of the few friends he had left. 

"Remus, what are you—" Even Tonks was cut off when she saw. But unlike Remus, the scene only made her feet carry herself towards you, and dropped down to where you were. Her eyes tried hard to ignore the carvings on your skin, the name that claimed the crimes, and pressed her fingers to your neck. She could not contain the relief she felt. 

"There's a pulse. A very faint one, but you need to come here and help me get her to the hospital wing immediately, Remus!" 

Remus did nothing of the sort. He was shellshocked, staring at you. With his mind willing him to move, to help Tonks, to help you, his body refused regardless. Tonks yelled at him a few more times, already putting your arm around her shoulder and trying to lift you up, but the wound seemed to tear open wider each time she did. She was out of options, and she needed him to assist her.

"Remus, if you don't help me, the faint pulse we have will soon—" Tonks tried one final time, but with tears in her eyes and her fists balled, she was suddenly cut off by the song she had earlier, in the ward. It was once against the song of the phoenix, but it was no longer mournful; upsetting. And it was getting nearer and nearer. 

Tonks heard Fawkes before she saw him, as he flew in through the glass window, effortlessly breaking through, and landing beside her. She only stared at him; wondering why, with the knowledge that Dumbledore was dead and that he need not stay anymore, that he came back. _Was it a final duty to him? Something he owed?_ But then again, she thought, Dumbledore did not only owe you, he owed almost everyone in the Order for their undying loyalty. 

But there was no time. Fawkes was there, you were on the brink of death, and she need not say much more as the phoenix approached, and with a single tear drop on the wound across your abdomen, it hissed and bubbled, before she saw a little bit of the blood on your hands and body reabsorbed. Just a little bit. Remus, seeing what was happening, finally seemed to catch a grip on himself as he stumbled to the woman, and knelt down beside her. 

The two of them watched as Fawkes turned away from a moment, to gather more tears, and at that moment, your eyes opened again. Remus immediately surged forward to be by your side, but you ignored him, and at the sight of the orange bird, mumbled something incoherent. It got the phoenix to turn to you again, though, letting out a soft squawk. 

"Fawkes..." It was still difficult to muster the strength to speak. "Fawkes, stop." 

it was barely above a whisper, but Remus and Tonks had heard it, and exchanged worried glances. Remus moved to speak, but you continued, "Fawkes, let me...let me—"

Fawkes squawked angrily this time, flapping his wings at you. Apparently, he shared the same sentiment as the two, and refused to let you die. When you feebly tried pushing him away the next time he moved to release another tear, and with Remus and Tonks holding you steady, was when you knew that you were not standing a chance at convincing them to let you die in peace that night. It was maddening, but you had no choice. 

What you had control over, when the strength slowly regained in your muscles, was lifting your hand up to the woman in front of you, and as she leaned forward, whispering, _"Ring."_

"W-What?" Tonks did not hear it too well. 

"Ring, Tonks. Take...it...off." 

"It tells Severus of when she's in mortal peril," Remus informed her, his expression grim. "With how he betrayed—"

"I just...don't want him to...worry." 

The two exchanged looks again, but said nothing of it, as Tonks held your hand and slowly removed the wedding band, while Remus waited at your side, ready to lift you up into his arms the moment Fawkes was done. 

1st July 1997

What was perhaps the most reluctant reason anyone had to talk to you, other than the fact that Fawkes refused to leave your side, despite Madam Pomfrey's protests and yours, was that no one wanted to break the news to you that it had been your husband that killed Dumbledore. Each time someone tried, they stepped back, rethinking their words. Each time someone finally plucked up the courage to be the one to bite the bullet and do it, one look from you was all it took for the to back off again.

Eventually, it took the entire group. When everyone had changed into fresh clothing and had their injuries attended to, they all slowly gathered around you, who were staring at Bill Weasley from your bed, the evidence of what Fenrir Greyback had almost done to you sticking out on him instead. 

"Professor," Harry started, prompting you to look at him. You finally did, and as he began his explanation, you felt Minerva hold your hand, as if it would make hearing what the boy had to say less daunting and hurtful. 

And when he finished, was when it finally settled in, and when you shook your head at him. "He didn't kill Dumbledore."

"He did," Harry defended. "I saw him do it!"

"Then your eyes must have been playing tricks on you. Severus—Professor Snape—is loyal, and—stop lying! Haven't I told you many times, Harry, that I hated liars?!"

"I'm not lying!" Harry balled his fists this time, and Arthur Weasley could be seen placing a hand on his shoulder. "If anyone's lying here, it would be you! You—You—"

"Harry," Remus and Arthur drawled at the same time, but you knew what he meant. 

Your voice dropped low; frightening. "Are you saying, that I knew what he was about to do, Harry? That I knew he was going to kill Dumbledore, and did nothing to stop it?"

"Well, you are his wife, and—"

"And you thought I was in on the plan? If I had, Harry, did you think I would not have hesitated following him when he tried to get me to escape with him? Did you think I would not have listened to you and went back into the castle? Did you think," You swallowed, pulling down your robes just a bit to clearly show off the carvings Bellatrix had left. Everyone took a sharp breath. "That Bellatrix would have tried to kill me? If I had known and been on their side all along?"

Harry was at a loss for words, staring at the scarred area below your collarbones, the name gnarly and bringing hate to his heart.

You found Slughorn in the crowd then, and beckoned him over. "Professor Slughorn here is a more accomplished Legilimens than anyone I know of. If you would do the honours, if you want to give me a vial of Veritaserum, I wouldn't mind. But you don't get to—"

"Snape passed Dumbledore the information that killed my mum and dad! You think you knew him, but you didn't! You married a horrible, horrible man, Professor, and Dumbledore's body is out there right now, waiting to be buried, with a spell that _your husband_ cast on him, even when he begged him not to! And you let him escape, because of your blind loyalty to him, when more than anyone else, he's been playing you like a fiddle all along! You were the one that he had tricked from the start. He never loved you, he only wanted to blind you!" Harry cried out, and Fawkes hissed at him. He glared at the phoenix, but said nothing more. 

_Cruc—_ You almost uttered the Curse, but Slughorn suddenly came closer, and giving you a sorry look, said, "Then I think it's best we let the truth come out, from Professor Snape herself. You must forgive me, (y/n), but I have prepared a vial of...Veritaserum beforehand too, you see. It's just that—"

"I know," you said, snatching the vial the man presented, and already downing it before he could say anything else.

3rd July 1997

You stood at the back of the ceremony, past the hundreds of chairs and the leftover crowd that stood behind them. There must have been about hundreds more witches and wizards waiting to pay their respects for Dumbledore, and you thought that he would have found it quite disrespectful to stand by the biggest tree in the area, well hidden away from the students and the other members of the Order during his funeral. He must have thought the girl he was left to raise since she came to Hogwarts did not respect him no more, to regard of his funeral as such. 

But even though Fawkes was on your shoulder, the guilt and shame that you felt from the burning stares of everyone else weighed heavier than he did on your other. Once or twice, a look would be cast towards you, followed by a few murmurs wondering why the hell had Dumbledore left his most trusted pet and companion, to a witch like _you,_ and you only met those gazes back with a shrug and a look away. You did not know either. All that you knew, was that the bird had refused to go anywhere without you. 

There was an empty seat left for you between Minerva and Flitwick, you could see, but even as the funeral commenced, even as all the staff and friends and students of Dumbledore stood up to give their speeches and took their turns to sob in front of the crowd, you stayed. You never bothered to come forth, even with Minerva looking back once in a while to find you, because how could you face her, and all the others, after what you have done? Everyone had clearly seen and got to know of that you were never in Severus' plan and you did not know of it through the Veritaserum, but it did not change the fact that you had been the closest person he had, the person he had told the most secrets to aside from Dumbledore himself, and yet you still did not figure out what he had been set out to do all along. In a way, you were an accessory to his murder. 

The warmth of the sun was a morbid reminder of just how perfect the weather was, contrasted to the events that were happening and the funeral that had just wrapped up, you thought, as you began the slow walk up to the castle later on. Fawkes had flown away momentarily, though you could see him circling the castle and never lifting his gaze from you. You wondered then if he could feel it too; the strange string that had been connecting you and him, now gone, severed. And yet he still remained all the same. 

A soft set of steps fell in stride beside you, and you did not need the flowery scent of lavender to know that it was Minerva. She said nothing, though, and continued to follow you up to the castle. You knew she was dying to say, to ask, but at the same time, you were in no mood to entertain. You would have thought the show where you spilled everything to Slughorn and the rest was enough for her, and set out a little further away, taking a detour to the Forbidden Forest. She followed. 

"I have nothing else to offer you, Minerva," you said, stopping by the edge of the forest and leaning against a tree to look at her. Your arms crossed, you noticed that her black hat was slightly askew, but chose to say nothing of it. "You know as much as the rest do."

Her lips parted, before she took a seat in the shade underneath the tree. Beckoning you to do the same, you shook your head and chose to stand. The woman sighed and began. "For what it's worth, I never thought Severus' love for you was an attempt to blind you. I never doubted that."

"He would have worked very hard to blind me, to throw me off the scent." 

"But I know Severus," Minerva said, before correcting herself. "Well, _knew_ Severus, and his love for you was as genuine as I have ever seen it. Even when you told the truth and what you knew of him, he never sounded like he was trying to fool you; only to protect you and hold tight to the only thing he had left."

You sank lower. "He asked me to leave with him, you know. To trust him above all, and to take his word before taking anyone else's. I never got to take his word; he's gone, somewhere I will never know, somewhere I don't think I will meet him at ever again. It's a horrible thought, but I think I should have left with him." 

"Then you would never get to clear your name," Minerva reminded. "Everyone here would think that you knew, and you betrayed us as much as he did." 

"Would it hurt you if I said I wouldn't care?" You asked, and the woman shifted in her place for a while. "I loved Severus so much, I wouldn't have cared, Minerva. It's stupid, I know, but I truly believe he had his reasons." 

The pair of you stayed silent for a long while after that, basking in the warmth of the summer heat once more, hearing the insects begin to chirp and buzz. A grasshopper landed on your shoe, and you quickly shook it off and took a seat beside Minerva eventually. She was dying to ask you of the one thing on her mind, you knew. And when she watched as you fiddled with the bandages that had been set to allow you to not only cover Bellatrix's name on your skin, but for it to heal faster, you decided to start it off. 

"Dumbledore had warned me that playing with Bellatrix was like playing with fire. And I was so close, I nearly had it," You said. "Clearly, I had underestimated her."

"The child, and the woman. She killed them?"

"It was a very painful breakup," you smiled dryly. "I played with her feelings, she played with their lives. The woman was my mother, and the child...the child I had grown to love. She took all that she could from me."

The woman held your hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't...didn't realise you lost people too." 

You sighed. "They never got a proper funeral like he did. In a way, I never did like my mother, and she hid a lot of things and made a lot of mistakes, but I see myself in her, and that scares and upsets me at the same time. I was not ready to lose her so soon, and the girl, she was becoming someone I had expected her to be. She was filling a role in my life, just as Dumbledore had predicted. But both of them died because of my mistakes, my miscalculations."

"And what became of her?"

"Bellatrix?" The woman nodded, and you gave a light scoff. "I wouldn't know. She's free, she's with Severus now, probably, boasting to him all about me. And if that was not enough, she left me a reminder of my mistakes; as if killing the people around me mercilessly had not been a life sentence in itself."

Minerva nodded, her hand holding yours tighter. Fawkes was flying nearer and nearer, keen to land on your shoulder soon enough, and you mentally prepared yourself for the impact while the woman spoke, "But you'll stay with us, yes? With the Order, at least?"

"Not for a while, not for now," you said, as the familiar talons found themselves on you. "I need time to be away for a while, to process all this. It's not everyday your husband leaves you, your mother and adopted daughter dies, and your mentor, your only hope in winning the war, dies too, you know?"

Minerva pushed you lightly. "But you'll come back, won't you? The Burrow can be your home, Hogwarts can be your home. You're welcome to stay with me too, if you want—"

"I think I'll go to my mother's place for a while, to see what is there left. Then I'll break the amazing news my father, who's in Azkaban, that the love of his life has died because of his own daughter, before I leave the country for a bit. I think—I think I need to get in touch with foreign witches and wizards as well, to get them on our side too, you know?"

"But now? What about now, or tomorrow, even? When the Hogwarts Express arrives and the school year ends?"

You let out a small smile, the tears that you had shed drying on your face. Minerva watched you stand then, tall and steady with Fawkes on your shoulder, before you carefully pulled out your wedding band that Tonks had taken off of you. She watched as you pulled out a string this time, and tying it around the ring, Minerva's mixed feelings of sympathy and sorrow for you became clear as you put it around your neck, and tied it tightly. The wedding band was no longer on your finger, but as a necklace now. 

"Now, I need to see where my loyalties truly lie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it all ends - 31st march 2021


End file.
